JOHNSON CITY, TN (AIP) – Researchers at the East Tennessee State University College of Wise Sayings, have announced the results of their three year, 15 million dollar government funded study that has found that sticks and stones do, in fact, break bones but names don’t seem to have much physical effect.
“We’re pleased by the results,” said Dr. Harry Hilliard, Dean of the College of Wise Sayings. “Going in we weren’t sure what to expect but in pretty short order we found that sticks and stones, if properly handled, can affect some pretty serious damage on both bones and certainly soft tissue.”
Using a group of paid test subjects, mostly college students, researchers under Dr. Hilliard subjected one group to extended name calling and bad mouthing.
“Not one of those subjects suffered any physical damage,” said Hilliard. “Some of them cried and a few kind of got pissed off, but no blood and no breaks.
“We found that men are probably most affected when called a ‘cocksucker’, which surprised us. Women, of course, hate to be called ‘cunt’ but we pretty much expected that.”
A second group was pelted with stones and beaten with sticks.
“We got some pretty spectacular results with both sticks and stones,” said Hilliard. “Compound fractures, broken orbital bones, depressed fractures of skulls. We pretty much found that the wise saying was, in fact, dead on. We’re happy to apply the scientific method and prove it up.”