Wednesday, July 15, 2015

FSU Takes Steps To Stop Player Arrests

TALLAHASEE (AIP) – Outraged by a series of violent acts committed against women by members of his football team, Florida State University football coach Jimbo Fisher has instituted two new classes that each incoming freshman football player must complete before he ever takes the field.

“The first class is called ‘Don’t Leave a Mark’,” said Fisher, speaking to reporters Friday. “The second class is ‘Avoiding Video Surveillance’. We want our young players to be equipped with the knowledge and skills necessary to get through four years with our program without an arrest.

“Everyone smacks women around. We just don’t want our players to constantly be arrested for it.”

“I think it’s a step in the right direction,” said NCAA rules compliance spokesman Marty Shore. “UCLA and Ohio State have been offering those classes to incoming freshman for years. When’s the last time one of those schools had a player being arrested for bitch slapping a woman?”

Fisher said that the two orientation classes are just part of a comprehensive program to keep his players out of jail.

“The Tallahassee Police Department is on board with us,” said Fisher. “They’ve agreed to no longer respond to 911 calls involving Seminole football players. Their cooperation could really cut down on player arrests.”

Fisher said that he had no choice but to institute the new programs.

“There are two ways to tackle the problem,” said Fisher. “Either we make our players stop being violent toward women - which is never going to happen - or give them the skills to avoid detection and arrest.

“These are basically good young men we’re bringing in. And frankly I don’t think there’s a place on our team for an 18-year old who hasn’t smacked around a few women.”

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