Monday, August 17, 2015

Rawl Calls It Quits

LARGO, FL (AIP) – Andy Rawl, famous for his never say die attitude and rosy outlook on life, told reporters Sunday that he’s finally calling it quits.

“To quote Roberto Duran, it’s ‘No Mas’,” Rawl told reporters in a hastily called press conference. “I’m done. I’m tossing in the towel.”

Supporters and friends were stunned by the announcement.

“This is a guy that has bet on the Tampa Bay Bucs to win every Sunday for the last 29 years,” said close friend Ryan Mingor. “Hell, I got a line of credit from my bank based solely on the condition that he loses at least nine times a season. He ends that and I’m in some trouble.”

Equally troubled was friend Harley Rimond.

“That stupid son of a bitch,” said Rimond. “He’s backed every dumb play, harebrained scheme and dubious endeavor that’s ever been launched. We’ve counted on him to be the guy that never says die. I guess he’s finally swallowed a little too much reality.”

"Stupid son of a bitch doesn't understand that when you stop dreaming all you have left are the nightmares."

Rawl told reporters that the time had come to stop seeing the bright side of things.

“When I lost my ass on that Solyndra investment I should have know,” said Rawl. “Lately it’s just one misstep after another. I’m done with all that. No more wishing on rainbows.

"From now on I'm only buying in to the cold and real."

The New York Stock Exchange lost 223 points after the announcement and bums everywhere realized that there would be no more free cigarettes or pocket change.

“Damn it,” said homeless Sidney Carlisle. “I always counted on his butts as an inexpensive way to augment my nicotine habit. Guess that’s over.”


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