Thursday, October 19, 2017

Local Man's Charity Donation On Hold

HOLIDAY, FL (AIP) - Local used car salesman Ian Paul wants desperately to donate to charity - any charity- but he simply can't decide which blanket he would rather receive in thanks for his gift.

"I mean, they all have really cool blankets," said Paul. "But I need to find one that really speaks to me and, of course, keeps me warm".

After weeks of keeping himself glued to the television, Paul has narrowed it down to the Shriner's Hospital, Wounded Warriors, and that "freezing dog tied to the fence in the snow group", said Paul.

"They are all worthy," said Paul. "It's a fucking conundrum."

Paul bemoaned the lack of specificity in the otherwise heartbreaking pitches.

"Not one of these groups tells you if their blankets are virgin alpaca or merino," said Paul. "And I, for one, thinks that's damn important.

"If one of these worthy charities would offer a snuggly-like advocacy blanket I be in with all $5.00," Paul told reporters. "I am all for charitable giving. All those groups deserve my support."

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Hitler Inspired Walt Disney, Others

ORLANDO (AIP) - Recently released documents from the Disney archives prove that the "you must be this tall" signs had a notorious beginning.

"The Disney Corporation and its affiliates, denies any connection between the Third Reich and our rides," said Disney spokesman Karl Schultz.

Conspiracy theorists believe otherwise.

"Ya fucking kidding?" conspiracy theorist Andy Rawl told reporters. "The photos speak for themselves. Clearly Disney is just a Nazi front. Walt was antisemitic. It's common knowledge."

Six Flags, Busch Gardens and the Florida State Fair have all denied any Third Reich connections.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Rawl Comes Back

LACANTO, FL (AIP) – Saying that he doesn’t think he’s wounded anymore, carpet installer Andy Rawl told reporters that he’s ready to move along with his life.

“I usually wake up a quivering mass of self-doubt and regret,” Rawl told reporters, holding his first news conference in more than 8 months. “But today? Well today I feel alive and whole. I feel like the bleeding has finally stopped.”

Rawl, whose suddenly developing lack of confidence and angst stunned fans since February of 2017 seems to have regained his old form.

“I woke up today realizing that the nameless pain and sense of loss isn’t unique to me, that pretty much everyone has things in their lives that become festering wounds,” said Rawl. “I just decided to not let those things control my outlook on the future or the way I live my life day by day.”

Time Magazine’s chief personality reporter Melvin Blanc, who has been close friends with Rawl for nearly a decade, commented on Rawl’s psychological rebound.

“I ask him what he thought the future might bring,” said Blanc. “He looked me in the eye and said that he didn’t give a fuck. That’s when I knew he was healed. At that point I actually started to cry. He’s finally ok.”

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Mattel Announces A New Addition To The Lineup

EL SEGUNDO, CA (AIP) – The Mattel Corporation is proud to announce the latest addition to the wildly popular Barbie line – the brand new Klaus Barbie, complete with her racially pure companion Ken.

“This new Klaus Barbie doll is probably the hottest Barbie to join our product line in years,” said Mattel Spokesman Mary St. Christopher- Charles. “She’s been in research and development for about two years and should be on the shelves in time for the Christmas Season.”

Klaus Barbie comes complete with a fashionable mid-century French wardrobe, Nazi gold party badge and French train timetable so that “her cargo is never not on schedule,” said St. Christopher-Charles.

“We expect sales to go through the roof,” said St. Christopher-Charles.

Not all consumers are excited by the new Klaus Barbie.

“Just another example of a major corporation Aryan-shaming the young girls of this country who are not as racially thin or busty as the unrealistic image the Klaus Barbie portrays,” said feminist group FEMEN spokesman Connie Large. “This new Klaus Barbie just makes those girls feel bad about themselves.

“Let’s face it, not all young girls have the builds or the busts to deport a lot of French Jews east.”

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Women March On Washington For A Second Straight Week

WASHINGTON (AIP) – For the second Saturday in a row more than half a million women led by a host of celebrities staged a protest on the Mall in the nation’s capital to vent their anger over what they see as the abusive and coercive laws Euclidean Geometry .

“Fuck Euclid,” screamed pop star Madonna to a cheering crowd. “I’m here to tell you that a straight line segment can NOT be drawn between any two points. That’s homophobic, anti-trans, anti-black, anti-woman talk and we’re not going to stand for it.”

“I have a vagina and I don’t believe that all right angles are congruent.”

Organizers for this second march had hoped for at least 200,000 women to turn out in support their anti-geometry protest and were pleased when that number surged to over 500,000.

“The women of this country are sick and tired of white male geometry as usual,” said Dorothy Hammell, vice president of Women’s March Inc. and organizer of the march. “For way too long males in this country have forced the laws of geometry down our throats. It's like being raped and we’re sick and tired of being geometry's bitch.”

Singer Ashley Judd roused the crowd with her speech at the beginning of the March.

“I have a pussy,” Judd told ecstatic supporters. “That means that not any straight line segment can be extended indefinitely in a straight line because I have a pussy.

"I feel Hitler in these streets, exchanging a mustache for a congruent than sign. I have a pussy that says that not all triangles have three sides."

Hammell said that the group hopes to organize a protest against the laws of thermodynamics in the near future.