FARMVILLE, VA (AIP) – Prince Edward County Middle School Eighth grader Tommy Eversburger has announced that his is completely unable to master geometry because of the devastating effects of man made climate change to our world.
“Add my inability to ‘get’ geometry to the list that includes sea levels rising, ice sheets melting, the creating of ISIS,decreasing snow cover and ocean acidification,” said Eversburger. “This man made problem is probably going to make me repeat the 8th grade.”
President Barack Obama, who upon learning of the devastating personal effects of man made climate change on Eversburger’s invited him to the White House to discuss what steps the government might take to ameliorate the problem.
“There are things we can do to help young Tommy,” Obama told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference, flanked by Eversburger and former Vice President Al Gore. “I am issuing executive orders that will immediately tax and regulate coal burning power producing plants completely out of existence in a matter of months.
“My administration will also see to it that everyone walks to work from now on and there will be no more charcoal grills sold or used in the United States.”
A grateful Eversburger told the press that he was excited by the new government intervention into the economy.
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to learn geometry, but I think it’s cool that someone is finally doing something positive,” said Eversburger.