PETERBOROUGH, NH (AIP) – The sagging Hillary Clinton campaign, after losing momentum in the run up to the New Hampshire Presidential primary on November 9, enjoyed a much need boost Wednesday when the former Secretary of State announced that she would not attempt to have sexual intercourse with any male supporters during her campaign.
“I was for Bernie (Sanders) because I absolutely couldn’t stomach the idea of having any type of sexual contact with Hillary,” said New Hampshire Democrat Charlie Fincus. “That pants-suited body and those tragic ankles coupled with her horror show laugh turned me off completely.
“But now that she’s promised to not try to screw me I think I can support her.”
Clinton campaign strategist Maura Kelly said the time was right to make the announcement.
“Over time our polling numbers have shown that the vast majority of male voters were aghast at the idea of having sex with Hillary,” said Kelly. “And an even larger group was sickened by the idea of Hillary having sex with anyone, anywhere, any time. Her announcement Wednesday should draw in a large number of new supporters.”
Peterborough resident Mason Hills was one of the many relieved potential voters who attended Wednesday’s rally.
“There is no way I could put my fuck stick in that one,” said Hills. “I’d rather dry hump a bail of barbed wire. Now that the pressure is off I can reexamine her campaign without my gag reflex kicking in.”
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Greece Stops The Financial Bleeding
VAN NUYS, CA (AIP) – After almost two years of tottering on the brink of financial ruin and threatening to destabilize the entire European Union, Greece today announced that it had won the Powerball Lottery and was fiscally sound again.
“It’s a godsend,” Greece told reporters on Thursday. “When I saw that Powerball come up I had this feeling that I was going to win it all. This 1.4 large is really going to go a long way toward turning things around for me.”
Lottery officials were pleased that so deserving a nation could win the big one.
“It’s good to see a poor country finally have something good happen to it,” said Lottery spokesman Daryl Mays.
The only kink in the storybook windfall for Greece was the Germany reaction.
“We actually loaned Greece the money to buy the quick picks,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “Greece didn’t have a pot to piss in without us. I’ll be speaking to attorneys about possible legal recourses to claim at least a portion of the prize money.”
Despite Greece’s vow to become financially stable going forward, reporters did note that Greece was spotted at LA’s trendy Rooftop at the Standard bar with porn starlets Tori Black and Jayden Jaymes.
“They’re old friends,” said Greece when questioned by reporters. “I just wanted to get together and have a nice lunch before I returned to Europe with the big check.”
“It’s a godsend,” Greece told reporters on Thursday. “When I saw that Powerball come up I had this feeling that I was going to win it all. This 1.4 large is really going to go a long way toward turning things around for me.”
Lottery officials were pleased that so deserving a nation could win the big one.
“It’s good to see a poor country finally have something good happen to it,” said Lottery spokesman Daryl Mays.
The only kink in the storybook windfall for Greece was the Germany reaction.
“We actually loaned Greece the money to buy the quick picks,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel. “Greece didn’t have a pot to piss in without us. I’ll be speaking to attorneys about possible legal recourses to claim at least a portion of the prize money.”
Despite Greece’s vow to become financially stable going forward, reporters did note that Greece was spotted at LA’s trendy Rooftop at the Standard bar with porn starlets Tori Black and Jayden Jaymes.
“They’re old friends,” said Greece when questioned by reporters. “I just wanted to get together and have a nice lunch before I returned to Europe with the big check.”
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Club Offers Exciting Promotional
FORT LAUDERDALE, FL (AIP) – The Pure Platinum Gentlemen’s Club, one of the oldest and finest gentlemen’s clubs on the East Coast of Florida has announced a new customer promotional which has patrons excited.
“Our normal cover charge is $10 for patrons entering the club,” said Platinum manager Ty Bignotti. “But we’ve worked out a special offer for our customers.
“Beginning Friday night, any customer who arrives with a child that is left in his vehicle while the customer enjoys the hospitality of our club will have the cover fee waived.”
Local tire store employee Max Reynolds is excited about the offer.
“Shit, I’ve got the kids every Friday night ‘cause the old lady works,” said Reynolds. “I’ve been letting them sleep in the car in the club’s parking lot for months now while I relax and unwind. I’m club Pure Platinum is finally recognizing me for that.”
Manager Bignotti says that the time youngsters spend in his parking lot can be a teaching moment.
“Everyone knows that kids as young as three or four can take care of themselves,” said Bignotti. “They’re safer in locked cars as long as daddy makes sure the windows are up. The time alone at night teaches these kids self reliance and bladder control.
"And we keep our parking lot dark as midnight so the kids can sleep."
Club patron Ryan McCandell has made plans to attend on the first night of the promotional.
“I don’t have any kids of my own, but I’ve offered to babysit my neighbor's five and six year olds that Friday,” said McCandell. “I’ll be there to tie one on.”
“Our normal cover charge is $10 for patrons entering the club,” said Platinum manager Ty Bignotti. “But we’ve worked out a special offer for our customers.
“Beginning Friday night, any customer who arrives with a child that is left in his vehicle while the customer enjoys the hospitality of our club will have the cover fee waived.”
Local tire store employee Max Reynolds is excited about the offer.
“Shit, I’ve got the kids every Friday night ‘cause the old lady works,” said Reynolds. “I’ve been letting them sleep in the car in the club’s parking lot for months now while I relax and unwind. I’m club Pure Platinum is finally recognizing me for that.”
Manager Bignotti says that the time youngsters spend in his parking lot can be a teaching moment.
“Everyone knows that kids as young as three or four can take care of themselves,” said Bignotti. “They’re safer in locked cars as long as daddy makes sure the windows are up. The time alone at night teaches these kids self reliance and bladder control.
"And we keep our parking lot dark as midnight so the kids can sleep."
Club patron Ryan McCandell has made plans to attend on the first night of the promotional.
“I don’t have any kids of my own, but I’ve offered to babysit my neighbor's five and six year olds that Friday,” said McCandell. “I’ll be there to tie one on.”
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Protestors Firmly In Control At Mizzou
COLUMBIA, MO (AIP) – The group Concerned Student 1950 began the ritual executions of professors and staffers at the University of Missouri on Wednesday, vowing to cleanse the campus of “unrighteous, bigoted and racist” university personnel.
“These motherfuckers are going to lose their heads,” said student activist and Concerned Student 1950 leader Marcus Washburn. “We’re going to drive elitist behavior, white privilege and tough curriculum right off of this campus at knife point.”
Three professors from the History Department were decapitated late Wednesday, according to a video posted on YouTube by a group claiming to be the Revolutionary Peoples Student Government, a heretofore unknown organization.
The video purports to show the three white professors, each over 60, being forced to kneel and then hoodie-wearing students can be seen taking large knives and decapitating the victims. A voice-over on the video announces that the students at the University of Missouri are sick and tired of racism and disrespect, white privilege, bigotry and tough academic standards.
“Kids will be kids,” said Missouri Department of Investigation head Culpepper Lee. “We all had some wild times in college. They’ll outgrow this.”
Meanwhile protestors clashed with graduate student teachers near the campus gym, the last stronghold of academia. Protesters vowed to “clean out that nest of racism and put all resistance to the sword.”
“These motherfuckers are going to lose their heads,” said student activist and Concerned Student 1950 leader Marcus Washburn. “We’re going to drive elitist behavior, white privilege and tough curriculum right off of this campus at knife point.”
Three professors from the History Department were decapitated late Wednesday, according to a video posted on YouTube by a group claiming to be the Revolutionary Peoples Student Government, a heretofore unknown organization.
The video purports to show the three white professors, each over 60, being forced to kneel and then hoodie-wearing students can be seen taking large knives and decapitating the victims. A voice-over on the video announces that the students at the University of Missouri are sick and tired of racism and disrespect, white privilege, bigotry and tough academic standards.
“Kids will be kids,” said Missouri Department of Investigation head Culpepper Lee. “We all had some wild times in college. They’ll outgrow this.”
Meanwhile protestors clashed with graduate student teachers near the campus gym, the last stronghold of academia. Protesters vowed to “clean out that nest of racism and put all resistance to the sword.”
Fiorina Files Suit
LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina today filed suit in federal court against the Mirror, Mirror On The Wall Company, makers of the world famous interactive mirror, contending that her mirror has told her for several years that she is the fairest of the all and that simply isn’t true.
“As much as I find him distasteful, what Donald Trump said about me is unfortunately true,” said Fiorina, speaking to reporters at the Las Vegas Convention Center Tuesday. “It seems that my face really does make me unelectable. My mirror never once told me that.”
Max Prior, spokesman for the Mirror, Mirror Company, defended the manufacture’s most popular product.
“It’s a comfort device,” said Prior. “Do women really want to go into their bathrooms every morning and hear that Candice Swanepoel is the fairest of them all? Does a woman really want to hear that she’s the 3,429,356,623rd fairest woman in the world? Of course not. Our mirror makes women feel good about themselves.”
In related legal news, Fiorina’s suit against the Jack Agricultural Products company continues to work its way through the courts. In that suit, attorneys for Fiorina contend that she was injured when the bean stock grown from Jack’s Magic Beans collapsed while the candidate was attempting an ascent to the Giant’s castle.
“As much as I find him distasteful, what Donald Trump said about me is unfortunately true,” said Fiorina, speaking to reporters at the Las Vegas Convention Center Tuesday. “It seems that my face really does make me unelectable. My mirror never once told me that.”
Max Prior, spokesman for the Mirror, Mirror Company, defended the manufacture’s most popular product.
“It’s a comfort device,” said Prior. “Do women really want to go into their bathrooms every morning and hear that Candice Swanepoel is the fairest of them all? Does a woman really want to hear that she’s the 3,429,356,623rd fairest woman in the world? Of course not. Our mirror makes women feel good about themselves.”
In related legal news, Fiorina’s suit against the Jack Agricultural Products company continues to work its way through the courts. In that suit, attorneys for Fiorina contend that she was injured when the bean stock grown from Jack’s Magic Beans collapsed while the candidate was attempting an ascent to the Giant’s castle.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
New Clinton Poll Numbers Not Surprising
NEW YORK (AIP) – The results of a new Quinac University national poll show that seven of 10 voters “fervently wish” that Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton would take her own life, a 27 percent increase over the August results.
“People really want her to kill herself in overwhelming numbers,” said PUD analyst Michael Fraley. “It seems that more and more American’s are simply sick and tired of her lies, subterfuge, equivocations, falsehoods, misrepresentations and hubris.”
Poll respondent Monica Bradenton, a 38-year old dental hygienist from Tupelo, MS, made her feelings on the subject quite clear.
“If she committed suicide on pay-per-view I’d buy a fucking ticket to watch in HD,” said Bradenton.
Clinton, responding to questions about the polls latest results, seemed nonplussed.
“Kill myself? You mean like with a gun?” Clinton said to reporters.
The poll shows that almost 71 percent of likely voters mean exactly that.
The new poll also shows a slight decline in the number of likely voters who would enjoy seeing Clinton choke to death on a piece of meat. Forty Seven percent of voters now care to see her do that, down from 55 percent one month ago. The number of voters who would like her to crack her head open as a result of a fall in the shower remained constant 38 percent
“People really want her to kill herself in overwhelming numbers,” said PUD analyst Michael Fraley. “It seems that more and more American’s are simply sick and tired of her lies, subterfuge, equivocations, falsehoods, misrepresentations and hubris.”
Poll respondent Monica Bradenton, a 38-year old dental hygienist from Tupelo, MS, made her feelings on the subject quite clear.
“If she committed suicide on pay-per-view I’d buy a fucking ticket to watch in HD,” said Bradenton.
Clinton, responding to questions about the polls latest results, seemed nonplussed.
“Kill myself? You mean like with a gun?” Clinton said to reporters.
The poll shows that almost 71 percent of likely voters mean exactly that.
The new poll also shows a slight decline in the number of likely voters who would enjoy seeing Clinton choke to death on a piece of meat. Forty Seven percent of voters now care to see her do that, down from 55 percent one month ago. The number of voters who would like her to crack her head open as a result of a fall in the shower remained constant 38 percent
Friday, November 6, 2015
Saints Find Key To Victory
NEW ORLEANS (AIP) – The New Orleans Saints, whose stunning 27-20 upset of the Carolina Panthers last Sunday was inspired by the remarkable play of rookie safety Michael Keenan after his brother was murdered in Fredericksburg less than 48 hours before the game, has inspired Saints management to take a new path to future victory.
“We’ve decided that we’re going to have one of our player’s relatives murdered by at least Friday of every week during the regular season,” said Saints general manager Clayton Max. “It’s amazing what a homicide can do for the won-loss record.”
Max said that the selection of the next victim would be random, ensuring that each player has an equal and ample opportunity to have a standout, career game.
“By having a player’s loved one gunned down, we’re allowing our men to put some fantastic plays on tape,” said Max. “We’re going to use a modified scissors, paper, rock selection process to pick each week’s victim.”
Max expects to see some great things with this new strategy.
“If we make the playoffs we might go ahead and have entire family units slaughtered,” said Max. “This approach to the playoffs gives us a real shot at the Super Bowl.”
“We’ve decided that we’re going to have one of our player’s relatives murdered by at least Friday of every week during the regular season,” said Saints general manager Clayton Max. “It’s amazing what a homicide can do for the won-loss record.”
Max said that the selection of the next victim would be random, ensuring that each player has an equal and ample opportunity to have a standout, career game.
“By having a player’s loved one gunned down, we’re allowing our men to put some fantastic plays on tape,” said Max. “We’re going to use a modified scissors, paper, rock selection process to pick each week’s victim.”
Max expects to see some great things with this new strategy.
“If we make the playoffs we might go ahead and have entire family units slaughtered,” said Max. “This approach to the playoffs gives us a real shot at the Super Bowl.”
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