Friday, September 16, 2016

Clinton Health No Longer In Question

YOUNGSTOWN, OH (AIP) – The electrified corpse of Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has taken a 3 point lead in this key swing state against Republican hopeful Donald Trump according to the latest Pew Poll of likely voters released Friday.

“We’re very pleased that Mrs. Clinton’s moldering cadaver is doing so well in this very important state,” said Clinton Ohio campaign manager Kelli Sorenson. “Ever since we hired that new makeup guy to keep Hillary looking fresh and nearly life-like we’ve noticed the polls have been reacting favorably.”

There have been other recent changes in the Clinton campaign strategy that have seemed to help the candidate.

“We’ve found that if we can keep the press and all our wonderful supporters at least 15 feet away and up wind from the rotting body of Mrs. Clinton they seem to be much more favorably disposed toward her,” said Sorenson.

A campaign aid, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Clinton backers have an important breakthrough that should further increase lead in Ohio.

“They found that by using a series of electrodes and keeping a low voltage running through her body, her muscles can be kept rigid and the body remain upright without the help of the Secret Service,” said the aid. “She appears much more animated.”

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