Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Town Residents Engraged Over Police Shooting Of Juvenile

WEST PALM BEACH, FL (AIP) – Residents of this town exploded into protest again Friday in a show of anger over the Police Shooting of Freddie Milton, a white 17-year old, by black police officer Mike Brennan Wednesday night following an armed home invasion robbery that Milton is suspected of committing.

“This community is outraged,” said retired city bookkeeper Max Spellman. “We demand justice for what’s his name.”

Over 60 protesters gather for a second straight day at Alice Mickens Park on 3rd street. They mostly walked around the park singly or in groups of two or three, muttering under their breaths and giving nearby police officers ‘the look’.

“You can almost taste the white rage,” said West Palm Beach Police Chief John Trumbo. “These folks are ready to explode.”

Reporters witnessed one of the protesters stand on a park bench and yell the word ‘justice’. Police rushed in and immobilized her, then bundled her off in a waiting squad car.

“They can protest all they want, that’s their right,” said Chief Trumbo. “But we won’t stand for crime.”

Protest leaders have organized a nationwide boycott of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

“The killer cop’s name is Mike,” said boycott leader Carole Lombard. “Duh?”

A spokesman for Mike’s Hard Lemonade said that the company had not noticed the boycott.

Other residents have protested the shooting by not watering their lawns regularly. A small but loud group of angry residents have checked out books on botany from the West Palm Beach Public Library and are refusing to return them.

“We are given to understand that the victim like to smoke pot,” said book non-returner Kelly VanFleet. “This is our way of remembering him.”

Karl Milton, father of the dead boy, has called for calm.

“He was a little shit who burglarized damn near every home on this street,” said Milton. “He was a thug who deserved what he got.”

Protesters have vowed to return to Mickens Park on Saturday after most of them finish their rounds of golf.

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Friday, November 21, 2014

Blogger Fortunately Finally Dies Dumbly

LARGO, FL (AIP) Randy Hall, founder and author of this blog, died unexpectedly on Thursday and in his final failure died in a way that he vowed to avoid; namely in a way that people would laugh about.

Hall was killed when an ice cream truck, driven by 19-year old Muslim jihadist Ali Muhammad, careened through his bedroom wall and trapped Hall on the underside of his mattress where he languished for hours, eventually drowning in a rising tide of melted sherbet according to autopsy reports, while that awful ice cream truck “hello” song looped over and over.

“Perhaps the funniest death I’ve ever heard about,” said childhood friend Mitch Michael. “I mean he was a great guy and all, but the incredibly stupid way he died really diminishes any mediocre accomplishment he might have had. What a dumb fuck.”

Bystanders who heard the crash and rushed to the scene were unable to rescue Hall because of the inability to stop laughing. Two would-be rescuers were taken to the hospital to be treated for ruptured diaphragms caused by extended laughter. No one thought to call authorities until hours after Hall finally succumbed.

“I checked ‘dumbass’ on the certificate as the cause of death,” said Pinellas County Medical Examiner Winnie VanDonaldson. “He must have been a real dumbass to die in this fashion.”

Hall’s family has asked that nothing at all be sent in lieu of flowers and that absolutely no one mourn his passing.

“Thank God he’s finally embarrassed his family for the last time,” said family spokesman Charlie Jewel.

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Thursday, November 20, 2014

Local Starbucks Employee Complains Of Double Standard

TOPEKA, KS (AIP) – Mandy Ricardo, speaking to reporters at a press conference held in the parking lot of the Starbucks near Gage Park where she works as a Barista, once again complained of the double standard between her and boyfriend Charlie McCracken.

“He loves it when I blow him,” said Ricardo. “In fact, he requests that I do it at the weirdest times, like when we’re at my parents place and they’re both out of the room or when we’re driving on the interstate. But he never, ever goes down on me.”

McCracken contacted at his the Rueger Softball Complex where he was practicing with his team, had a quick response.

“It’s all about security,” said McCracken. “Most women close their eyes during any kind of sexual contact. Men don’t. That way we can keep an eye out for robbers and such. But if I’m going down on her who’s gonna keep a lookout?”

Mitch Marconi, Vice President for Home Security at Blackthorn Security Solutions, the nation’s largest personal protection company, agrees.

“FBI statistics show that 96 percent of successful home invasion robberies occur when the male in the household is performing cunnalingus on the female,” said Marconi. “Conversely, of those attempted home invasion robberies that occur when the male is receiving oral sex from the female, 99 percent are successfully defended against. It simply makes sense from a security perspective for the male to refrain from performing oral sex.

"From a home security standpoint, the only time a man should be going down is when he's going down on another man. That way someone is always on the lookout for potential trouble."

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Thursday, November 13, 2014

Earthwatch Announces Study Findings

ZURICH (AIP) – Scientists with Earthwatch International announced today that a recently completed multi-decade study shows an abrupt and alarming increase in the volume of manmade stupid in the atmosphere and is a definite threat to the future of the planet.

“If this continues at the historically unprecedented rate we have measured over the last 10 years we expect manmade stupid to cover over three fourths of the planet by the year 2017,” said Dr Reinhardt Christoff, chief research fellow with Earthwatch, a Zurich based foundation. “Human stupid is a real and growing threat to the planet.”

Manmade stupid includes the banal – locking one’s keys in the car along with the baby on a hot summer day- to the extreme evidenced by a nation of 300 million people voting for a president who rammed through the Affordable Care Act and has a two term vice president like Joe Biden.

“That’s a concrete example of what we’ve been finding and what is so alarming,” said Christoff. “I mean Joe Fucking Biden? He’s like the king of stupid.”

Naysayers, like Senator Max Goldberg (R- Montana), doubt the threat is as extreme as some would say.

“Folks have always been stupid,” said Goldberg. “Richard Nixon got a landslide second term and that was over 40 years ago, long before this alleged crisis began. This isn’t settled science. People have a long history of stupid.”

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Thursday, November 6, 2014

Researchers Prove Up Old Saying

JOHNSON CITY, TN (AIP) – Researchers at the East Tennessee State University College of Wise Sayings, have announced the results of their three year, 15 million dollar government funded study that has found that sticks and stones do, in fact, break bones but names don’t seem to have much physical effect.

“We’re pleased by the results,” said Dr. Harry Hilliard, Dean of the College of Wise Sayings. “Going in we weren’t sure what to expect but in pretty short order we found that sticks and stones, if properly handled, can affect some pretty serious damage on both bones and certainly soft tissue.”

Using a group of paid test subjects, mostly college students, researchers under Dr. Hilliard subjected one group to extended name calling and bad mouthing.

“Not one of those subjects suffered any physical damage,” said Hilliard. “Some of them cried and a few kind of got pissed off, but no blood and no breaks.

“We found that men are probably most affected when called a ‘cocksucker’, which surprised us. Women, of course, hate to be called ‘cunt’ but we pretty much expected that.”

A second group was pelted with stones and beaten with sticks.

“We got some pretty spectacular results with both sticks and stones,” said Hilliard. “Compound fractures, broken orbital bones, depressed fractures of skulls. We pretty much found that the wise saying was, in fact, dead on. We’re happy to apply the scientific method and prove it up.”

Monday, November 3, 2014

Republican War On Women Heats Up

BETHESDA, MD (AIP) – The Republican war on women went from a cold one to a hot one Sunday as a White Republican Male battalion, in a sharp but brief fire fight with a group of women at the Chevy Chase Shopping Pavilion, killed 26 and gravely injuring another 42 before heavy artillery drove off the attackers.

“We caused them a lot of damage today,” said Lieutenant Colonel Michael Van Patten, commander of the battalion. “We hit them hard and we’re going to continue hitting them until they’ve been destroyed as a fighting force.

"It's a war and war means people die."

Democratic Party chairman Representative Debbi Wasserman Schultz was not surprised by the attack.

“We’ve been expecting it for a long,” said Wasserman, speaking by phone from an undisclosed bunker location. “We have representatives speaking with military officials in France and a few other countries seeking military aid. We’re going to come back from this.”

Postings on Pinterest by a number of women caught in the fighting painted a grim picture.

“They out maneuvered us and we were caught in a double envelopment,” said one anonymous post. “It was a bigger massacre than the battle of Cannae.”

Van Patten told reports that his troops would continue to operate in the area until the threat had been completely removed.

“Then we’re headed to San Francisco. It’s a cesspool out there and we’re gonna clean it up,” said Van Patten. “We have intelligence that indicates that the Pelosi Division is operating out there. We plan to destroy it.”

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