SALEM, MS (AIP) – Democratic candidate for President and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, visiting Salem during a campaign sweep of the Northeast, was accused by local residents Mary Parsons of being a witch and subjected to the Water Test Thursday by local officials eager to rid their town of the minions of Satan.
“She bewitched me”, said Parsons, a science teacher at Middleburg High School. “In fact, she’s bewitched the whole country. She is clearly of the Devil and I lodged a formal complaint with the town clerk. I believe they took appropriate measures to cleanse us evil.”
Clinton was speaking to a sparse crowd at Middleburg High School when Sheriff Milton Smith, acting on a directive from the town council formally arrested her, trussed her with rope and flung her into the Naumkeag River.
“It’s the law,” said Smith. “Clinton seemed surprised that she was actually subject to it.”
According to the Water Test, a suspected witch is securely bound by rope and thrown into a body of water. If the suspect floats to the surface it is because she is held up by the Devil. A suspect that sinks to the bottom and drowns is considered innocent and posthumously exonerated of the charges.
“Clinton floated,” said Smith. “She's a witch. Case closed.”
Clinton was last seen bobbing out into the open Atlantic.