Friday, April 18, 2014

Walmart Announces New Dress and Conduct Code

In a bow to its customer base, mega retailer Walmart is relaxing its formerly strict dress and conduct code for shoppers at all its store nationwide.

“It’s what (Walmart founder) Sam (Walton) would have wanted,” said corporate spokeswomen Heide McKinny. “People who would have liked to shop with us were instead going to Family Dollar or Kmart because of our antiquated dress and conduct code. Now they can come to us 24-7 and feel comfortable.”

Shoppers around the country seem to agree. Retail sales have spiked 8 percent since the new policy went into effect.

“Finally, the stuffy atmosphere is gone,” said customer Marc Ritchie, a construction worker from Chicago who lingered over the fresh produce section dressed in assless chaps and nipple pasties. “I definitely shop here more now.”

“I used to go to Kmart,” said James Aiken from Orlando. “I like to take a crap in the auto parts department. At Kmart I could mostly get away with it but got caught occasionally and did some jail time. Here I can run in for a bathroom rug, some pretzels, a coffee maker and then pinch off a loaf near the hubcaps and not have to worry about Big Brother ruining my shopping day.”

“We love the new feel,” said Missy Moore, who with her husband Ronnie from Plano, TX, enjoys having sexual intercourse in the children’s clothing section. They come to Walmart seven or eight times a week. "Being able to do it here really helps."

“Yeah. Makes me cum harder,” chimed in Ronnie.

“There’s no going back” said spokeswoman McKinny. “From now on it’s come as you are and do what you want at Walmart.”


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