Friday, June 26, 2015

Escaped Killers Still On The Lamb

Dannemora, NY (AIP) – In a stunning upset, political unknown Richard Matt has defeated incumbent James Tedisco (R,C,I –Glenvlle) in a election for the New York State Assembly, ending Tedisco’s hold on the seat that began in 2005.

“I can’t tell the wonderful folks of Dannemora how pleased I am to represent them,” said Matt, who first came to national attention when he and fellow convicted murderer David Sweat escaped from the Clinton Correctional Facility in Dannemora. “I can assure the people that I will use the same ‘get it done’ work ethic that I relied on to bang that hideous Joyce Mitchell over 100 times. I hated doing it, but we needed her and the power tools she provided.

"I'm all about getting it done for the good folks here in Dannemora.”

Meanwhile, authorities say that they hope to capture both escaped killers soon.

“We’re checking on some credible leads at this time and we won’t quit until they are recaptured,” said Clinton County District Attorney Andrew Wylie. “We’re hope that folks keep their eyes open and phone us if they see anything suspicious.

"Matt and Sweat will be caught. We will find them."

Matt, whose landslide 73 percent margin of victory set a New York State election record, spoke to supporters in the banquet room of the Hampton in Plattsburgh after his stunning victory.

“You folks are great Americans,” said Matt to the cheering crowd. “I’m going to Albany to represent you.”

In a related story, Matt’s escape accomplice David Sweat and his band The Diggers will be opening for Journey at the LaVell Edwards Stadium in Provo, UT on July 4, 2015.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Boston Bomber Tsarnaev Does An About-Face

BOSTON (AIP) -In an abrupt about face, convicted Boston Marathon Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev - after spending his entire trial smirking at witnesses and victims in his trial - apologized to those same people at the conclusion of the trial’s penalty phase, an action which many see as an attempt to avoid the death penalty.

"I am sorry for the lives I have taken, for the suffering that I have caused you, for the damage I have done, irreparable damage," Tsarnaev, 21, said in a courtroom filled with parents of the dead and some of those wounded in the April 15, 2013 bombing.

Religious experts point to a new fatwa issued by Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, head of the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS), informing future jihad martyrs that there has been a ‘slight change’ in the afterlife in light of the tremendous number of women being raped by ISIS fighters. Going forward all future Islamic martyrs would receive 72 male virgins, in lieu of the previously promised 72 female virgins.

“Unfortunately, we’re fresh out of virgin women and will be for the foreseeable future,” the Fatwa states. “Hence forth, upon entering Paradise, everybody gets guys.”

Legal expert Martin Lawrence thinks the new information contained in the fatwa may have had an impact on Tsarnaev’s defense strategy.

“I’m guessing that this new information has suddenly made Paradise a little less attractive to him,” said Lawrence. “In fact, I believe he might have changed his mind about the joys of martyrdom completely.”

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

More Americans Join ISIS in Syria

NEW YORK (AIP) – Beloved purple and green dinosaur Barney, hero to a myriad of television watching children, has stunned and sadden his audience by leaving the United States and apparently joining others in the ranks of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), according to his longtime manager Buck Woodson.

“I know kids are stunned,” said Woodson. “Hell, I’m stunned. When I saw the video of Barney in the bed of that truck brandishing an AK47 during the battle for Palmyra I was shocked. There’s no mistaking a purple dino carrying an Islamic State flag. It’s him.”

Barney’s radicalization and embracing of ISIS is just the most recent in a growing list of American cartoon characters that have joined the ranks of the radical Islamic group attempting to create a caliphate in the Middle East.

“At first it was just Archie and Jughead so we weren’t really worried,” said Department of Homeland Security undersecretary Carolyn McMichael. “But then Bart Simpson joined, followed by Scooby Doo and Popeye.

“When Charlie Brown and Linus showed up in ISIS videos we knew we were in trouble.”

The Pentagon has announced that artists Stan Lee and Charles Schultz have agreed to consult with military planners on how best to erase the defectors from the battle field.

“We feel very fortunate, national security-wise,that none off the Disney stable of characters has been radicalized up till now,” said McMichael.


Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Blugo Shocks Reporters

BRADENTON, FL (AIP) - In a rare outburst at his weekly press conference Cracker Barrel server Ryan Blugo grabbed an MSNBC reporter by the lapels and screamed "I just don’t care anymore".

"You people don't understand, I have lost all hope for the future," said the normally upbeat Blugo. "Everything has gone right to hell. Hillary Clinton is leading the field despite being a congenital liar. Al Sharpton is somehow the voice of Black America. Golden State won the NBA Championship and Dustin Johnson three putts the final hole at the US Open to lose.

“Who could possibly care about anything anymore?”

Blugo, reminded by reporters of his recent cancer remission, multimillion dollar lottery win late last year and the surprising health of his premature daughter, appeared complete distraught.

“The whole ISIS thing is pretty disturbing,” said Blugo, tears streaming down his cheeks. “The global warming bullshit has me doubting the intelligence of my fellow man. I mean really? Al fucking Gore?”

Blugo said the only bright spot he sees is the strength of the stock market.

“It’s still a raging bull,” said Blugo. “At least something is positive.”

Friday, June 12, 2015

Dugger's Arrest Sparks Outrage

ELIZABETHTON, TN (AIP) – Sports equipment manufacturer Nike and car maker Jaguar have both notified local resident Michael Dugger that they are terminating his relationship with their companies after his arrest for domestic violence on Wednesday evening.

“We feel that Mr. Dagger’s behavior is detrimental to our company’s image,” said Nike spokesman Victor Hubert. “While Mr. Dugger is innocent until proven guilty, the very fact of his arrest brings a dark cloud on him.”

According to police reports Dugger allegedly pushed his wife during a family argument in the couple’s living room.

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters Thursday morning said that he was surprised and alarmed by Dugger’s actions.

“This guy has stepped outside the bounds of decency, if the reports are true,” said Goddell. “The league will be investigating this incident and, if found to be true, we will take decisive action.”

Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig issued a written statement decrying Dugger’s actions and urging authorities to quickly prosecute him for his actions.

“There’s no place in baseball for domestic violence,” said Selig’s statement.

President Barack Obama, speaking to reporters in the Rose Garden Thursday afternoon, stressed the need for a thorough investigation.

“The Justice Department has already begun a civil rights investigation into this matter,” said Obama. “It’s time in this country for folks to engage in some soul searching about domestic violence in general and we will get to the bottom of the unfortunate events in Elizabethton.”

Dugger,51, an assistant manager at the Elizabethton Big Lots store is bewildered by the high profile his case has developed, according to his attorney Christian Matthews.

“We’re unsure why all these people are weighing in with comments about this case,” said Matthews. “My client has never had a contract to represent Nike or Jaguar, doesn’t even watch professional football or baseball and has no ties to the government. We can’t understand why all these people are commenting on this very minor, local incident.”


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

College Removes Hastert Name From Center

CHICAGO (AIP) – Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert’s alma mater Wheaton College, a liberal arts Christian school near Chicago, has removed his name from the college’s center for Economics, Government and Public Policy, proving once again that naming things after living people can be a real mistake.
“Historically, it’s never good to name buildings, schools, organizations or medical facilities after anyone still alive,” said Harvard historian Dr. Michael Burke. “Probably the classic example is that unfortunate Lee Harvey Oswald Middle School in Arlington, Texas that scrambled to rename itself John Connally Junior High after that unpleasantness in Dealy Plaza in November of 1963.
“The local school board there really dropped the ball on that one.”
Burke said that there’s a long history of similar mistakes.
“The living can go sideways on you at any time,” said Burke. “The John Wilkes Booth Trauma Center outside Washington, The Ted Bundy Foundation for the Performing Arts in Gainesville, Florida and Joseph Stalin Vocational School in Virginia are just a few examples. There have been a lot of bad naming choices.”
It isn’t always major public institutions that find themselves named after someone who later becomes infamous.
“There was that small restaurant outside Los Angeles that had to change its name from the Manson Family Diner after the Tate-Labianca situation,” said Burke. “At the same time the Squeaky Fromme Montessori School in Glendale had to rename itself.”
Occasionally, according to Burke, naming an institution after someone still alive seems almost prophetic.
“In the late 1970’s no one at the Penn State could understand why they named a new medical research center the Jerry Sandusky School for Sodomy Studies,” said Burke. “In retrospect, however, it seems to have worked out nicely.”