WASHINGTON (AIP) – Vowing to make good on Vice President Joseph Biden’s promise to “send them to hell”, on Thursday the United States Department of Veterans Affairs offered to provide the same quality medical care that United State military veterans receive to all soldiers injured fighting for the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS).
“This should effectively destroy ISIS as a fighting force in almost no time,” said Veterans Affairs spokesman Les Goldman. “The initial treatment wait time alone should kill off most of the more severely wounded and once we take the others in for treatment the problem will be solved, if you know what I mean.”
The move is just one of the economic measures the Obama Administration is considering in the war against ISIS. The Administration is also contemplating taking away the Lifeline Assistance and Lifeline Linkup phones – widely known as the Obama Phones – which the government has provided to ISIS fighters who qualify because of low income.
“Most of the tweets and YouTube uploads depicting scenes of massacre and destruction from the war zone have come via these phones,” said administration spokesman Josh Earnest. “Take away the free phones and problem solved.”
Earnest said that the administration is also considering making ISIS fighters ineligible for the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), Pell educational grants and the U.S. Housing and Urban Development rental assistance program.
“These economic sanctions, while harsh, should have ISIS crying ‘uncle’ in almost no time,” said Earnest.
Showing posts with label randall ward hall. Show all posts
Showing posts with label randall ward hall. Show all posts
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Obama Announces A Shakeup In Government
SAN CLEMENTE, CA (AIP) – President Barack Obama today announced that the White House, home to presidents since 1800, would no longer be his official residence and that he would be moving into the exclusive Talega Golf Club, located in Orange County.
“The President has been under a great deal of stress and needs to relax,” said Obama, speaking to reporters while lagging putts on the practice green beside the first tee box. “I can’t think of a better place for the President to kick back and get centered than on this beautiful par 72 Freddie Couples designed course.”
The President said that any mail for him can be sent care of the Talega Golf Club and phone calls requiring his attention can be made to Jimmie, master bartender in the club’s Signature Grille Restaurant, whom he will check with frequently for messages.
“The President is firm in his decision,” said former White House and now Talega Golf Club spokesman Josh Earnest. “He feels that the living in the White House doesn’t allow him to understand how the common folk live and play. By taking up residence at the exclusive Talega Club he will be able to rub elbows with ordinary men and women.”
The President, while playing a high stakes poker game with club members in the men’s locker room after a grueling 18 holes of grinding sand saves and snaking putts, said that the change was necessary in order for him to accomplish his goals as president.
“When I’m in Washington all I hear are questions about ISIL, or the Ukraine, or Ferguson,” said an obviously irritated Obama. “Here we can shoot the shit, have a couple drinks and just kick back. And the club's hyper-restrictive membership requirements will go a long way toward protecting me from the riff raff that I’m had to stomach for the last six years.”
“The President has been under a great deal of stress and needs to relax,” said Obama, speaking to reporters while lagging putts on the practice green beside the first tee box. “I can’t think of a better place for the President to kick back and get centered than on this beautiful par 72 Freddie Couples designed course.”
The President said that any mail for him can be sent care of the Talega Golf Club and phone calls requiring his attention can be made to Jimmie, master bartender in the club’s Signature Grille Restaurant, whom he will check with frequently for messages.
“The President is firm in his decision,” said former White House and now Talega Golf Club spokesman Josh Earnest. “He feels that the living in the White House doesn’t allow him to understand how the common folk live and play. By taking up residence at the exclusive Talega Club he will be able to rub elbows with ordinary men and women.”
The President, while playing a high stakes poker game with club members in the men’s locker room after a grueling 18 holes of grinding sand saves and snaking putts, said that the change was necessary in order for him to accomplish his goals as president.
“When I’m in Washington all I hear are questions about ISIL, or the Ukraine, or Ferguson,” said an obviously irritated Obama. “Here we can shoot the shit, have a couple drinks and just kick back. And the club's hyper-restrictive membership requirements will go a long way toward protecting me from the riff raff that I’m had to stomach for the last six years.”
Sunday, August 31, 2014
California Passes New Medical Drug Law
SACRAMENTO, CA (AIP)- Bowing to a strong grassroots movement of feminist sexually repressed women, California became the first state to pass a medical roofie bill, making the notorious date rape drug legal.
The new law, signed by Governor Jerry Brown on Thursday, was backed by the Coalition of Sexually Repressed Women.
"Thank god, I can finally have illicit sex with complete strangers without the emotional train wreck that used to come afterwards," said state represntative Martha Coakley (D-San Francisco) a strong proponent of the new law. "Last night I did two guys at the same time, both complete strangers, and to I have no regrets or remorse thanks to roofies."
Republican represntative Marc Johnston, normally conservative, went along with the ground swell movement.
"I think its a really good thing," said Johnston. "I dump one of these now lawful pills in a really hot girl's rum and coke at the bar and an hour later I'm ass-fucking her in the front seat of my car. I finish and go and she doesn't feel like a cheap slut the next day. It's win-win."
The new law, signed by Governor Jerry Brown on Thursday, was backed by the Coalition of Sexually Repressed Women.
"Thank god, I can finally have illicit sex with complete strangers without the emotional train wreck that used to come afterwards," said state represntative Martha Coakley (D-San Francisco) a strong proponent of the new law. "Last night I did two guys at the same time, both complete strangers, and to I have no regrets or remorse thanks to roofies."
Republican represntative Marc Johnston, normally conservative, went along with the ground swell movement.
"I think its a really good thing," said Johnston. "I dump one of these now lawful pills in a really hot girl's rum and coke at the bar and an hour later I'm ass-fucking her in the front seat of my car. I finish and go and she doesn't feel like a cheap slut the next day. It's win-win."
Monday, August 25, 2014
New Poll Suggests Young Voters Happy
NEW YORK (AIP) – The latest Pew Research polling indicates that the majority of Americans under age 40, some 87 percent of those responding, are very happy to be governed by a hubris filled ruling elite who have undergone Botox or testosterones injections and speak to the electorate in the condescending way normally reserved for a stupid child.
“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.
“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”
The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.
“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”
Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.
“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”
“I much prefer to be governed by a group of semi-conscious elderly folks,” said young Republican voter Mindy Peppershank. “They know what’s best for us.
“For example, Nancy Pelosi’s comment that ‘we have to pass the bill to know what’s in it’ is really something people of my generation understand. It’s insightful and brilliant in its logic. I never would have known if I should be for or against Obama Care without her pointing the way.”
The vast majority of young voters feel the same way according to the Pew poll.
“I sometimes get angry with the things the government does, but then I remember that these elderly men and women are actually better and brighter than most of us,” said Steve Quarles, a 36-year old airline pilot and registered Democrat. “They know what’s best for each of us and force us to do it, regardless of our personal preferences or desires. It’s really a lot of responsibility taken off our shoulders and thrust onto theirs.”
Pew research indicates that a slightly small majority of young Americans, 82 percent, love to be condescended to by those in office.
“I love being talked down to,” said Kwami Sportu, a nuclear engineer and registered independent voter. “There’s no better for our elected officials to show us the utter contempt they hold us in than for them to speak to and treat us as imbeciles.”
Friday, August 22, 2014
Vice Presdent Speaks About the Middle East
BRANSON, MO (AIP) – Vice President Joseph Biden today lashed out at the growing strength of ISIS throughout the embattled Middle East and warning them at the United State is quickly losing patience with the violence and terror they are spreading.
“My God, what kind of name is ISIS?” said Biden, speaking to the crowd at the Moon River Theatre before the Three Redneck Tenors took the stage for their evening show. “I mean, they named their army after a 1970’s TV show? If I was in charge I would have named them something tougher like ‘The Jihad Tigers’ or ‘The Killers for Muhammed’.”
The Isis television show starred JoAnna Cameron and Brian Cutler and ran from 1975 to 1976 on CBS.
“It’s a little know fact that, after 9/11, I made a trip to the Butner Federal Correctional Complex and had a face to face with that Omar Abdel Rahman, the guy that masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, “said Biden. “I walked in and said ‘Hey Cleric, look me in the eye and tell me you want to kill me just because I’m Protestant’. Well, he couldn’t look me in the eye, the pussy.”
Later in his show Biden produced a Ventriloquist puppet ‘Hillary’ and in a twist, the dummy made Biden speak.
“Hey Joe,” said Hillary at a high point in the show. “Since you can’t call a spade a spade anymore because it isn’t PC, what do you grab from the backyard tool shed?”
“A democrat?” answered Biden.
The “An Evening with Joe” show opens for the Three Redneck Tenors at the Moon River Theatre at 2500 W 76 Country Blvd for the next three weeks.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
“My God, what kind of name is ISIS?” said Biden, speaking to the crowd at the Moon River Theatre before the Three Redneck Tenors took the stage for their evening show. “I mean, they named their army after a 1970’s TV show? If I was in charge I would have named them something tougher like ‘The Jihad Tigers’ or ‘The Killers for Muhammed’.”
The Isis television show starred JoAnna Cameron and Brian Cutler and ran from 1975 to 1976 on CBS.
“It’s a little know fact that, after 9/11, I made a trip to the Butner Federal Correctional Complex and had a face to face with that Omar Abdel Rahman, the guy that masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, “said Biden. “I walked in and said ‘Hey Cleric, look me in the eye and tell me you want to kill me just because I’m Protestant’. Well, he couldn’t look me in the eye, the pussy.”
Later in his show Biden produced a Ventriloquist puppet ‘Hillary’ and in a twist, the dummy made Biden speak.
“Hey Joe,” said Hillary at a high point in the show. “Since you can’t call a spade a spade anymore because it isn’t PC, what do you grab from the backyard tool shed?”
“A democrat?” answered Biden.
The “An Evening with Joe” show opens for the Three Redneck Tenors at the Moon River Theatre at 2500 W 76 Country Blvd for the next three weeks.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Friday, April 18, 2014
New Drug Gets FDA Approval
Dallas (AIP) -The Food and Drug Administration has given final approval for pharmaceutical giant Smith-Kolaxco to begin marketing its new men’s erection enhancement drug Advandic, the first medication approved for human use whose side effects actually outnumber its possible benefits.
“Life is about risk,” said Smith-Kolaxco senior vice president James Carter-Bing. “Just getting out of bed in the morning is a risk. We at Smith-Kolaxco would urge men who suffer erectile dysfunction to roll the dice with us on this one.”
In pharmaceutical trials the drug caused the deaths of more than 30 percent of study volunteers, and permanently disabled another 27 percent.
Possible side effects include, but are not limited to shortness of breath, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, temporary or permanent blindness, loss of hair, loss of consciousness, anxiety, anal bleeding, sleeplessness, a diminished sense of self-worth, deafness in one or both ears, non-arteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy and death.
“Sure, some very bad things may or may not happen if you take Advandic ,” said Carter-Bing, “but without its benefits you can be damn sure that the girl you’re unsuccessfully trying to bone is going to laugh you right out of the bed.”
Feedback? Ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
“Life is about risk,” said Smith-Kolaxco senior vice president James Carter-Bing. “Just getting out of bed in the morning is a risk. We at Smith-Kolaxco would urge men who suffer erectile dysfunction to roll the dice with us on this one.”
In pharmaceutical trials the drug caused the deaths of more than 30 percent of study volunteers, and permanently disabled another 27 percent.
Possible side effects include, but are not limited to shortness of breath, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, temporary or permanent blindness, loss of hair, loss of consciousness, anxiety, anal bleeding, sleeplessness, a diminished sense of self-worth, deafness in one or both ears, non-arteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy and death.
“Sure, some very bad things may or may not happen if you take Advandic ,” said Carter-Bing, “but without its benefits you can be damn sure that the girl you’re unsuccessfully trying to bone is going to laugh you right out of the bed.”
Feedback? Ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Walmart Announces New Dress and Conduct Code
In a bow to its customer base, mega retailer Walmart is relaxing its formerly strict dress and conduct code for shoppers at all its store nationwide.
“It’s what (Walmart founder) Sam (Walton) would have wanted,” said corporate spokeswomen Heide McKinny. “People who would have liked to shop with us were instead going to Family Dollar or Kmart because of our antiquated dress and conduct code. Now they can come to us 24-7 and feel comfortable.”
Shoppers around the country seem to agree. Retail sales have spiked 8 percent since the new policy went into effect.
“Finally, the stuffy atmosphere is gone,” said customer Marc Ritchie, a construction worker from Chicago who lingered over the fresh produce section dressed in assless chaps and nipple pasties. “I definitely shop here more now.”
“I used to go to Kmart,” said James Aiken from Orlando. “I like to take a crap in the auto parts department. At Kmart I could mostly get away with it but got caught occasionally and did some jail time. Here I can run in for a bathroom rug, some pretzels, a coffee maker and then pinch off a loaf near the hubcaps and not have to worry about Big Brother ruining my shopping day.”
“We love the new feel,” said Missy Moore, who with her husband Ronnie from Plano, TX, enjoys having sexual intercourse in the children’s clothing section. They come to Walmart seven or eight times a week. "Being able to do it here really helps."
“Yeah. Makes me cum harder,” chimed in Ronnie.
“There’s no going back” said spokeswoman McKinny. “From now on it’s come as you are and do what you want at Walmart.”
Feedback? Ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
“It’s what (Walmart founder) Sam (Walton) would have wanted,” said corporate spokeswomen Heide McKinny. “People who would have liked to shop with us were instead going to Family Dollar or Kmart because of our antiquated dress and conduct code. Now they can come to us 24-7 and feel comfortable.”
Shoppers around the country seem to agree. Retail sales have spiked 8 percent since the new policy went into effect.
“Finally, the stuffy atmosphere is gone,” said customer Marc Ritchie, a construction worker from Chicago who lingered over the fresh produce section dressed in assless chaps and nipple pasties. “I definitely shop here more now.”
“I used to go to Kmart,” said James Aiken from Orlando. “I like to take a crap in the auto parts department. At Kmart I could mostly get away with it but got caught occasionally and did some jail time. Here I can run in for a bathroom rug, some pretzels, a coffee maker and then pinch off a loaf near the hubcaps and not have to worry about Big Brother ruining my shopping day.”
“We love the new feel,” said Missy Moore, who with her husband Ronnie from Plano, TX, enjoys having sexual intercourse in the children’s clothing section. They come to Walmart seven or eight times a week. "Being able to do it here really helps."
“Yeah. Makes me cum harder,” chimed in Ronnie.
“There’s no going back” said spokeswoman McKinny. “From now on it’s come as you are and do what you want at Walmart.”
Feedback? Ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Monday, April 14, 2014
golfing
In a moment of amazing clarity Elden realized that most of the things he really enjoyed in retrospect were very much akin to ripping off a bandage.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
dancing
The southeast wind was brushing against the front from the northwest. The atmosphere was devolving into a storm.
"You've never done anything for him".
Elden was incredulous.
"What?"
"Never anything."
"So I was just a stain down your leg?"
"Asshole."
Elden turned over. Sleep might not come.
"You've never done anything for him".
Elden was incredulous.
"What?"
"Never anything."
"So I was just a stain down your leg?"
"Asshole."
Elden turned over. Sleep might not come.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
My luck
Stopped on the way home and purchased a lottery scratch off ticket. Scratched the laytex surface off to reveal a judgment lien against myself.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
” It is enough if you don’t freeze in the cold and if thirst and hunger don’t claw at your insides. If your back isn’t broken, if your feet can walk, if both arms can bend, if both eyes can see, if both ears hear, then whom should you envy? And why?”
-Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.
On the other hand…
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.”
- Henry David Thoreau.
I guess it is all about perception. How one chooses to look and see and to interpret the things that come into each of our worlds.
Perhaps George Carlin explained it best: “Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
-Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.
On the other hand…
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.”
- Henry David Thoreau.
I guess it is all about perception. How one chooses to look and see and to interpret the things that come into each of our worlds.
Perhaps George Carlin explained it best: “Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)