PETERBOROUGH, NH (AIP) – The sagging Hillary Clinton campaign, after losing momentum in the run up to the New Hampshire Presidential primary on November 9, enjoyed a much need boost Wednesday when the former Secretary of State announced that she would not attempt to have sexual intercourse with any male supporters during her campaign.
“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.
“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”
Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.
“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”
Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.
“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”