Saturday, June 28, 2014

Superhero Retires

LARGO, FL (AIP) - Randy Hall, a Stan Lee created superhero, has announced that he's hanging up his signature Joseph A. Banks tux and checkerboard Vans. He'll no longer be "the Guy" that shows up in the nick of time to pay the bar tabs of really hot girls way too young for him when they forget their wallets.

"It was a nice run," said Hall, contacted in the Baypointe Assisted Living Facility. "But frankly I've put out a lot of green for very little carpet."

Hall, whose "just in time to pay the tab" exploits amused a generation of cartoon loving kids made his career on being at the right bar at the right time with the right money to save the day and nail a piece of ass.

"The public will miss him," said Joules Davis, curator of the New York City Museum of Cultural Arts. "Frankly it's a sad day for superheros."

Hall, teared and clearly distraught, said he's going in another direction in the future. "I believe I'll go to mission work. Shit, I ment missionary work. Don't cost as much. Better ROI."

Friday, June 27, 2014

Clinton New Book An Eye Opener

NEW YORK (AIP) – In her new ‘tell all’ book Hard Choices about the lean years the Clinton family faced after leaving the White House "flat broke" former First Lady and Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton recounts how she had to “suck a few cocks” in order to make ends meet.

“I was out there on East Fiftieth Street near the Waldorf-Astoria looking for johns,” writes Clinton. “I’d do eight, nine guys a day which would bring home $160 to $180. It was tough work. The other girls didn’t have to overcome the kankle problem I had, but I discounted my rate and did okay.

“At first Bill was indignant but I explained to him that I wasn’t having sex with those men, just blowing them. And besides, it kept him in Big Macs and malt liquor. He never stopped complaining that I smelled like other men’s balls however. I did a lot of breath mints in those days.”

The book further relates the troubles young Chelsea Clinton faced.

“Bill and I were both thrilled that Chelsea is going to give birth to our first grandson,” writes Hillary. “We were a little afraid that the several abortions she went through after we left the White House might make a normal pregnancy impossible. “

Clinton’s book tour has not been producing the crowds and buzz she had hoped for. Early supporters thought that the tour might dovetail nicely into a 2016 run for the presidency.

“Nobody’s really showing up,” said Clinton. “So I sit at a Barnes and Nobles in Salt Lake City for a few hours drinking coffee. Later, of course, I’m out making a buck. When it's money I'll do about anything - oral, anal whatever. They only thing I won't do is talk about Benghazi.”


Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Georgia-Pacific Scores Legal Victory

ATLANTA (AIP) – Georgia-Pacific Consumer Productions Corporation, parent company of Brawny Paper Towels, scored a major product protection victory in the United States District Court when that court granted injunctive relief to the company in its suit against Rome, GA, resident Milley Crawford, who the company claims has been misusing it’s product.

“Thankfully the Court realized that our products need to be protected,” said Georgia-Pacific lead counsel Christopher Winegalze.

In late August or 2013, Rome, Ga., resident Michael Clayton, Crawford’s boyfriend at the time, contacted the company and complained about Crawford’s misuse of Brawny Paper Towels.

“She’d leave me notes on the counter all the time,” said Clayton. “She’d write them on sheets of Brawny. You know, ‘I love you’ or ‘Hope your day went well’. At first I found it endearing and cute, but then it got out of control.

“I’d come home from work and there would be a 30-sheet note from her on the kitchen counter and another empty brown cardboard tube in the paper towel holder. She’d use a Sharpe to write occasionally, which would bleed through the paper towel and stain the counter.”

By July of 2013, Clayton had finally had enough.

“We’d had a fight the night before and when I got home there was what amounted to a manifesto piled up next to the sink,” said Clayton. “Bitch went through a complete double roll. That’s when I made the call.”

After being alerted about the misuse of its product, Winegalze immediately file for relief in the US District Court.

“Back in 2001 we had to do pretty much the same thing to stop 12-year old Billy McCallister from fashioning our paper towels into spitballs,” said Winegalze. “I mean, it says right on the label that it’s to be used for washing, wiping and drying only.”

Crawford declined comment for this story.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

USPTO Decision Strips Trademark

ALEXANDRIA,VA (AIP) – In another stunning decision issued fast on the heels of the revocation of the Washington profession football team’s ‘Redskins’ trademark, the United State Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) has stripped the Crayola Crayon Company of its trademark on the names of the colors ‘Red’ and ‘Black’.

“The names ‘black’ and ‘red’ are inherently disparagingly and racist,” said USPTO spokesman Deborah Hollister. “As such, under the Lanham Act, the federal trademark protection of those names must be removed. A company simply cannot trademark a racist name.

“Any time a group of four or five citizens is offended by something we feel it is our duty under federal law to act quickly and decisively.”

Officials at Crayola corporate headquarters in Easton, PA, were swift to react.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding,” said company vice president Debbie Johnson-Marie. “Those are simply the names of the colors. There’s no implied racism. Where do these rulings come from? We certainly plan to appeal this misguided decision.”

Johnson-Marie assured reporters that the company would continue to manufacture and market the controversial colors.

“Our customers will still get red and black in the box,” said Johnson-Marie. “And our other colors are absolutely unaffected by this decision.”

Crayola still holds trademarks on a number of its signature colors including Banyan Bay Beige, Cayenne Pepper, Kike, Cracker, Wop, Slope, Wetback, Rag head, Limey and Greasy Bohunk.

“I guess that the easily offended humorless sector of the market needs to purchase another firms crayons,” said Johnson-Marie.

In further action announced today the USPTO also stripped trademark protection from ‘Yellow Rice’, asphalt producer ‘Blacktop’, the nation of Nigeria, the ‘Red’ River’, and the French words ‘Noir’ and ‘blanc'.

Nigerian officials said they do not plan to appeal the decision.


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

American Airlines Announces New Fee

NEW YORK (AIP) – American Airlines, the nation’s largest commercial passenger carrier, citing increased fuel costs and a drop in travel announced today that it would begin charging a fee of $125 for each customer who boards a domestic or international flight with excess emotional baggage.

“It’s only fair,” said American spokesman Thomas Lafferety. “Folks who travel with us and are uncomfortable with their sordid lives, horrible pasts and hopeless futures should pay their fair share. Well adjusted passengers have historically been footing a disproportionate cost for air travel.”

Lafferety said that American Airlines has partnered with the Church of Scientology to install E-meters at its boarding gate to gage the weight of emotional baggage that each passenger is carrying. Too heavy and the $125 fee kicks in.

“The whole process is very quick,” said Lafferety. “It shouldn’t add any wait time to the present security preflight check of our customers.”

Long time business flier Katie Cummings, a Sterling Chase Investments vice president, is unhappy with the new fee.

“I’ve had three ruined marriages,” said Cummings, visibly upset with the announced added charge. “I’ve had to sleep my way to the top of my profession, which means that I drink quite a bit just to be able to live inside my own skin. Perhaps if my father had cared a little more and paid more attention to me I wouldn’t have to pay out the ass just to fly to San Francisco.”

Ronco Corporation salesman Marty Marlin, who flies several times a month for business and has a stable and fulfilling life, disagrees.

“I feel good about myself and my life,” said Marlin. “I think it’s only fair that those people whose lives are defined by past failures and future fears should pay their fair share.”

“We want all of our customers to be happy,” said Lafferety. “Unfortunately for us, many of them never will be. Those fliers are going to have to pay extra for bringing the rest of our customers down.”


Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Researchers Announce Important Finding

PALO ALTO, CA (AIP) – Researchers at the Veterans Administration Palo Alto Mental Health Training Facility today released the results of a 5-year long study that has found that each year in the United State over 16,000 men and women die as a result of a psychological inability to have a bowel movement while in a work environment.

“We were amazed,” said lead researcher Cunningham Bogart. “We studied death certificates of over 12 million people over a five year period and found that a sizeable number of those who died early died from an inability to crap. We’re not talking about having a bowel obstruction or even extreme constipation. These folks just can’t take a dump while at work.”

Bogart’s team interview over 12,000 sufferers over the 5-year study and found three main causes individuals inability to “do their business” while at work.

“The vast majority were afraid that co-workers would hear them grunting or pushing and the resulting ‘farting’ that accompanies such efforts,” said Bogart. “Secondly sufferers were afraid that co-workers would be offended by the rancid smell released from the gastric tract. And finally they were afraid of the sound of fecal matter splashing into the water in the toilet bowl.”

Charlie Johnson, an office manager at Sears in Reno, NV. , agreed.

“I can’t let my people hear me take a dump,” said Johnson. “I’ve literally held it so long that I’ve shit myself on the drive home after work, which is preferable to being overheard making those sounds in the stall.

“I really envy Bill in house wares. I’ve heard him dropping the kids off at the pool from the number 2 stall. I’ve actually heard him grunting like a pig and then laughing. He comes out of the bathroom with a big smile on his face, the lucky bastard.”

Bogart is urging the Federal government to begin a national program to assure people that it’s alright to do Number 2 at work.

“The ‘It’s Ok To Crap’ campaign could really help a lot of folks suffering from this horrible condition,” said Bogart. “Sally Struthers has already agreed to make public service commercials and we’ve got Justin Bieber writing a song in support.”


Monday, June 16, 2014

World Famous Cat Found Dead

Starke, FL (AIP) – Corky the Cat who gained international fame as the “Comforter of the Dying” and was featured on CBS’s 60 Minutes and NBC’s Nightline for her ability to predict who would die next and then spend time with that unfortunate soul was found dead on the grounds of the Live Oak Assisted Living Facility late Tuesday night.

Corky, famous for prowling the halls of Live Oak with her collar bell tinkling and stealing into the rooms of soon to die residents had the remarkable ability to sense which resident would pass away next and cuddle up in bed with the terminal patient, was found beheaded and nailed to a tree just outside the facility’s entrance.

“Fucking cat was 28 and 0 prediction-wise,” said longtime resident Waylon McMichael, at 98 the oldest resident at Live Oak. “Hearing that bell sauntering down the hallway gave me the willies in the middle of the night. Slow Johnny would actually piss himself every time he caught sight of her. I don’t know who killed her, but I’m forever grateful.”

Starke Police Chief Kyle Sage said that his office has devoted extensive manpower and resources to find the killer or killers.

“We’ve interviewed all of the Live Oak residents and oddly no one seems to have seen or heard anything out of the ordinary,” said Sage. “Old folks traditionally don’t sleep well so we believe someone heard or saw something. The forensic evidence seems to indicate that Corky was alive and conscious when the head was severed so that would like mean one perpetrator likely held the body while another did the sawing.”

“Who gives a shit,” said Martha Gumball, and 87-year old retired Unitarian Minister who’s been a resident of Live Oak for six years. “We’re all just relieved that the horrible bitch is gone.”

Oddly, since Corky’s demise the Live Oak Assisted Living Facility, which historically has lost an average of 12 residents a month, has reported no deaths.


Thursday, June 12, 2014

Terrorist Group Strikes Again

ADAMAWA, NIGERIA (AIP) – The fundamentalist Islamic group Boko Haram on Tuesday kidnapped the last free woman in Nigeria according to government officials, taking her at gun point from a nail salon in the capitol city of Abuja in a sleek Mercedes Benz roadster with the song “Your Love is Driving Me Crazy” by Sammy Hagar blaring from the car's sound system and clearly audible to horrified onlookers, who were unable to get a license plate number.

“We are outraged,” said President Jonathan Goodluck. “Those people now hold every woman in the country, almost 81.2 million women and girls. We are doing everything we can to find them.”

Nigerian army spokesman Col. Anderson Dumbluck said that military forces are sweeping the area between Nigeria and Chad in a desperate search for the women, thus far without any luck. The United States and France have augmented local forces with drones and baguettes.

“We are following every lead,” said Dumbluck. “This Boko Haram group is damn clever.”

Meanwhile, Boko Haram fighters have issued a plea to the United Nations for relief, citing the need for immediate aid to avert what it called a “potential humanitarian crisis.”

“We need food, clothing and medicines,” said Boko Haram spokesman Blaine Potluck in a message to the United Nations General Assembly in New York Wednesday morning. “And most of all we need about 180 or so Keurig coffee makers. These women can put away a lot of java.

“And if you’re making a list we’ve had some requests for hair conditioner, fuzzy socks, Cosmopolitan magazines and hand lotion.”

United States First Lady Michelle Obama tweeted “Let our girls go to the tanning salon” Tuesday night in hopes of putting an end to the ordeal.

“She damn near got to us with that tweet,” said Potluck, speaking to reporters from an undisclosed location via cell phone. “I mean, we were this close to letting the women go.”


Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Obama Signs Gun Control Act

WASHINGTON, DC (AIP) – President Barack Obama today signed into law a sweeping federal statute restricting the private ownership of guns, hailing the new legislation as “a step in the right direction to prevent the kind of horrible shootings and massacres that have occurred in our Nation”.

“The Pelosi-Reid law is exactly what this Country needs,” said Mr. Obama.

The new statute, sponsored in the House of Representatives by Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and in the Senate by Harry Reid (D-NV), prohibits ownership of any kind of firearms by large groups of citizens including anyone who has filed a federal tax return, adults with no previous arrest record, white males in Southern or Western states and anyone “generally known to be law abiding by the standards of the community they live or work in”.

“Since the House of Representatives passed my bill and was subsequently allowed to read it and learn its contents most members are highly pleased,” said Pelosi. “This law will go a long way toward protecting innocent Americans.”

Pelosi said that the law contains some carve outs which common sense would dictate.

“Members of recognized street gangs would still be allowed to own guns, as well as the mentally ill, disgruntled postal workers and, of course, terrorists,” said Pelosi. “Body guards for celebrities and members of Congress, the very wealthy and South American drug cartels, as well as street thugs, those with sexual criminal records, drug dealers in the greater Chicago area and suicidal rock stars also are not affected by this change in the law.”

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, in a rare public comment about a law that has yet to be challenged in court, sounded positive about the legislation.

“I hope no one is foolish enough to actually attempt to challenge the constitutionality of this law in front of my court,” said Roberts. “It’s the rock solid law of the land.”


NOW Scores Major Victory

CHICAGO, IL (AIP) – Bowing to pressure from the National Organization for Women (NOW) and various other women’s rights groups the American Medical Association (AMA) has agreed to change the names of several diseases, conditions and aliments.

“It’s about time,” said NOW spokeswoman Gloria San Miguel. “Finally women will begin to see the same progress in the medical world that we’ve been experiencing in the workplace. We aren’t there yet, but we’re getting closer.”

Beginning immediately the AMA will refer to “Herpes Simplex” as “Himpes Simplex”, “hernia” as “himnia” and the condition of “hermaphroditism” as “himmaphroditism”. The group confirmed that it would continue to use the name “Hemorrhoid” and is still debating changing “feces” to “heces”.

“This is a major victory for woman,” said San Miguel, who likened the AMA’s new policy to the National Weather Service’s decision last spring to begin calling Atlantic cyclones “himicanes” in lieu of “hurricanes”.

“I am amazed to the point of befuddlement,” said retired former AMA president Dr. Charles Boyer. “I fought these changes for years as just plain silly. It’s pointless.”

“Boyer is just another soldier in the war on women,” said San Miguel. “Clearly he’s an uninformed sexist. We won’t stand for his kind of institutionally embedded degradation.”

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Obama Announces Prisoner Exchange

WASHINGTON, DC (AIP) – In a surprise press conference from the White House Rose Garden President Barack Obama today announced that he had traded 4 Taliban fighters formerly housed at Guantanamo Bay Naval Base for the baseball rookie cards of Albert Pujols, Alex Rodriguez, Jason Varitek and Mike Piazza.

“We did what we had to do to get these cards out of the hands of the enemy,” said Mr. Obama. “We don’t produce baseball cards to leave in foreign lands. I felt it was my duty to bring these cards back home.”

Former detainees Abdul Rahman Wesam, Emam Abdulahat, Abdulkhaliq Al Baidhani, Tariq Al Harbi were secretly removed from Guantanamo and flown directly to Afghanistan last Wednesday where they were dropped off at a Subway Sandwich Shop in the capitol city of Kabul.

At the same time, operatives from the Navy’s Seal Team Six made an air drop on Big Ali’s Cards and Memorabilia Emporium, also located in Kabul, and were given the four trading cards by a man known only as “Mike”. The cards were immediately flown to the Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany.

“They appear to be in excellent shape,” said Mr. Obama. “Crisp edges, very little wear.”

Republicans were predictably irate over the lack of congressional notification prior to the exchange.

“I can’t believe the President again violated the law by not informing Congress,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH). “Sure, the Pujols card is desirable but it isn’t like the President scored a Honus Wagner. Besides that, those guys that were traded have each sworn to kill Americans when finally freed.”

Approximately 142 detainees remain housed in Guantanamo and the President vowed to be ready to trade them all to round out the Federal card collection.

“Whatever it takes,” said Mr. Obama.


Monday, June 9, 2014

Jury Acquits Three In McCabe Murder

CLEARWATER, FL (AIP) – A jury of eight women and four men, after deliberating for less than 10 minutes on Tuesday, returned a verdict of not guilty in the murder trial of three codefendants accused of killing Molly McCabe, the woman widely known as perhaps the most egregious violator of the universal principle of never telling friends that ‘I told you so’.

“This is yet another incidence of jury nullification,” said Assistant State Attorney Kristen Copper, who prosecuted the case and argued to the jury that the three codefendants beat the McCabe to death over a period of several hours. “DNA evidence put those three defendants at the scene and they took turns punching and kicking her until she died. The jury’s verdict is outrageous.”

Defense attorney Brian Mingor, who represented all three defendants, argued that his clients were completely justified in their actions. It was an argument that the jurors agreed with.

“Sure, my people beat her to death, but who wouldn’t?” said Mingor. “Let’s face it, she was a royal pain in the ass, always telling people ‘I told you so’ just when things had gone wrong for my clients. The jury understood that.”

McCabe was famous for her perchance for seeing the folly in her friends lack of good judgment and the foreseeing the predictable results of that folly and was wholly unable to refrain from reminding them that she ‘told them so’.

“The jury clearly understood that McCabe absolutely deserved to die,” said Mingor.

Defendant Megan Monroe continually dated married men and couldn’t understand why her relationships never worked out. Defendant Charlie Sapphire was known to frequent prostitutes and contracting sexually transmitted diseases despite being a married father of four. Defendant Deborah Cummings was forever buying ‘miracle products’ seen on television infomercials and then bemoaning the fact that they didn’t perform as advertised.

Mingor argued that victim McCabe ‘just wouldn’t let it alone’.

“There was always the ‘I told you so’ moment with her,” Mingor argued in closing statements to the jury. “Miss McCabe was a bitch with the ‘I to you so’. Who wouldn’t have killed her?”


Friday, June 6, 2014

Local Boy Arrested For Domestic Violence

TARMAC, FL (AIP) – Members of the Tarmac Sheriff’s SWAT team stormed Ponce De Leon Middle School Friday and arrested Timothy Dalton Jr., a 7th grader, without incident for domestic violence against his mother Carol Dalton according to Sheriff Milton Royce.

“This is one of the most tragic cases of child on parent violence we’ve seen in a long time,” said Royce. “It is shocking and disgusting.”

According to police reports Dalton Jr. and his mother were engaged in a verbal argument about the defendant’s over use of the family Xbox. At some point Dalton Jr. left the family home, went to the sidewalk in front of the residence and “did then and there maliciously and with full knowledge of the consequences select a crack and step on it, thereby breaking his mother’s back”.

Surgeon Dr. Martin Kelly confirmed that Carol Dalton’s spine was broken.

“It’s the classic step on the crack break,” said Kelly. “Repairing the break is going to require several surgeries.”

“I can’t believe my son would do something like this,” said the defendant’s father Timothy Dalton Sr. “I’ve taught him since he was very young what stepping on a crack would do to his poor mother. I hope they lock the little bastard up for a long time.”

Warner Upset In Senate Race

RICHMOND, VA (AIP) – In a stunning election night upset here Tuesday, incumbent Senator Mark Warner (D-VA) suffered an overwhelming defeat at the hands of surprise write-in candidate Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation.

“What can I say, I’m stunned,” said Warner, speaking to supporters at his reelection headquarters in Richmond. “Who could have seen this coming? I’m speechless.”

Putin, who mounted no campaign and whose name was never even mentioned as a possible candidate up to and including election day garnered 87 percent of the vote with 96 percent of precincts reporting. It is the most lopsided senatorial election since Reconstruction.

“It’s about time we sent someone to Washington who will get something done,” said Richmond resident Marcus Dickinson, a plumber. “I mean the guy does what he says he’ll do. He’s a kick ass and take names kinda guy and that’s what we need to break the gridlock that has frozen Congress.”

University of Virginia Political Science Profession Dr. Charles Hatfield wasn’t surprised at all. Hatfield points out that in the 2006 senate elections Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell barely fought off a reelection challenge by write in candidate Kim Jong-il, President the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea.

“The voters are tired of having sunshine and roses blown up their ass,” said Hatfield. “They wanted a Senator who will actually do something, anything.”

“I just had to vote for him,” said Milley Camposte, a Norfolk, VA, housewife. “I saw that picture of him squatting shirtless in the snow over the body of the leopard he had killed with his bare hands and thought that he would make a really great Senator. Warner hasn’t got a six pack like that.”

A pleased Putin, speaking to supporters via Skype from his dacha outside Moscow, promised quick action after he is sworn in this January.

“We will immediately send troops to our border with West Virginia,” said a shirtless Putin, standing over the body of the cougar he had killed with his bare hands. “We will stop the violence being perpetrated against Native Virginians in that region and if necessary retake that renegade Provence known as West Virginia which has historically been a part of the Commonwealth of Virginia.”


Thursday, June 5, 2014

Army Hero Passes Away

Arlington, VA (AIP)- GI Joe, whose storied military career spanned from the early 1960's to the late 1990's was buried today with full military honors in a Nike shoe box at the Arlington National Cemetery.

"GI Joe was 12 inches of plastic molded hero,” said Army Chief of staff General Quinton Frazer. "We have lost something pretty special. I mean, he had his issues. We all do. He often said that he loved the Army because he enjoyed being around other men.”

Joe, who began military career in 1964 as a private first class was unable to advance to higher rank during his 30 year hitch with the Army. Disillusioned by his failure to receive promotion he eventually left the Army and hired himself out as a private security professional. He worked as a bodyguard for Muammar Gaddafi in Libya for a brief time in the 1990’s and then became chief of security for Vladimir Putin in 2009.

He was rumored to be romantically linked with Barbie and later, after her tragic death from an overdose at Los Angeles’s notorious Viper Room, with Malibu Barbie. Those rumors were dispelled in 1996 when Joe was interviewed on the CBS show “60 Minutes” and came out as a strong supporter of President Bill Clinton’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. At the end of that interview he famously hinted with a wink of his eye for Morley Safer not to ask the next question because he wouldn’t tell.

After his retirement from security work Joe, who always claimed to love children, spent much of his time as a camp counselor, a junior high school music teacher, a YMCA youth coach, a preschool teacher and working as a clown at children’s birthday parties. He often took neighborhood boys out into the wilderness for extended camping trips.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

War Flares Up Again

THE MILLERS BACK YARD (AIP) - The long smoldering and bitter feud between Black Ant Fundamentalists and the Nation of Red ants exploded into a shooting war today, with hordes of Black Ants streaming across the border and attacking Red Ant strongholds on the Miller's raised flowerbeds and threatening to overrun the Red Ant capitol city of Anthill.

"We will push the hated red ants off our land and reclaim what is rightfully ours,” said Black Ant Supreme Commander Beta 12435. "We will drink the haemolymph of the Reds out of chalices"

Black Ant United Nations Ambassador Beta 258946 today in New York claimed that home owner Miller’s youngest son Steven Miller has been air dropping the Reds Ants pop tart crumbs and Frito chips, enabling Red army divisions to supply fresh meals to their hard pressed troops. Beta 258946 further charged that Miller had supplied the Reds with Magnifying Glass technology, strictly forbidden by International treaty, for use in the field.

"This illegal outside help is prolonging this war," said Beta 258946.

Red Ant president Alpha 890543, who as army chief of staff during the 1968 multinational Black Ant invasion of the Red Ant Kingdom gained fame by reclaiming the key highpoints near the Miller’s jungle gym equipment, was quick to respond to those charges.

"While my nation with neither confirm nor deny it possesses of Magnifying Glass technology, rest assured that we will utilize every weapon at our disposal to defend to the death our hills and holes," said Alpha 890543, speaking to reporters at Red Ant army headquarters.

Mandible to mandible fighting was reported to have raged outside the holy city of Anthill since dawn today.

"Our ants at fortified positions on the seven sprinkler heads are holding out," said Alpha 890543.

Meanwhile homeowner Michael Miller, contacted by cell phone said that he had no knowledge of any such fighting in his back yard.

"I don't know anything about it," said Miller. "But if you telling me I have bugs in my backyard, then I guess I better call Orkin."


Researchers Make Unexpected Discovery

ATLANTA (AIP) – Officials at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) announced Friday that they have located what they believe to be is the last non-medicated adult in the United States.

Ronald Johnson, a 47-year old assistant manager at a Jacksonville, FL, Wal-Mart has astonishingly lived his entire life without the benefits of the pharmaceutical industry.

“I had no idea I was the only one,” said Johnson, who has been taken to an undisclosed location for observation and spoke to reporter by phone. “I’ve just been kind of living my life. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m sad or angry, but I figured that was just how life is.”

Blood tests and metadata mining run on Johnson prove conclusively that he’s never taken lithium, xanax, clozapine, risperidone, carbamazepine, cholinesterase inhibitors, memantine, ativan, cilas,benzodiazepines or any of the host of medications that fill the medicine cabinets of all Americans.

“Naw,” said Johnson. “I’ve never taken any of those things.”

“I don’t know how this guy isn’t an absolute train wreck,” said CDC senior research fellow Dr. Maurice Patel. “He doesn’t drink or smoke or do street drugs or otherwise self-medicate. Statistics say that he should have blown his brains out years ago.”

Johnson, by his own account, has lived a normal life without medical help.
“I got married, had a couple great kids, got divorced,” said Johnson. “I’ve lost a job or two. My parents were both killed in a rollercoaster accident several years back. I’ve lived a normal life. I feel fine.”

Asked if he expected to need pharmaceutical help in the future, Johnson shrugged off the idea.

“I see those Cialis commercials and laugh,” said Johnson. “I still achieve wood. No problem.”

Officials plan to hold Johnson and study his habits and behaviors a while longer.


Sunday, June 1, 2014

G7 Follows Jung-Un Lead


BRUSSELS (AIP)- G7 Member Nations today announced that they would follow North Korean leader Kim Jung-un's lead and require all male college students in their respective member nations to get horribly bad haircuts to mimick the heredity leader of the "hermit kingdom".

"It's our feeling that young men of a certain age are way too cocky and hubris filled", said British government spokesman Clive Duncan-Martin. "Requiring them to get a dickhead haircut will go a long way toward keeping those bastards in check; take a little wind out of their sails so to speak".

London barber Colon Fist is thrilled by the new regulations.

"It's a bloody awful look," said Fist. "Nobody would choose it voluntarily. But I'll be happy to shave those poor boys heads."

British Capmakers Union spokesman Dalton Clive was equally pleased.

"We expect to make a fortune," said Clive. "Next year's fashion watchword will be 'cover it'".

British Home Secretary Martin Redux-Martin wasn't so pleased.

"Our office expects the national birth rate to drop dramatically," said Redux-Martin. "No girl is going to allow a young man with that kind of hair style to ejaculate inside her, or anywhere near her for that matter."