Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Group Raises Minimum Wage To $15 An Hour

NEW YORK (AIP) – In a move touted as a break through by fast food workers and other traditional minimum wage employees, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has announced that beginning October 1 the organization will increase its minimum wage to $15.00 an hour for new employees.

“We feel that a living wage is a human right,” said Ayman al-Julani, spokesman for the terror group based in Iraq. “Sure, cutting off heads and lighting people on fire isn’t what you would call ‘highly skilled’ work, but our new employees have families to feed and bills to pay."

Mary Lou Boise, spokesman for the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), proclaimed the announcement by ISIS as a ‘new beginning’ for labor.

“Whether you’re cooking fries or slaughtering hostages, you deserved to make enough to live,” said Boise. “Management makes enough to live. Ownership makes enough to live. Why shouldn’t the working man and woman?

“The SEIU calls for all terrorist organizations to increase their base pay to a living wage.”

Opponents of the ISIS announcement were steadfast in their criticism of the unilateral increase in the minimum wage.
“This is going to drive the price of the average decapitation up dramatically,” said Senator Michael Dugger (R-Tennessee). “I guess that’s just one more thing an average working class family can’t afford to do.”

Neither Al Qaeda nor Hamas has announced plans to likewise increase the minimum wage for their new employees, although Hamas has a long-standing policy of generous bonuses for new employees after they complete their first suicide bombings.

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