Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Public Defender Murdered In Orlando

ORLANDO (AIP) – Assistant Public Defender Karl Martin-Lucke was killed by the jury listening to his closing arguments in a petit theft trial at the Orange County Courthouse on Thursday, in what bystanders called one of the most heinous crimes in recent memory.

“It was chilling,” said Martha Pennington, mother of Thad Pennington who was the defendant in the petit theft in which Martin-Lucke was representing him. “The jurors beat him to death with their hands. It must have gone on for 10 minutes.”

The trial in which Pennington was accused of ordering a sandwich at Publix and eating it without paying as he wandered the aisles was entering its fourth hour of defense closing argument when the jurors attacked.

“We were fed up with him constantly going over the same three points over and over for hours,” said Juror number 4, who agreed to be interviewed immediately after the murder as he ordered a milkshake and fries in the Courthouse cafeteria. “We were all beyond being highly offended by his seeming contempt for our lack of common sense and his implied belief that we didn’t hear him the first time, or the second time, or the third time.

“Juror 3 moved first, literally vaulting out of the box and tackling the attorney. But we were all on him in no time. It took time to kill him and that was probably the most satisfying thing.”

Courtroom surveillance video show bailiffs in the courtroom at the time of the attack stepped outside while the jurors savagely beat Martin-Lucke.

“Our officers only respond to crimes,” said Sheriff’s Office spokesman Miller Benton. “There was no crime being committed there.”

Attorneys in the Public Defender’s Office mostly agreed that Martin-Lucke will not be missed.

“The son of a bitch would never shut up,” said Assistant Public Defender Carolyn McManus. “We’re all glad he’s dead.”


U Of I Researchers Announce Unexpected Findings

WRISTBEND, IN (AIP) – Researchers at the University of Indiana-Wristbend today announced the unexpected findings of a five year government-funded study that they say will be a “game-changer” in the science of masturbation.

“Our findings are going to change the way people jerk off worldwide,” said Dr. Mike Tomlinson, lead researcher. “Incredibly, we’ve found that men and women who fantasize about other people when they masturbate have a faster, more satisfying orgasm.”

The study, largest of its kind ever, included 6,800 volunteer subjects.

“Running a batch used to take 45 minutes, maybe an hour,” said volunteer Dalton Gray, a junior at the University and third chair clarinet in the school’s marching band. “I’d just sit there and think about myself, my life and keep rubbing. I’d often finish with blisters on my unit, if I could finish at all.

“But in this study I learned that if I thought of someone else, like Shelia Johnson in my applied chemistry class giving me a blow job, I could pop a load within minutes. It was eye opener.”

And, according to Tomlinson, females who participated in the study were found to have similar results.

“The difference is amazing,” said Mandy Nelson, a dental hygienist. “I’m a little overweight and what you might call ‘homely’ so my masturbation life hasn’t been that fulfilling. But when I learned that I could imagine Russell Crowe orally manipulating my clit things changed dramatically.”

Tomlinson said his staff will next study the effects of viewing photographs and movies depicting sex acts between adults on a group of volunteer masturbators.

“Traditional wisdom tells us that dirty pictures and movies have no beneficial effects on masturbation, but we’re going to challenge that assumption,” said Tomlinson. “The walls may be coming down.”


Thursday, July 24, 2014

Former Teacher Sues School Board Over Firing

AIKEN, SC (AIP) – Local resident Marty St. Croix has filed suit in the United States District Court for the District of South Carolina seeking to force the Aiken County School Board to reinstate him and pay back wages for what he claims is his illegally firing because of his sexual orientation.

“I can’t believe it has come to this,” said St. Croix, a 37-year old science teacher who spent 13 years teaching at South Aiken High School until school board members learned about his lifestyle from his Facebook posts. “I never hid the fact that I was a male lesbian. Everybody knew that I dug chicks.

“When I was young the other guys at school made fun of me because I liked the ladies. They’d call me names and I got beaten up on a fairly regular basis. I don’t like being a male lesbian but I was born this way.”

Lewis Carpenter, attorney for the Aiken County School Board, said he wouldn’t normally comment on pending legal action but would make an exception in this case.

“St. Croix is one sick fuck,” said Carpenter contacted Sunday on his way to church. “He has sex with women. I don’t mean little, under aged girls, I mean adult women. He’s a male lesbian and it makes my skin and the skins of our community crawl just thinking about it.”

Legal scholar Marion Richardson, professor of law at the University of South Carolina, thinks St. Croix’s chances to prevail are strong.

“The courts have long held that sexual preference is not a lawful reason to terminate an employee,” said Richardson. “It’s unfortunate because people like St. Croix disgust me. I personally think he should be destroyed like a dangerous bacillus.”

St. Croix thinks that he lifestyle is just misunderstood.

“I just like having sex with women,” said St. Croix. “It’s nothing kinky or dirty: missionary, doggie, reverse cowboy. Just sex. I just enjoy a nice pair of yabos and a wet vagina. A lot of folks might think that it’s sick for a guy to feel this way but it’s how I am.”

Oral argument in the suit is set to begin in the District Court on Monday.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

President Says Illegal Immigrants Not Welcome

JUAREZ, MEXICO (AIP) - Facing over 50,000 illegal immigrants at the border seeking asylum, the President took to the airwaves today in an attempt- some say much belated - to try and halt the flow and put an end to the crisis that has developed in recent months.

“We must make it clear to these folks that they simply can’t walk across the border and enjoy all the benefits of being in this country” said Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto in a speech aired by both Univision and Telemundo. “These people from the North must learn that there are legal ways to enter our country and those who attempt to evade those ways are not wanted here.”

The North or United States side of the Rio Grande, that small ribbon of water that separates the two countries, is littered with the SUV’s, luxury cars, motorcycles and RV’s that the illegal immigrants have abandoned to wade the river and enter into Mexico.

The journey to the border was fraught with peril for many.

“I came here for a new start, a chance,” said microbiologist Marcus Brown, whose odyssey began in Westchester, New York. He abandoned his 2013 Corvette on a dusty side street in El Paso, TX to wade across the Rio Grande. “I had to endure poor restaurant food, marginal hotels and surly gas station attendants. It was hell.
“But I want to live free and have opportunities that the United States doesn’t offer.”

Juarez Mayor Jose Reyes Ferriz said that his country’s main concern is jobs.

“These undocumented gringos take the traditionally low paying jobs here, jobs that our youth would normally fill,” said Ferriz. “Doctors, lawyers, astrophysicists, upper level management; those menial jobs that our kids used to do in the summer.”

President Nieto said he was prepared to get tough to staunch the flow.

“We in this country have a reputation for being mean drunks and needlessly cruel,” said Nieto. “It’s a well-earned reputation. You come to this country in your Tommy Bahamas and Sperry Topsiders and you’ll find that out.”


Monday, July 21, 2014

Near Tragedy Changes Lives

TACOMA, WA (AIP) – Childhood friends Dwight Moore and Kyle McQuade have seen been through some tough times together, but what happened to them Friday has changed both men’s live forever.

“We stopped at the Twisted Soul for happy hour, like we’ve done for years,” said Moore. “We were sitting at the bar in our usual places. That’s when the nightmare started.”

McQuade said that both men had just ordered their second beers from bartender AnnMarie.

“I saw the woman first, standing at the juke box with her back toward us,” said McQuade. “She had on an incredibly short dress, fantastic ass and long tan legs and high heels. She was bent slightly at the waist toward the juke box. I nudged Dwight and he saw her immediately.”

“I said something like ‘wow’”, said Moore. “She finished picking songs, Maroon 5 I believe, and then she turned around.”

“It was fucking hideous,” said McQuade. “I have never seen such an ugly face on another living being.”

“Easily the most heinous creature I’ve ever witnessed,” said Moore, a two-tour Iraqi Marine Corps veteran, who broke down in tears several times during this interview. “She walked by us going back to her table and smiled at me. I was torn between the desire to cower under my barstool, or conversely to bludgeon her to death.”

“I guess it’s true,” said McQuade, an assistant medical examiner with the Pierce County Coroner’s office. “You really can’t judge a book by its ass. Her face was like something out of a Joseph Vargo gothic print about people in hell.”

Since the incident both men have stopped drinking.

“A few more that day and I might have walked over to the juke box and tried to strike up a conversation with her,” said Moore. “I thank God that I was sober when I first saw her backside.”


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Boehner Rips Obama

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Speaker of the United States House of Representatives John Boehner today blasted President Barak Obama for “yet another attempt to misdirect the American People about the causes of the myriad problems and policy failures that have occurred on his watch”.

“In this latest speech by the President he once again attempts to hang his current failures on President Bush,” said Boehner.

Boehner was referring to the speech that President Barak Obama gave on Wednesday at a fund raiser hosted by the AFL-CIO in Chicago where he claimed that Malia and Sasha Obama are not his children.

“Those two girls are the products of George W. Bush, pure and simple,” Obama told supporters. “He inseminated Michelle twice without her knowledge when I was away playing golf. Imagine how stunned I was not once but twice when she was suddenly pregnant with his babies.”

Bush family spokesman Martin Freely was quick to answer the charges.

“You know, President Obama has tried to pin every one of his failures – failures of leadership, of policy, of action – on a man who hasn’t held office for nearly six years,” said Freely. “But this one he got right. President Bush assures me that he is indeed the biological father of both Malia and Sasha and wants me to tell Michelle that he’s got two pair of her panties if she wants them back.”

Friday, July 11, 2014

Canadian Song Writer Terry Jacks Dies

VANCOUVER, BRITSH COLUMBIA (AIP) – In a spontaneous uprising unheard of in this normally peaceful city, citizens of Vancouver stormed the home of singer/song writer Terry Jacks, composer of the hit song Seasons in the Sun and tore him limb from limb using only their bare hands.

“It was stunning,” said Vancouver Mayor Jim Leavitt. “I’ve had reports from police that even young children were gouging at his eyeballs. There is some evidence that up to 2000 people were involved in this act of violence. ”

According to witnesses the crowd, which formed in the early morning hours, appeared to have had no real leader. Witnesses say that those involved seemed to be driven by the desire to destroy the writer of what may be the most depressing and maudlin song in the English language.

“I fucking hated that fucking song,” said one unnamed participant in the brutal killing. “We all did. We broke down his door and grabbed him out of his easy chair and literally ripped him apart. Some women were actually drinking his blood. I only wish we could kill him again.”

Seasons in the Sun, inspired by a French song and reworked by Jacks to commemorate a friend of his who was dying of leukemia was released in 1973 and went on to sell more than 10 million copies worldwide. The lyrics were written by poet Rod McKuen.

“Police officers were called when it became apparent that the crowd wouldn’t be content with just verbally castigating Jacks,” said Vancouver Police Chief Jacques Bell. “When we realized what they planned to do to the poor bastard we turned our phones and radios off and headed to the donut shop on the other side of town. Some of my men arrived at the scene roughly six hours later. There was nothing we could have done.”

Jacks limbless torso was hung from a light post in central Vancouver but witnesses say the head, with the tongue ripped out, was burned and the ashes scattered.

“I had almost been able to forget that damn song,” said one 53-year old participant in the killing. “But then that faggot boy band Westlife covered the song in 1999 and that brought it all back. Westlife better watch their asses.”

The Vancouver Medical examiner has record the cause of death as “accidental” and police chief Bell said he expects to make no arrests in the case.


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Samsung Sued In Federal Court

SEATTLE (AIP) – Lawyers for plaintiff Carl Kaiser today made oral arguments in the Western District of Washington Federal Court claiming that cell phone manufacturer Samsung was negligent by including an ‘off’ button in the design of their Galaxy s5 phone, cause irreparable damage to Kaiser.

“Samsung knew or should have known that my client would always want to be just seven digits away from being called, texted, tweeted, Facebooked, Kik’ed or LinkedIn,” said lead attorney Mark Stories. “By engineering in the ability for a user to actually turn the phone off they’ve created a device with an ‘attractive nuisance’ that damaged Mr. Kaiser.”

According to court pleadings, Kaiser became distraught following the death of his father. In a time of depression he posted to Facebook that he was ‘turning off my phone for a while because I just want to be alone’. Alarmed friends contacted local police who eventually made a well being check on Kaiser and persuaded him to turn his phone back on.

“During the three hours that his phone off my client missed 158 attempted texts, tweets and Facebook posts,” said Stories. “Imagine the damage that has inflicted on him. When he finally saw the photo of the yummy lasagna that his friend Mitzi had served for dinner it was way too late to add a ‘like’”.

According to legal scholars, Court have generally held that most individuals are fairly stupid and therefore manufacturers have a legal duty to make sure the products they sell disallow users to make any choices which aren’t for their own good, even if at the time the choice seems best to the individual.

“That’s why that top step on the ladder has a ‘this is not a step’ sticker on it,” said Story. "Let's face it, what balanced person wouldn't want to be contactable 24/7?"

Lawyers for Samsung, citing ongoing litigation, declined comment.


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Obama Administration Finds Help for Immigrant Crisis

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In an effort to ease a growing humanitarian immigration crisis and in a reply to demands from officials for help from a number of Southwestern States, the Obama Administration today announced that it had accepted offers of help from the by the North American Man Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) to relocate a large number of newly arrived parentless children from Central and South American.

“Our organization is uniquely positioned to take care of these kids,” said NAMBLA spokesman Felix Bennson. “Our 11,000 nationwide members are prepared to go to Texas and California, pick up these poor young people at their own expense and provide them good homes.

“This crisis is over. In a few days it will be as if these young children never even existed.”

Obama Administration spokeswoman Judy Jerome said that the President was grateful for the organization’s offer of help.

“They called just in the nick of time,” said Jerome, speaking from the White House press room. “The President is happy to have them on board.”

NAMBLA member Steven St. Croix said he was packing his car and heading to the border.

“I plan to get a couple of the youths,” said St. Croix, smiling from ear to ear. “I’m gonna bring them back home to my place in Wheeling (WV) and we’re going to have a real good time.”

Bennson said that the blossoming crisis isn’t just about food, clothing a medical assistance for the children.

“Above all these kids need love,” said Bennson. “Our members are absolutely prepared to give them that.”


Sunday, July 6, 2014

Adam's Relationship Ends

CAIRO, IL (AIP)- Nelson Adams, a 21-year old employee at the Kalob Avenue WAWA convenience store has officially broken up with Tiffany Waller citing "irreconcilable differences".

"Every time I act in a way she doesn't expect or understand she thinks something is 'going on' with me", said Adams, soon to receive his GED. "Tiff doesn't understand chaos theory or randomness. She thinks I'm fucking around on her when all I'm really doing is watching Iron Man 2 with my homeboys.

"I mean if I get a little depressed or down contemplating the human condition or or upset about events in the Middle East and become a tad distant Tiff thinks I'm screwing Brittany. "

Brittany confirmed that she and Nick were not, in fact, fucking.

"Nada," said Brittany.

"If I read something stunning like T.S Elliott's 'I should have been a pair of ragged claws, crawling across the floors of silent seas' and it kinda blows my mind then I might seem slightly distant," said Adams. "The Middle East is exploding and the Russians are in the Ukraine and Tiff thinks she's the fucking center of the universe and I'm cheating on her. Its stunning."

Waller, contacted by reporters, has her own view of Nelson's occasional emotional withdrawal.

"He's liar," Waller said."He isn't that deep. He's cheating and I can feel it. He's banging that slut Brittany."

Adams disagrees.

"If occasionally Tiff would just watch Housewives-of-some-fucking-suburb or work the crossword puzzle and let me deal with the bigger questions in life we'd get along so much better," said Adams. "I love Tiff but her attempts to shackle my mind disturb and offend me.

"How the hell am I supposed to advance String Theory or finish the aria for the central character in the opera I'm working on with Tiff constantly thinking I'm just banging Brittany?"


Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Pope Declares War

THE VATICAN (AIP) – Pope Francis, speaking to a record crowd assembled in St. Peter’s Square, today declared a holy crusade against Muslims everywhere, vowing to “destroy every one of those fucking rag heads we can locate”.

“For too long we have been a religion of peace,” said Francis, wearing a special camouflage vestment with a .44 Glock in a shoulder holster. “I, for one, am about damn tired of the car bombs, the child kidnappings, the crucifixions, planes ramming buildings, whining Palestinians and the fact that one can’t get a good scotch and soda anywhere east of Greece.”

Papal Nuncio to the United Nations Cardinal Karl Josef Vecchio, in a speech to the United Nations Security Council just hours after the Pope’s Vatican announcement detailed the Holy See’s offensive plans for a Middle Eastern offensive.

“The Holy Father has decided to put some red Prada’s on the ground near Tikrit,” said Vecchio. “The Holy Catholic Church has plans to deploy 17 divisions, including 3 heavy amour divisions, to that region to finally put the arm on these ISIS shits.

“As the Pope has stated, we plan to put our collective Allie Ackbars up their asses.”

Thomas T. Manson, spokesman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, speaking from Salt Lake City, UT, vowed his support.

“The Catholic Church and us Latter-day Saints might disagree on dogma and ritual, but we’re both pretty sure God is a white guy who probably likes to see women in shorts and tight shirts,” said Manson. “We’ve committed 22 divisions of our boys in white shirts and ties, including 14 bicycle divisions, to this fight. We’re going to Richard the Lionheart those fucks.”

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Pearlman Passes, An Era Ends

NEW YORK (AIP) – Robert Pearlman, 87, the last man to use the word “groovy” in a cogent sentence passed away Thursday at his home on Long Island.

“He will be missed,” said Marty Kowalski, lead lexicographer for the Merriam-Webster Dictionay company. “With his passing our company will move the word ‘groovy’ into archaic status and remove it from all but our most compreshensive dictonary. We had only kept it in this long knowing that Pearlman was still alive and might inadvertantly use the word once more.”

Legend has it that sometime in the spring of 1979 Pearlman was asked how his day was going by the waiter at Max’s Deli on the east side where he stopped to get coffee on his way to work.

“I’m feeling groovy,” Pearlman famously responded.

Officials with the United Nations Office of Phraseology have certified that “Groovy” has not be used in spoken language on any of the seven continents since that day.

“Groovy” was a popular slang colloquialism for “feeling good” during the 1960, but has fallen into disuse and become discredited as a valid expression of happiness.


Adult Film Industry In Peril

CHATSWORTH, CA (AIP) – In a move that is sending shivers of terror down the spines of pornographic film production companies and actors, Martin Littleman of Valdosta, GA, has announced that he intends to cancel his subscriptions to the roughly 289 internet porn sites he has paid memberships to because he has “finally met a girl that doesn’t think sex is ‘icky’”.

“I met Candice and we hit it off really well,” said Littleman. “She’s a great girl. We have sex three or four times a week now and then actually talk afterward. Since I met her the hand towels in the bathroom are no longer stiff.”

Porn industry investor Marvin Banisoffsky said the Littleman move could be devastating to the adult film industry.

“This guy has been our bread and butter,” said Banisoffsky, speaking from his production facility in Chatsworth. “His exit from the scene could cause many companies to simply shut down because they can’t pay the bills. A lot of the talent is going to be looking for work outside the industry.”

Littleman said that string of adult actors have come to visit him since he decided to stop singlehandedly supporting the business.

“Candy Cummings, Betty Boobs, Little Oral Annie. They’ve all stopped by my apartment,” said Littleman. “It’s hard to tell them goodbye but since I’ve had actual, physical contact with a real live woman who enjoys me sexually and emotionally I really don’t need them anymore.”

Adult actor Little Oral Annie is afraid for the future.

“I can't believe he's leaving like this," said Annie. "He's been squeezing off knuckle children and watching me perform demeaning and souless acts with complete strangers for years. I thought I was important to Martin.

"I guess I could try straight acting, but my voice is squeaky and my ability to actually project emotion is about nil. I’ve got to find some kind of work. I’m still paying for these damn boobs.”

In a related move that is causing energy drink industry executives to lose sleep, Littleman is also rumored to be contemplating cutting back on his consumption of Red Bull and Rockstar.

“I’m tired of shaking all the time,” said Littleman.