Friday, December 22, 2017

Santa Announces A New Direction

NORTH POLE (AIP) – In what Wall Street insiders call a “realignment of corporate direction”, Senior Santa Claus spokesman Marvin Lewistein announced at the regular weekly press conference Thursday that going forward Mr. Claus would ignore Christmas requests from homeless kids.

“Mr. Claus has decided that the poor, homeless, destitute kids can pretty much fuck themselves come December 25th,” Lewistein told reporters. “The return on investment simply isn’t there. We’re taking our organization in a new direction.”

North Pole watchers said that the move has been in the works for months.

“Let’s face it, Santa is about dreaming with a gleam in your eye,” said longtime Santa Watcher Carol Blackmum. “He’s not about grim survival.

“Ask him for a Lexus and the odds are good you’ll get it. Ask him for underwear or pencils or food or you cancer medication and you’re shit out of luck.”

Shares of Kris Kringle Inc. rose 37 percent following the announcement.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Rock Group Blasted For Inappropriate Behavior

SALEM, MS (AIP) – Members of the 80’s rock group Journey have been accused of fomenting hostile and inappropriate actions toward women and #MeToo spokeswoman Tarana Burke has publicly called for the seizure of all Journey’s royalties, gold and platinum records and future earnings.

“Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’?”, Burke told reporters at a press conference Monday. “That song might as well have been written by Al Franken or Harvey Weinstein."

“They should have added ‘Rapin’ to the damn title,” said Burke. “Might as well make it Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’, Rapin’”.

Journey front man Steve Perry disagrees.

“That would be a shitty song title,” said Perry, who refused further comment.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Clinton Join List Of Harassed Women

HOLLYWOOD (AIP) – Former Secretary of State and Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton joined a growing list of celebrity women who claim that Hollywood Film mogul Harvey Weinstein sexually harassed or assaulted them.

“The former First Lady was at a fund raising event in Los Angeles when Weinstein grabbed but her breasts and buttocks and made crude oral sex jokes,” said Clinton spokesperson Uma Andretta. “The indecent both shocked and disturbed Mrs. Clinton and was a major reason behind her loss of the 2016 Presidential election.”

Others aren’t so sure.

“Bullshit,” said Weinstein attorney Marc Cairo in response to reporter’s questions. “I’m calling bullshit on that one.

“My client drinks and takes drugs and is obviously a voracious horn dog, but come on, really? Hillary? Have you seen her ankles? Nobody has ever been that messed up.”

Noted political analyst Melvin Bloom agrees.

“From the emails, tweets, Facebook posts, Instagram posts, text messages, discarded post it notes and unsubstantiated rumors that we’ve studied it appears that the only person who has ever successfully fucked Hillary Clinton against her will was Donald Trump and that happened at the Electoral College and not in Los Angeles,” said Bloom.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

UN Sanctions Hit North Korea Hard

FOSTER CITY, CA (AIP) – In a long awaited financial move dictated by new United Nations economic sanctions, financial services company Visa has cancelled North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s gold Visa card, a move that experts say will bring that country to its economic knees with a matter of days.

“We’ve got that little fucker now,” said Joint Chiefs of Staff vice chairman Major General Gabriel Conner. “No more big nights out for Kim and the boys. No more rewards points. It’s over for that country.

“I’m sure the look on Kim’s face will be priceless when his card is declined at Ikea.”

International banking expert Maurice Golden predicts that it may be only hours before the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is economically paralyzed.

“Intelligence estimates indicate that Kim has about $126.00 in the bank at this time,” said Golden. “He’s probably got no more than a couple of bucks in his pockets. The server isn’t going to accept ICBMs to pay for the dinner bill.”

Photos smuggled out of North Korea appear to show the entire populace going through sofa seat cushions and pockets of pants they haven’t worn in a few weeks looking for lost change.

In a related move China has sealed its border with North Korea in order to deal with the expected flood of refugees expected to be fleeing North Korea.

“That country is now broke and with the holidays coming the people of North Korea are going to become very unhappy very shortly”, said Chinese spokesman Chao Chin.

Wells Fargo Whistle-Blower Stuns Congress

WASHINGTON (AIP) – In stunning testimony before the Senate Committee on Banking, Wells Fargo Bank whistleblower Marie Colton told shocked Senators that senior Wells Fargo management made the decision in late 2010 to hire vampires to actually “suck the life’s blood out of our customers”.

“Management dictated the culture of opening fake accounts to make our market share seem larger than it was in order to increase our stock price,” Colton testified to the Committee. “And selling unnecessary auto insurance to increase revenue was a no-brainer.

“But in early 2010 senior management realized that these scams were really smalltime. It was stuff that Bank of America or SunTrust could do. Wells Fargo could and would do better.”

That’s when Wells Fargo corporate management decided to hire the undead.

“Senior management felt that our employees weren’t rat-fucking our customer base hard enough,” Colton told Senators. “But with a group of nosferatu on our team we could literally drain the blood from our clients.”

At the time Wells Fargo legal counsel saw two possible obstacles to employing vampires.

“First, there were all kinds of US employment laws that stood in the way”, said Colton. “We worked around that by locating our Incubus Division at a new complex we built in the Philippines.

“The second problem was one of access,” said Colton. “We couldn’t figure out how to have our customers actually invite our vampires into their homes. The problem perplexed us until Bennie from Legal realized that we could just insert an invitation paragraph into the new account application.

“After that it was like taking candy from a stupid baby.”

That’s when Colton became alarmed and decided to blow the whistle.

“Unfortunately some of those fake accounts we opened allowed our vampires into people’s homes who weren’t really customers, which is why I am testifying today.”

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Local Man's Charity Donation On Hold

HOLIDAY, FL (AIP) - Local used car salesman Ian Paul wants desperately to donate to charity - any charity- but he simply can't decide which blanket he would rather receive in thanks for his gift.

"I mean, they all have really cool blankets," said Paul. "But I need to find one that really speaks to me and, of course, keeps me warm".

After weeks of keeping himself glued to the television, Paul has narrowed it down to the Shriner's Hospital, Wounded Warriors, and that "freezing dog tied to the fence in the snow group", said Paul.

"They are all worthy," said Paul. "It's a fucking conundrum."

Paul bemoaned the lack of specificity in the otherwise heartbreaking pitches.

"Not one of these groups tells you if their blankets are virgin alpaca or merino," said Paul. "And I, for one, thinks that's damn important.

"If one of these worthy charities would offer a snuggly-like advocacy blanket I be in with all $5.00," Paul told reporters. "I am all for charitable giving. All those groups deserve my support."

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Hitler Inspired Walt Disney, Others

ORLANDO (AIP) - Recently released documents from the Disney archives prove that the "you must be this tall" signs had a notorious beginning.

"The Disney Corporation and its affiliates, denies any connection between the Third Reich and our rides," said Disney spokesman Karl Schultz.

Conspiracy theorists believe otherwise.

"Ya fucking kidding?" conspiracy theorist Andy Rawl told reporters. "The photos speak for themselves. Clearly Disney is just a Nazi front. Walt was antisemitic. It's common knowledge."

Six Flags, Busch Gardens and the Florida State Fair have all denied any Third Reich connections.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Rawl Comes Back

LACANTO, FL (AIP) – Saying that he doesn’t think he’s wounded anymore, carpet installer Andy Rawl told reporters that he’s ready to move along with his life.

“I usually wake up a quivering mass of self-doubt and regret,” Rawl told reporters, holding his first news conference in more than 8 months. “But today? Well today I feel alive and whole. I feel like the bleeding has finally stopped.”

Rawl, whose suddenly developing lack of confidence and angst stunned fans since February of 2017 seems to have regained his old form.

“I woke up today realizing that the nameless pain and sense of loss isn’t unique to me, that pretty much everyone has things in their lives that become festering wounds,” said Rawl. “I just decided to not let those things control my outlook on the future or the way I live my life day by day.”

Time Magazine’s chief personality reporter Melvin Blanc, who has been close friends with Rawl for nearly a decade, commented on Rawl’s psychological rebound.

“I ask him what he thought the future might bring,” said Blanc. “He looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t give a fuck. That’s when I knew he was healed. At that point I actually started to cry. He’s finally ok.”

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Mattel Announces A New Addition To The Lineup

EL SEGUNDO, CA (AIP) – The Mattel Corporation is proud to announce the latest addition to the wildly popular Barbie line – the brand new Klaus Barbie, complete with her racially pure companion Ken.

“This new Klaus Barbie doll is probably the hottest Barbie to join our product line in years,” said Mattel Spokesman Mary St. Christopher- Charles. “She’s been in research and development for about two years and should be on the shelves in time for the Christmas Season.”

Klaus Barbie comes complete with a fashionable mid-century French wardrobe, Nazi gold party badge and French train timetable so that “her cargo is never not on schedule,” said St. Christopher-Charles.

“We expect sales to go through the roof,” said St. Christopher-Charles.

Not all consumers are excited by the new Klaus Barbie.

“Just another example of a major corporation Aryan-shaming the young girls of this country who are not as racially thin or busty as the unrealistic image the Klaus Barbie portrays,” said feminist group FEMEN spokesman Connie Large. “This new Klaus Barbie just makes those girls feel bad about themselves.

“Let’s face it, not all young girls have the builds or the busts to deport a lot of French Jews east.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Women March On Washington For A Second Straight Week

WASHINGTON (AIP) – For the second Saturday in a row more than half a million women led by a host of celebrities staged a protest on the Mall in the nation’s capital to vent their anger over what they see as the abusive and coercive laws Euclidean Geometry .

“Fuck Euclid,” screamed pop star Madonna to a cheering crowd. “I’m here to tell you that a straight line segment can NOT be drawn between any two points. That’s homophobic, anti-trans, anti-black, anti-woman talk and we’re not going to stand for it.”

“I have a vagina and I don’t believe that all right angles are congruent.”

Organizers for this second march had hoped for at least 200,000 women to turn out in support their anti-geometry protest and were pleased when that number surged to over 500,000.

“The women of this country are sick and tired of white male geometry as usual,” said Dorothy Hammell, vice president of Women’s March Inc. and organizer of the march. “For way too long males in this country have forced the laws of geometry down our throats. It's like being raped and we’re sick and tired of being geometry's bitch.”

Singer Ashley Judd roused the crowd with her speech at the beginning of the March.

“I have a pussy,” Judd told ecstatic supporters. “That means that not any straight line segment can be extended indefinitely in a straight line because I have a pussy.

"I feel Hitler in these streets, exchanging a mustache for a congruent than sign. I have a pussy that says that not all triangles have three sides."

Hammell said that the group hopes to organize a protest against the laws of thermodynamics in the near future.