Saturday, January 31, 2015

Noted Wordsmith Dies

NEW YORK (AIP) - Famed linguistics expert and social icon Millard McQueen, whose creation of the word 'Duh' rocketed him to stardom passed away Thursday, after a brief but painful illness.

McQueen's creation of 'Duh' in 1979 was seen by critics as a more family friendly way of telling others how banal their less than insightful comments really are, replacing the then popular 'you're a dumbass'.

Two years later, in 1981, McQueen cemented his legacy by adding the prefix 'No' to the root word 'Duh', thereby expanding the flexibility of his literary creation.

McQueen was 81.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Local Man Drinks Self Into A Comma On Birthday

LARGO, FL (AIP) – Local man Steve Ward told friends at work on Thursday morning that he planned to celebrate his birthday that night by drinking himself into a comma at Harry’s Bar on East Bay Drive.

Thursday night he did not disappoint.

“A bunch of us came with Steve to celebrate,” said co-worker Marcia Thomas. “He sat down at the corner of the bar and kept calling for one round after another. The next time I saw him he was in a comma. It was amazing.”

Bartender Kelli Franklin said was not surprised. She has seen Ward do similar things in the past.

“A couple of weeks ago Steve drank himself into a semicolon,” said Franklin. “And last New Year’s Eve he and some buddy of his drank themselves into quotation marks.”

Ward said that he doesn’t confine himself to punctuation marks.

“In a few weeks I hope to drink myself into an ampersand,” said Ward. “And for Memorial Day I’m attempting the Greek letter sigma.”


Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Bantam Remains Hopeful

APOPKA, FL (AIP) – Despite repeatedly being rebuffed since his breakup with Missy Sharpleman over three years ago, Morris Bantam see encouraging signs from her recent response to his latest text message about missing her.

“She told me to ‘fuck off and die’ and I find that encouraging,” said Bantam. “Usually she just ignores my text messages but this time she actually responded. That’s certainly a good sign.”

Bantam, long known for his inability to see the writing on the wall or realize that the door has hit him on the ass leaving-wise, holds out hope that he can rekindle the relationship.

“I think I’m finally mature enough to realize that her sleeping with other men doesn’t mean she loves me less,” said Bantam. “And I also know that the gifts and money I give her will be vital to our renewed relationship.”

When contacted by reporters Sharpleman refused comment.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Has The System Failed Again?

WASHINGTON (AIP) – The System, in response to a previously announced Department of Justice (DOJ) investigation into its effectiveness, held a press conference Tuesday to deny allegations that it is failing to mold the children of today into good citizens and productive adults.

“I hear it all the time,” the System told reporters. “A kid gets shot in on the street by police because he fails to comply with police orders and attacks a cop and everyone is screaming that ‘the System’ failed. A kid steals a car and leads cops on a high speed chase that ends when an innocent bystander is run over and once again ‘the System’ failed. That’s bullshit.”

In response to reporter’s questions, the System denied failing, and launched a scathing attack on other factors in society.

“I’m expected to put clothes on their backs and food on their plates and free cell phones in their pockets,” said the System. “And then you expect me to rehabilitate these little bastards when they become criminals. Some of these kids are as bad as 6 month old mayonnaise. There ain’t no making them better.”

Effective Parenting, who retired from child care in the late 1960s, refused to comment specifically on the work of his successor but did make a general statement.

“I don’t think the System was designed or is capable of making children into good people,” said Effective Parenting. “I think society is asking way too much from the System and blaming it way too often when one of these little shits becomes exactly what he wants to be and dies committing a crime.”

DOJ spokesman Michael Manning said that his agency will continue to investigate the effectiveness of the System and said that charges against the System may be forthcoming.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Study Finds Girls Mimick Moms

GAINESVILLE, FL (AIP) A new study published by Dr. Phil Macon of the University of Florida’s Keith McCord School of Child Development shows that most young girls hope to follow the career paths that their mothers are currently pursuing.

“The numbers really are stunning,” said Dr. Macon. “We interviewed a large sampling of young girls and found that over 90 percent want to be just like their mothers.”

“I want to be a cunt, just like my mom,” said 9-year old Megan Walters, a fourth grader at the Raymond White elementary school in Myrtle Beach, SC. “Daddy says mommy is the biggest cunt he knows. I’m proud of her.”

Classmate Heather Thompson has a similar future goal.

“A ball buster,” said Thompson. “I’m not really sure what a ball buster does, but it sounds fun and I bet I’d be a good one.”

The same results were found at the McQueen Day School in Westchester, NY.

“Daddy says mommy is a slut and a tramp”, said Kayleigh Green, a fifth grader. “I want to be one of those, but not both. Being both seems very hard and mommy is always gone till late at night and when she comes home she's exhausted.”

Conversely, most young boys don’t want to be like their fathers.

“I definitely don’t want to be a prick like my dad,” said Kyle Winslow, also a fifth grader at the McQueen School. “He’s never happy and he makes mom cry a lot and calls me a loser.”

Johnson Announcment Shocks Friends, Family

MONTGOMERY, AL (AIP) – Second grader Bobby Johnson announced Friday that he no longer plans to become a cowboy when he grows up, stunning his parents and close friends with his unexpected disavowal of his former career plans.

“I just don’t wanna do that anymore,” said the 7-year old, speaking to reporters from the Play Place at the McDonalds restaurant on Zelda Road. “All my friends think it’s kinda dumb that I wanted to be a cowboy anyway.”

Johnson’s parents were taken aback by the sudden and unexpected announcement.

“Being a cowboy was all he ever talked about,” said father Quinton Johnson. “We thought he would be a wonderful cowboy.”

Bobby was somewhat vague about his future career plans.

“I’ve kinda narrowed it down to zombie slayer, methamphetamine manufacturer or pirate,” said Johnson. “I’ll probably return to school in the fall and see what my options are. I’ve got to make a decision because the window of opportunity is closing fast.”


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Owl Dead, Cat "Feline Of Interest"

BOSTON (AIP) – The Owl, a local musician who became famous for his year and a day sea journey with his eventual wife Pussy Cat, was found dead Friday on the doorstep of his friend the Turkey, a runcible spoon rammed through his supercilium according to police investigators.

“I was horrified,” said Turkey, who had been a neighbor of Owl and Pussy Cat for over 2 years since he preformed the couple’s wedding. “It was blood and feathers and that spoon jammed in his eyebrow. I’ll never get the image out of my mind.”

Police say that Pussy Cat has become a feline of interest in the case, but have been unable to locate her.

“We know that when the couple sailed away for a year and a day they had plenty of money wrapped in a five pound note,” said Boston police sergeant Mathew Vann. “They’ve lived pretty simply since that time so we’re not sure about what happened to all that money.

Defense attorney Brian Mingor, who has represented Pussy Cat in the past, spoke to reporters Friday afternoon at his law office.

“There’s no way Pussy Cat was involved with this,” said Mingor. “She doesn’t have an opposable thumb. It would have been physically impossible for her to wield the spoon and jam it into Owls eyebrow. Case closed.”

Police sergeant Vann isn’t so sure.

“We want to talk to her,” said Vann. “We’ve contact police in the Land where the Bong Tree grows. We have a feeling that she might have fled back there where she and Owl owned some property on the edge of the sand where they used to dance by the light of the moon.”

Owl’s longtime friend Piggy-wig was devastated by the news of his murder.

“I used to go and see his band play,” said Piggy-wig. “He sang so charmingly sweet. I’m gonna miss him.”

Hadley Golf Announces New Product Line

MIAMI (AIP) – Upstart golf equipment manufacturer Hadley Golf Limited has announced that it will unveil its new line of Cocksucker Golf equipment, including balls, clubs, bags and clothing, at the Doral Open on March 4th.

“I’m sure the weekend duffer is excited by the Cocksucker line,” said Marvin Graley, senior development vice president at Hadley Golf. “I mean guys have been screaming 'cocksucker!' for generations after watching a horrible shot leave the club face. Now they can own a brand that says it for them.”

Two-time tour winner and PGA golf sensation Carlos Castenda is the first pro signed to represent the new line. He says the equipment gives the weekend golfer an edge.

"Shanks, skulls, worm burners, chili dips. These Cocksucker balls and clubs have every shot," said Castenda. "The irons and woods are so unpredictable that you never know how your ball is going to come off the fairway. If you carry Cocksucker you'll always have a reason for playing a crap round of golf. It really is the fault of the equipment and not the man."

"Our new clubs and balls provide a valid, if somewhat pricey, reason why your golf game sucks," said Graley. "Once you get these no further excuses are necessary."

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

New Vaccine Annouced

PITTSBURGH (AIP) – Pharmaceutical giant Galaxo-Kline has received FDA approval to begin marketing its newest drug, a juvenile vaccine which testing has shown protects most children ages 4 to 11 from contracting cooties, a socially deadly disease in elementary schools across the country.

“We believe we’ve developed a real breakthrough drug,” said Galaxo-Kline spokesman Steve Taylor-Beckman. “For generations child contracting cooties have become social pariah amongst their classmates. This drug may well wipe out cooties in our lifetimes.”

Taylor-Beckman said that stockholders in his company should also be please.

“This thing is going to make our company a pot full of money,” said Taylor-Beckman.

First recognized in the early 1900s, cooties has spread to all 50 states. The disease, which infects children mostly on school playgrounds, marks those who get it for life. Children who are cootie-free generally will not speak to those who suffer and will neither play with them nor even touch them. The disease can lead to massive depression in the infected, scaring many for life.

“It’s hell,” said 42-year old cootie sufferer James Vandershine. “I have no friends, no companions. People will not even shake my hand in a business situation because of fear of contracting cooties. I only wish this drug had been developed earlier.”