LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina today filed suit in federal court against the Mirror, Mirror On The Wall Company, makers of the world famous interactive mirror, contending that her mirror has told her for several years that she is the fairest of the all and that simply isn’t true.
“As much as I find him distasteful, what Donald Trump said about me is unfortunately true,” said Fiorina, speaking to reporters at the Las Vegas Convention Center Tuesday. “It seems that my face really does make me unelectable. My mirror never once told me that.”
Max Prior, spokesman for the Mirror, Mirror Company, defended the manufacture’s most popular product.
“It’s a comfort device,” said Prior. “Do women really want to go into their bathrooms every morning and hear that Candice Swanepoel is the fairest of them all? Does a woman really want to hear that she’s the 3,429,356,623rd fairest woman in the world? Of course not. Our mirror makes women feel good about themselves.”
In related legal news, Fiorina’s suit against the Jack Agricultural Products company continues to work its way through the courts. In that suit, attorneys for Fiorina contend that she was injured when the bean stock grown from Jack’s Magic Beans collapsed while the candidate was attempting an ascent to the Giant’s castle.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
New Clinton Poll Numbers Not Surprising
NEW YORK (AIP) – The results of a new Quinac University national poll show that seven of 10 voters “fervently wish” that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton would take her own life, a 27 percent increase over the August results.
“People really want her to kill herself in overwhelming numbers,” said PUD analyst Michael Fraley. “It seems that more and more American’s are simply sick and tired of her lies, subterfuge, equivocations, falsehoods, misrepresentations and hubris.”
Poll respondent Monica Bradenton, a 38-year old dental hygienist from Tupelo, MS, made her feelings on the subject quite clear.
“If she committed suicide on pay-per-view I’d buy a fucking ticket to watch in HD,” said Bradenton.
Clinton, responding to questions about the polls latest results, seemed nonplussed.
“Kill myself? You mean like with a gun?” Clinton said to reporters.
The poll shows that almost 71 percent of likely voters mean exactly that.
The new poll also shows a slight decline in the number of likely voters who would enjoy seeing Clinton choke to death on a piece of meat. Forty Seven percent of voters now care to see her do that, down from 55 percent one month ago. The number of voters who would like her to crack her head open as a result of a fall in the shower remained constant 38 percent
“People really want her to kill herself in overwhelming numbers,” said PUD analyst Michael Fraley. “It seems that more and more American’s are simply sick and tired of her lies, subterfuge, equivocations, falsehoods, misrepresentations and hubris.”
Poll respondent Monica Bradenton, a 38-year old dental hygienist from Tupelo, MS, made her feelings on the subject quite clear.
“If she committed suicide on pay-per-view I’d buy a fucking ticket to watch in HD,” said Bradenton.
Clinton, responding to questions about the polls latest results, seemed nonplussed.
“Kill myself? You mean like with a gun?” Clinton said to reporters.
The poll shows that almost 71 percent of likely voters mean exactly that.
The new poll also shows a slight decline in the number of likely voters who would enjoy seeing Clinton choke to death on a piece of meat. Forty Seven percent of voters now care to see her do that, down from 55 percent one month ago. The number of voters who would like her to crack her head open as a result of a fall in the shower remained constant 38 percent
Friday, November 6, 2015
Saints Find Key To Victory
NEW ORLEANS (AIP) – The New Orleans Saints, whose stunning 27-20 upset of the Carolina Panthers last Sunday was inspired by the remarkable play of rookie safety Michael Keenan after his brother was murdered in Fredericksburg less than 48 hours before the game, has inspired Saints management to take a new path to future victory.
“We’ve decided that we’re going to have one of our player’s relatives murdered by at least Friday of every week during the regular season,” said Saints general manager Clayton Max. “It’s amazing what a homicide can do for the won-loss record.”
Max said that the selection of the next victim would be random, ensuring that each player has an equal and ample opportunity to have a standout, career game.
“By having a player’s loved one gunned down, we’re allowing our men to put some fantastic plays on tape,” said Max. “We’re going to use a modified scissors, paper, rock selection process to pick each week’s victim.”
Max expects to see some great things with this new strategy.
“If we make the playoffs we might go ahead and have entire family units slaughtered,” said Max. “This approach to the playoffs gives us a real shot at the Super Bowl.”
“We’ve decided that we’re going to have one of our player’s relatives murdered by at least Friday of every week during the regular season,” said Saints general manager Clayton Max. “It’s amazing what a homicide can do for the won-loss record.”
Max said that the selection of the next victim would be random, ensuring that each player has an equal and ample opportunity to have a standout, career game.
“By having a player’s loved one gunned down, we’re allowing our men to put some fantastic plays on tape,” said Max. “We’re going to use a modified scissors, paper, rock selection process to pick each week’s victim.”
Max expects to see some great things with this new strategy.
“If we make the playoffs we might go ahead and have entire family units slaughtered,” said Max. “This approach to the playoffs gives us a real shot at the Super Bowl.”
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Opening Arguments Begin In Lawsuit
CHESHIRE, ENGLAND (AIP) – Opening Statements began today between co-defendants Hamilton Fence Company and the King, who find themselves being sued by the estate of Mr. Humpty Dumpty, whose life was allegedly cut short by a fall from a defective wall built by the Hamilton Company.
“Hamilton Fence created an attractive nuisance with the construction of that wall which enticed my client,” said Attorney Charles Beck-Whitmore, counsel for the Dumpty’s estate. “And after his tragic fall, both the King’s horses and the King’s men rendered ineffectual medical care, hastening the death of Mr. Dumpty.”
Beck-Whitmore is best known for successfully suing the owner of the hill where his client Jack fell down and broke his crown.
“The plaintiff in this case knew or should have known that - being an egg - a fall from any height would likely be fatal and therefore should have avoided climbing the Hamilton wall,” said defense attorney Carol Wagner. “He was the primary contributor to his own demise.”
Martin Kline, attorney for co-defendant the King, took a similar line.
“Dumpty was a well-know daredevil,” said Kline. “His shell was only 400 micromillimeters thick, for god’s sake. It’s like he was trying to die.”
The plaintiff accuses the both the King’s horses and the King’s men of improper medical attention after the fall.
“There was yolk fucking everywhere,” said Kline. “How were the defendants supposed to put that back together again?”
Arguments in the case continue tomorrow.
“Hamilton Fence created an attractive nuisance with the construction of that wall which enticed my client,” said Attorney Charles Beck-Whitmore, counsel for the Dumpty’s estate. “And after his tragic fall, both the King’s horses and the King’s men rendered ineffectual medical care, hastening the death of Mr. Dumpty.”
Beck-Whitmore is best known for successfully suing the owner of the hill where his client Jack fell down and broke his crown.
“The plaintiff in this case knew or should have known that - being an egg - a fall from any height would likely be fatal and therefore should have avoided climbing the Hamilton wall,” said defense attorney Carol Wagner. “He was the primary contributor to his own demise.”
Martin Kline, attorney for co-defendant the King, took a similar line.
“Dumpty was a well-know daredevil,” said Kline. “His shell was only 400 micromillimeters thick, for god’s sake. It’s like he was trying to die.”
The plaintiff accuses the both the King’s horses and the King’s men of improper medical attention after the fall.
“There was yolk fucking everywhere,” said Kline. “How were the defendants supposed to put that back together again?”
Arguments in the case continue tomorrow.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Local Boy Personally Effected By Climate Change
FARMVILLE, VA (AIP) – Prince Edward County Middle School Eighth grader Tommy Eversburger has announced that his is completely unable to master geometry because of the devastating effects of man made climate change to our world.
“Add my inability to ‘get’ geometry to the list that includes sea levels rising, ice sheets melting, the creating of ISIS,decreasing snow cover and ocean acidification,” said Eversburger. “This man made problem is probably going to make me repeat the 8th grade.”
President Barack Obama, who upon learning of the devastating personal effects of man made climate change on Eversburger’s invited him to the White House to discuss what steps the government might take to ameliorate the problem.
“There are things we can do to help young Tommy,” Obama told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference, flanked by Eversburger and former Vice President Al Gore. “I am issuing executive orders that will immediately tax and regulate coal burning power producing plants completely out of existence in a matter of months.
“My administration will also see to it that everyone walks to work from now on and there will be no more charcoal grills sold or used in the United States.”
A grateful Eversburger told the press that he was excited by the new government intervention into the economy.
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to learn geometry, but I think it’s cool that someone is finally doing something positive,” said Eversburger.
“Add my inability to ‘get’ geometry to the list that includes sea levels rising, ice sheets melting, the creating of ISIS,decreasing snow cover and ocean acidification,” said Eversburger. “This man made problem is probably going to make me repeat the 8th grade.”
President Barack Obama, who upon learning of the devastating personal effects of man made climate change on Eversburger’s invited him to the White House to discuss what steps the government might take to ameliorate the problem.
“There are things we can do to help young Tommy,” Obama told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference, flanked by Eversburger and former Vice President Al Gore. “I am issuing executive orders that will immediately tax and regulate coal burning power producing plants completely out of existence in a matter of months.
“My administration will also see to it that everyone walks to work from now on and there will be no more charcoal grills sold or used in the United States.”
A grateful Eversburger told the press that he was excited by the new government intervention into the economy.
“Well, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to learn geometry, but I think it’s cool that someone is finally doing something positive,” said Eversburger.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Local Man Makes Stunning Discovery
DECATUER, GA (AIP) – Local journeyman electrician Michael Thomas, 27, was stunned to learn Friday that former Vice President Al Gore’s real name is simply Al Gore.
“I always thought his name was FuckingAlGore,” said Thomas. “I was shocked to read that his name is simply Al Gore. I’ve never heard that. The ‘fucking’ has always been said first by everyone I know. Jeez. I feel really stupid.”
Harvard political science professor Martin Van Ness said that many people make the same mistake with Gore’s name.
“Most Americans think his name is really FuckingAlGore,” said Van Ness. “That’s not what his birth certificate says. It’s just kind of become shorthand for the American peple.”
“I always thought his name was FuckingAlGore,” said Thomas. “I was shocked to read that his name is simply Al Gore. I’ve never heard that. The ‘fucking’ has always been said first by everyone I know. Jeez. I feel really stupid.”
Harvard political science professor Martin Van Ness said that many people make the same mistake with Gore’s name.
“Most Americans think his name is really FuckingAlGore,” said Van Ness. “That’s not what his birth certificate says. It’s just kind of become shorthand for the American peple.”
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Clinton Takes Campaign Hit
SALEM, MS (AIP) – Democratic candidate for President and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, visiting Salem during a campaign sweep of the Northeast, was accused by local residents Mary Parsons of being a witch and subjected to the Water Test Thursday by local officials eager to rid their town of the minions of Satan.
“She bewitched me”, said Parsons, a science teacher at Middleburg High School. “In fact, she’s bewitched the whole country. She is clearly of the Devil and I lodged a formal complaint with the town clerk. I believe they took appropriate measures to cleanse us evil.”
Clinton was speaking to a sparse crowd at Middleburg High School when Sheriff Milton Smith, acting on a directive from the town council formally arrested her, trussed her with rope and flung her into the Naumkeag River.
“It’s the law,” said Smith. “Clinton seemed surprised that she was actually subject to it.”
According to the Water Test, a suspected witch is securely bound by rope and thrown into a body of water. If the suspect floats to the surface it is because she is held up by the Devil. A suspect that sinks to the bottom and drowns is considered innocent and posthumously exonerated of the charges.
“Clinton floated,” said Smith. “She's a witch. Case closed.”
Clinton was last seen bobbing out into the open Atlantic.
“She bewitched me”, said Parsons, a science teacher at Middleburg High School. “In fact, she’s bewitched the whole country. She is clearly of the Devil and I lodged a formal complaint with the town clerk. I believe they took appropriate measures to cleanse us evil.”
Clinton was speaking to a sparse crowd at Middleburg High School when Sheriff Milton Smith, acting on a directive from the town council formally arrested her, trussed her with rope and flung her into the Naumkeag River.
“It’s the law,” said Smith. “Clinton seemed surprised that she was actually subject to it.”
According to the Water Test, a suspected witch is securely bound by rope and thrown into a body of water. If the suspect floats to the surface it is because she is held up by the Devil. A suspect that sinks to the bottom and drowns is considered innocent and posthumously exonerated of the charges.
“Clinton floated,” said Smith. “She's a witch. Case closed.”
Clinton was last seen bobbing out into the open Atlantic.
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