Friday, November 21, 2014

Blogger Fortunately Finally Dies Dumbly

LARGO, FL (AIP) Randy Hall, founder and author of this blog, died unexpectedly on Thursday and in his final failure died in a way that he vowed to avoid; namely in a way that people would laugh about.

Hall was killed when an ice cream truck, driven by 19-year old Muslim jihadist Ali Muhammad, careened through his bedroom wall and trapped Hall on the underside of his mattress where he languished for hours, eventually drowning in a rising tide of melted sherbet according to autopsy reports, while that awful ice cream truck “hello” song looped over and over.

“Perhaps the funniest death I’ve ever heard about,” said childhood friend Mitch Michael. “I mean he was a great guy and all, but the incredibly stupid way he died really diminishes any mediocre accomplishment he might have had. What a dumb fuck.”

Bystanders who heard the crash and rushed to the scene were unable to rescue Hall because of the inability to stop laughing. Two would-be rescuers were taken to the hospital to be treated for ruptured diaphragms caused by extended laughter. No one thought to call authorities until hours after Hall finally succumbed.

“I checked ‘dumbass’ on the certificate as the cause of death,” said Pinellas County Medical Examiner Winnie VanDonaldson. “He must have been a real dumbass to die in this fashion.”

Hall’s family has asked that nothing at all be sent in lieu of flowers and that absolutely no one mourn his passing.

“Thank God he’s finally embarrassed his family for the last time,” said family spokesman Charlie Jewel.


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