Wednesday, May 6, 2015

ISIS Claims Responsibility

TELFORD, TN (AIP) Local CVS Drugstore assistant manager Clint Longwood got a flat tire on is 2001 Ford Explore on Thursday, and on Friday morning he got the shock of his life when he learned the reason why.

“Apparently I’ve been targeted by ISIS because I am an infidel,” said Longwood, a Southern Baptist.

The claim of responsibility for the flat tire was made on ISIS radio, broadcast out of the Syrian city of Raqqa, the putative capitol of the new Islamic Caliphate. The message said that young “soldiers of the caliphate, acting on orders” had punctured Longwood’s right rear tire because of his disrespect for the Prophet Muhammad.

“Our glorious soldiers, operating in the Land of the Great Satan will soon begin a frenzy of terror; toilet papering houses, exploding firecrackers in toilets, towel snapping non-believers in gym class showers,” the message said. “We will cause cars to fail to start in the morning, coffee spills on new suits and many major appliances to fail, just when you finally think you are getting ahead.

"The Great Satan is no longer immune to our attacks.”

Longwood was angry.

“The damn tire cost me $128.00, and that's only because my brother-in-law got me his employee discount,” said Longwood.

Later in the same broadcast the fundamentalist group took responsibility for professional golfer Phil Mickelson’s inability to sink putts in the PGA’s major golf events.

“Mickelson will never hit a put between 8 and 15 feet in any of the Majors because of his disrespect for Allah and the Prophet,” the broadcast said. "However, we aren't going to otherwise interfere with his short game, because interference with his sand or pitching wedge is forbidden by the Koran."

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