Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Blugo Shocks Reporters

BRADENTON, FL (AIP) - In a rare outburst at his weekly press conference Cracker Barrel server Ryan Blugo grabbed an MSNBC reporter by the lapels and screamed "I just don’t care anymore".

"You people don't understand, I have lost all hope for the future," said the normally upbeat Blugo. "Everything has gone right to hell. Hillary Clinton is leading the field despite being a congenital liar. Al Sharpton is somehow the voice of Black America. Golden State won the NBA Championship and Dustin Johnson three putts the final hole at the US Open to lose.

“Who could possibly care about anything anymore?”

Blugo, reminded by reporters of his recent cancer remission, multimillion dollar lottery win late last year and the surprising health of his premature daughter, appeared complete distraught.

“The whole ISIS thing is pretty disturbing,” said Blugo, tears streaming down his cheeks. “The global warming bullshit has me doubting the intelligence of my fellow man. I mean really? Al fucking Gore?”

Blugo said the only bright spot he sees is the strength of the stock market.

“It’s still a raging bull,” said Blugo. “At least something is positive.”

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