NAIROBI, KENYA (AIP) – Archaeologists working a site on the outskirts of Nairobi have made an astonishing find that, if verified, will reset the fossil record and prove that assholes existed as far back as 12,000 years ago.
“We have found an asshole that carbon 14 dating indicates is at least 12,000 years old,” said Dr. Matthus Kingman, archaeologist in charge of the excavation. “We found an almost perfectly preserved skeleton with both middle fingers extended away from both otherwise clinched fists. The skeleton was clearly shooting the double bird at someone.”
Harvard Professor of Antiquities Dr. Blaine Quartermaster said that the find in itself doesn't conclusively prove that the skeleton was an asshole.
“There are two schools of thought here,” said Quartermaster. “The dominant and widely accepted theory is that assholes have been a recent development in the evolution of mankind and the fossil records seems to show that.
“And of course, the raised middle fingers by themselves don’t really prove this man was an asshole. He could have had arthritis.”
Kingman, who has named the skeleton ‘Nairobi Man’, said that there is plenty of proof that the man was an asshole.
“Aside from this man having died shooting the bird at someone, we also found a perfectly preserved Rolex Submariner still wrapped around his left wrist, a pair of Tony Lama lizard skin boots on his feet and the keys to a Corvette next to the remains,” said Kingman. “Clearly he was an asshole.”