Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Lawrence Scores Opening Round Victory

SAN FERNANDO, CA (AIP) – In what surely must be the least surprising result of an athletic contest in recent memory black belt Johnny Lawrence handed Daniel LaRusso his ass in the first round of the All Valley Karate Championships Saturday, knocking LaRusso out within 27 seconds and causing injuries that sent the unconscious LaRusso to the hospital.

“It was a fucking thing of beauty,” said Cobra Kai Dojo Sensi John Kreese, whose vicious karate style has become popular among local gangs. “Even before I told Johnny to sweep LaRusso’s legs he was doing it. From what I’ve been told by medical personnel he’ll probably never walk straight again.”

LaRusso, who had spent the previous three month in servile apprenticeship to apartment handyman Kesuke Miyagi in order to learn his style of karate never had a chance in the fight.

“LaRusso was pretty much fucked from the get go,” said Kreese. “He came out and stood on one leg with his arms out, absolutely opening himself up to an attack and Johnny simply destroyed him.”

Miyagi’s controversial karate style and perchance for young boys has come under pretty harsh scrutiny from tournament officials.

“We’ve checked and the county has no business license for a ‘Miyagi Dojo’”, said Frank Forrester, Tournament director. “Furthermore, apparently this Miyagi fellow is under federal indictment for violation of the the Stolen Valor Act. We’re also showing arrests from Florida for lewd and lascivious molestations. Aside from all that he damn near got the LaRusso boy killed.”

“Danielson not too bright,” said Miyagi. “I had idiot boy painting my fence, washing my cars and sanding my floors. When I told him ‘show me suck my cock’ he simply complied, assuming that it was some mystical form of karate training.

“One Saturday I took him to the beach and made him stand on a piling out in the water and jump up and down. It was the funniest damn thing to watch. He looked like a fool. I saw his injuries. That boy will probably never walk straight again.”

LaRusso’s mother Lucille said that Daniel is withdrawing from Valley High School and plans to finish his education at the Reseda Technical/Vocational College, studying hairstyling.

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