TELFORD, TN (AIP) Local CVS Drugstore assistant manager Clint Longwood got a flat tire on is 2001 Ford Explore on Thursday, and on Friday morning he got the shock of his life when he learned the reason why.
“Apparently I’ve been targeted by ISIS because I am an infidel,” said Longwood, a Southern Baptist.
The claim of responsibility for the flat tire was made on ISIS radio, broadcast out of the Syrian city of Raqqa, the putative capitol of the new Islamic Caliphate. The message said that young “soldiers of the caliphate, acting on orders” had punctured Longwood’s right rear tire because of his disrespect for the Prophet Muhammad.
“Our glorious soldiers, operating in the Land of the Great Satan will soon begin a frenzy of terror; toilet papering houses, exploding firecrackers in toilets, towel snapping non-believers in gym class showers,” the message said. “We will cause cars to fail to start in the morning, coffee spills on new suits and many major appliances to fail, just when you finally think you are getting ahead.
"The Great Satan is no longer immune to our attacks.”
Longwood was angry.
“The damn tire cost me $128.00, and that's only because my brother-in-law got me his employee discount,” said Longwood.
Later in the same broadcast the fundamentalist group took responsibility for professional golfer Phil Mickelson’s inability to sink putts in the PGA’s major golf events.
“Mickelson will never hit a put between 8 and 15 feet in any of the Majors because of his disrespect for Allah and the Prophet,” the broadcast said. "However, we aren't going to otherwise interfere with his short game, because interference with his sand or pitching wedge is forbidden by the Koran."
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Clinton Knocking Them Dead In Iowa
DES MOINES, IA (AIP) – Pollsters in Iowa, pointing to their latest survey of likely Democratic voters in 2016, have pretty much proclaimed that Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, despite the damning new tell-all book The Clinton Connection.
“She’s a lock,” said Senior Pew Public Opinion researcher Thomas Giff. “There’s no one even close to her in the polls.”
The Clinton Connection, written by long time Clinton watcher Max Weygand, details with clear and convincing evidence how the Clinton Foundation has been involved with Latin American child sex trafficking, the opium trade in Southeast Asia, gun running to radical Islamic groups and cock fighting in rural South Carolina.
None of it seems to matter to voters.
“It’s amazing,” said Giff. “Nothing sticks to her. Over 83 percent of likely Democratic voters are blindly supporting her in a poll we did after the release of the latest book. She’s actually gained support.”
Giff said polls indicate that Clinton seems to have only one weakness.
“Historically, the only time Hillary has taken a dip in the polls is when a photo or video of her kankles appears in the media”, said Giff. “She’ll drop 15 or 20 points overnight if a shot of those bloated things are on the front page.
“As long as she sticks to pants on the campaign trail, she’s a shoo-in to get the nomination.”
“She’s a lock,” said Senior Pew Public Opinion researcher Thomas Giff. “There’s no one even close to her in the polls.”
The Clinton Connection, written by long time Clinton watcher Max Weygand, details with clear and convincing evidence how the Clinton Foundation has been involved with Latin American child sex trafficking, the opium trade in Southeast Asia, gun running to radical Islamic groups and cock fighting in rural South Carolina.
None of it seems to matter to voters.
“It’s amazing,” said Giff. “Nothing sticks to her. Over 83 percent of likely Democratic voters are blindly supporting her in a poll we did after the release of the latest book. She’s actually gained support.”
Giff said polls indicate that Clinton seems to have only one weakness.
“Historically, the only time Hillary has taken a dip in the polls is when a photo or video of her kankles appears in the media”, said Giff. “She’ll drop 15 or 20 points overnight if a shot of those bloated things are on the front page.
“As long as she sticks to pants on the campaign trail, she’s a shoo-in to get the nomination.”
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
New Federal Regulations Halt Development
GREENVALLEY, NC (AIP) – In a ruling announced Friday, the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has designated the land at both Boardwalk and Park Place to be ‘environmentally sensitive protected areas’ and denied developer Kyle Wilson’s request to build either houses or hotels on those properties.
“I mortgaged my holdings in Marvin Gardens and the Water Works to acquire those lands,” said Wilson, speaking to reporters Friday evening. “This new federal designation denies me the ability to develop these properties, which in turn will probably bankrupt me.”
Sister Shellie Wilson agreed with her brother.
“The new EPA requirements on the disposal of coal combustion residual (CCRs) have essentially forced me to board up the Electric Company,” said Shellie. “There is no way I can comply financially with the new environmental requirements.”
Meanwhile, a preliminary finding by the State Department will probably make father Matt Wilson’s dream of building a pipeline across his three properties at Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Pacific Avenues just a pipe dream indeed.
“These are now essentially worthless properties, thanks to intrusive government regulation in private industry,” said Matt.
Meanwhile the local governments of Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues have both declared bankruptcy and stopped making monthly pension payments to retired avenue workers, meaning that development in both the housing and hospitality industries has come to a halt.
“There’s no way I can win,” said an angry Matt Wilson. “In fact there’s no way that any of us can win. The family briefly discussed folding this up and moving on to play The Game Of Life, but new, higher income tax rates and Obama Care requirements have drained the fun out of that too.”
“I mortgaged my holdings in Marvin Gardens and the Water Works to acquire those lands,” said Wilson, speaking to reporters Friday evening. “This new federal designation denies me the ability to develop these properties, which in turn will probably bankrupt me.”
Sister Shellie Wilson agreed with her brother.
“The new EPA requirements on the disposal of coal combustion residual (CCRs) have essentially forced me to board up the Electric Company,” said Shellie. “There is no way I can comply financially with the new environmental requirements.”
Meanwhile, a preliminary finding by the State Department will probably make father Matt Wilson’s dream of building a pipeline across his three properties at Pennsylvania, North Carolina and Pacific Avenues just a pipe dream indeed.
“These are now essentially worthless properties, thanks to intrusive government regulation in private industry,” said Matt.
Meanwhile the local governments of Baltic and Mediterranean Avenues have both declared bankruptcy and stopped making monthly pension payments to retired avenue workers, meaning that development in both the housing and hospitality industries has come to a halt.
“There’s no way I can win,” said an angry Matt Wilson. “In fact there’s no way that any of us can win. The family briefly discussed folding this up and moving on to play The Game Of Life, but new, higher income tax rates and Obama Care requirements have drained the fun out of that too.”
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Protesters Seek Justice In Baltimore
BALTIMORE (AIP) – Protesters in large numbers came out again Monday night in a show of civil disobedience in the wake of the death of local resident Freddie Gray and proceeded to loot every local electronics store of virtually every flat screen TV in the greater Baltimore area.
“The Hitachi, the Sony, the Magnavox; only by taking these will we find social justice,” said the Reverend James Carmichael, speaking to a crowd of mourners Monday afternoon. “It is only through the pilfering of high end electronics can the community find peace and justice.”
Protesters took Carmichael’s words to heart.
“The death of what’s his name is a crime that society must pay for”, said protester Marcus Washington, speaking while exiting the Best Buy with a 46 inch Sony TV under his arm. “We demand some fucking justice and Hi Def viewing pleasure.”
Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake urged business leaders to take preventative measure in the wake of the protests.
“We strongly urge businesses not to lock their doors or otherwise impede these protesters”, said Rawlings-Blake. “Businesses can avoid broken store front windows and wrenched-off doors by simply keeping their doors unlocked and their asses out of sight.”
By early Tuesday morning it became apparent to Carmichael and other protest leaders that the stock of available flat screen TVs had become exhausted.
“I’m now urging my fellow protesters to seek justice for Freddie Gray in the looting of top tier wrist watches, sunglasses and designer handbags,” said Carmichael. “This is how Gandhi or Martin Luther King would have adapted to meet this fluid situation.”
“The Hitachi, the Sony, the Magnavox; only by taking these will we find social justice,” said the Reverend James Carmichael, speaking to a crowd of mourners Monday afternoon. “It is only through the pilfering of high end electronics can the community find peace and justice.”
Protesters took Carmichael’s words to heart.
“The death of what’s his name is a crime that society must pay for”, said protester Marcus Washington, speaking while exiting the Best Buy with a 46 inch Sony TV under his arm. “We demand some fucking justice and Hi Def viewing pleasure.”
Baltimore Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake urged business leaders to take preventative measure in the wake of the protests.
“We strongly urge businesses not to lock their doors or otherwise impede these protesters”, said Rawlings-Blake. “Businesses can avoid broken store front windows and wrenched-off doors by simply keeping their doors unlocked and their asses out of sight.”
By early Tuesday morning it became apparent to Carmichael and other protest leaders that the stock of available flat screen TVs had become exhausted.
“I’m now urging my fellow protesters to seek justice for Freddie Gray in the looting of top tier wrist watches, sunglasses and designer handbags,” said Carmichael. “This is how Gandhi or Martin Luther King would have adapted to meet this fluid situation.”
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Clinton Surges In Polls Despite Suspicion
GREEN RIVER, UT (AIP) – Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, the main person of interest in a series of prostitute murders in Utah and Colorado along the I-70 corridor dubbed the ‘Green River Murders’, has surged to the top of the national polls as the people’s choice for the next President of the United States.
“I guess the people of America are finally ready for a President Clinton who sits down when she pisses,” said Clinton to a cheering crowd at a campaign rally in Dallas on Sunday. “It’s time to turn the tables and have Bill washing the lip stick stains out of my panties for a change.”
Green River Sheriff’s Captain Michael Fukes said that his office is finally closing in on Clinton.
“We have Clinton on surveillance video from the local Wal-Mart buying duct tape and a filet knife with a State Department credit card one day before the ducted taped body of local prostitute Jennie Brown was found with her throat sliced open,” said Fukes. “The only thing we don’t have is DNA evidence.
“Clinton is clever, but every time she comes to town, another prostitute ends up in a dumpster.”
True Hillary supporters seem to care less that the potential President may well have a great deal of blood on her hands.
“Has Hillary killed 13 prostitutes in Utah and Colorado?” asked supporter Andrea Jacobs of Salt Lake City. “Maybe, but frankly she could debone an infant on national television and I’d still vote for her. She’s a strong woman, like me, and I think it’s time people stop being so sexist.”
Fukes said his office is close to making an arrest in her case.
“Our main concern is that we arrest her for the murders, she gets elected President and pardons herself,” said Fukes.
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“I guess the people of America are finally ready for a President Clinton who sits down when she pisses,” said Clinton to a cheering crowd at a campaign rally in Dallas on Sunday. “It’s time to turn the tables and have Bill washing the lip stick stains out of my panties for a change.”
Green River Sheriff’s Captain Michael Fukes said that his office is finally closing in on Clinton.
“We have Clinton on surveillance video from the local Wal-Mart buying duct tape and a filet knife with a State Department credit card one day before the ducted taped body of local prostitute Jennie Brown was found with her throat sliced open,” said Fukes. “The only thing we don’t have is DNA evidence.
“Clinton is clever, but every time she comes to town, another prostitute ends up in a dumpster.”
True Hillary supporters seem to care less that the potential President may well have a great deal of blood on her hands.
“Has Hillary killed 13 prostitutes in Utah and Colorado?” asked supporter Andrea Jacobs of Salt Lake City. “Maybe, but frankly she could debone an infant on national television and I’d still vote for her. She’s a strong woman, like me, and I think it’s time people stop being so sexist.”
Fukes said his office is close to making an arrest in her case.
“Our main concern is that we arrest her for the murders, she gets elected President and pardons herself,” said Fukes.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Baylor Unable To Explain Poor Decisions
PRESCOTT, AZ (AIP) – Louis Baylor, famous nationally for his string of bad choices in critical life matters, was unable to give a cogent explanation to reporters again on Friday concerning his latest bone-headed decision which has caused his life to take yet another downward spiral.
“What can I tell you guys?” said Baylor, an independent contractor for a local cold call vacation phone operation. “It seems like I’m singularly unable to look at a clear choice between two competing directions and figure out the one that is actually in my best interests.”
Baylor’s incredible string of bad choices first began in 2000, when he sold a gold coin collection his late father had amassed and poured the proceeds into stock in the Enron Company. In 2001 Enron went famously tits up.
“Yeah, that wasn’t so smart,” said Baylor.
Following a string of horribly bad personal choices from 2001 to 2007 that cost Baylor his home, wife, at least two loyal dogs and the tip of his left pinky Baylor made the incredibly bad decision to invest the proceeds from his mother’s life insurance policy with Bear Stearns in early 2008.
“I don’t know what I was thinking on that one,” said Baylor.
As recently as February, 2015 Baylor ‘bet the farm’ on the Seattle Seahawks to beat New England in the Super Bowl.
“I can’t believe I lost my grandfather’s farm on that one,” said Baylor.
Baylor’s next chance to really fuck things up for himself will come in May of this year, when he will purchase airline tickets for his next vacation.
“It’s either Tahiti or Fallujah, Iraq,” Baylor told reporters. “I’m having a tough time deciding.”
“What can I tell you guys?” said Baylor, an independent contractor for a local cold call vacation phone operation. “It seems like I’m singularly unable to look at a clear choice between two competing directions and figure out the one that is actually in my best interests.”
Baylor’s incredible string of bad choices first began in 2000, when he sold a gold coin collection his late father had amassed and poured the proceeds into stock in the Enron Company. In 2001 Enron went famously tits up.
“Yeah, that wasn’t so smart,” said Baylor.
Following a string of horribly bad personal choices from 2001 to 2007 that cost Baylor his home, wife, at least two loyal dogs and the tip of his left pinky Baylor made the incredibly bad decision to invest the proceeds from his mother’s life insurance policy with Bear Stearns in early 2008.
“I don’t know what I was thinking on that one,” said Baylor.
As recently as February, 2015 Baylor ‘bet the farm’ on the Seattle Seahawks to beat New England in the Super Bowl.
“I can’t believe I lost my grandfather’s farm on that one,” said Baylor.
Baylor’s next chance to really fuck things up for himself will come in May of this year, when he will purchase airline tickets for his next vacation.
“It’s either Tahiti or Fallujah, Iraq,” Baylor told reporters. “I’m having a tough time deciding.”
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Systems Failure Traps Shoppers
ST. PETERSBURG, FL (AIP) – Six unfortunate shoppers were trapped for nearly nine hours at the Tyrone Shopping Mall’s Macy’s Department Store Friday when a critical system providing power to the escalator failed, trapping the shoppers between the first and second floors.
“It was a nightmare,” said Sherry McIntyre. “My 7-year old and I were trapped with the others halfway between floors. I was terrified.”
Eventually St. Petersburg’s elite Fire and Rescue Unit arrived at the scene.
“We’ve trained for exactly this type of disaster,” said unit Lt. Martin Mayhew. “Our team sprung into action, set up a block and tackle arraignment through a steel girder in the ceiling then team members literally swooped in from above and plucked the at-risk shoppers off the escalator and deposited them in the men’s section of Macy’s.”
Four of the shoppers were slightly injured in the rescue. They were transported to Bayfront Medical Center, treated and released.
"Any time there is a tricky rescue, there's a chance of injury," said Mayhew.
“About five hours into the ordeal my 7-year old Kyle asked me why we couldn’t just walk back down the escalator stairs to the first floor,” said McIntyre. “He’s way too young to understand the dangers involved. It was crazy talk. “
The National Transportation Safety Board rushed a team to the site and is expected to release a report about the catastrophic failure this week.
“We’re just glad everyone is okay,” said Macy’s store manager Margaret Van Houten.
“It was a nightmare,” said Sherry McIntyre. “My 7-year old and I were trapped with the others halfway between floors. I was terrified.”
Eventually St. Petersburg’s elite Fire and Rescue Unit arrived at the scene.
“We’ve trained for exactly this type of disaster,” said unit Lt. Martin Mayhew. “Our team sprung into action, set up a block and tackle arraignment through a steel girder in the ceiling then team members literally swooped in from above and plucked the at-risk shoppers off the escalator and deposited them in the men’s section of Macy’s.”
Four of the shoppers were slightly injured in the rescue. They were transported to Bayfront Medical Center, treated and released.
"Any time there is a tricky rescue, there's a chance of injury," said Mayhew.
“About five hours into the ordeal my 7-year old Kyle asked me why we couldn’t just walk back down the escalator stairs to the first floor,” said McIntyre. “He’s way too young to understand the dangers involved. It was crazy talk. “
The National Transportation Safety Board rushed a team to the site and is expected to release a report about the catastrophic failure this week.
“We’re just glad everyone is okay,” said Macy’s store manager Margaret Van Houten.
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