Okay… okay. I’ll tell you what you want to know. What you already know.
I guess I just couldn’t stand it anymore…
It wasn’t December 23 like the papers said, it was earlier than that. Maybe the 15th or 16th. I’m not really sure. I had been drinking pretty heavily so things- dates and time – are hazy at best, but it was before the 23rd.
He was sitting in the living room. Just sitting, like usual. He never talked, never acknowledged me. He would just sit for hours sometimes. Watching. Listening. And I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was fed up with it.
I came from behind him and I hit him. I hit him with the roofing hammer I’d used the past summer to replace the shingles over the family room that the storm had blown off. I hit him hard in the back of the head. He fell forward and there was blood, but no sound other than when I hit him. Like a watermelon falling from the kitchen counter and hitting the floor. That thump.
I duct taped his mouth and eyes. He was still breathing. He wasn’t that heavy. I carried him to my car and put him in the trunk.
I drove around for awhile. Finally to the beach. Johns Pass. It was late, after 3. There wasn’t any traffic.
I stopped at the top of the bridge, pulled him out of the trunk. He was still alive I think. I threw him over the side.
Do I feel bad? No. I feel relieved. All the way home that night I remember thinking that he got what he deserved. He was a snitch. “Elf on the Shelf’ will never trouble me again. To this day I think I did the right thing. I’d do it again.”
- Excerpt from video confession. State of Florida v. Randy Hall CRC13-20916CFANO, CT 1: MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE; CT 2: UNLAWFUL DUMPING OF PLUSH TOY.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Appeals Court Upholds Lower Court Finding
DENVER (AIP) – The 10th Circuit Federal Appeals Court today upheld the lower court's of $187 million to the plaintiff's in the class action lawsuit in which the Cartoon Actors Guild (CAG) claimed that the Acme Corporation, based in Las Vegas, had engaged in ‘dangerous and lax product development’that had caused the death and injury of over 70 Guild members.
““This is a major victory for my clients,” said attorney Stu York, lead attorney for CAG. “The Acme Corporation produced some horrible implements which they knew or should have known were inherently dangerous and would eventually maim or kill cartoon characters. Those people had no quality control.”
York cited the horrific death of actor Wile E. Coyote on the set of the film Going! Going! Gosh! on August 23, 1952.
“The script called for fellow actor Road Runner to drop an Acme anvil on my client’s head,” said York. “It was supposed to be a prop anvil, but Acme had inadvertently provided a real 160 lb. anvil. Needless to say my client's skull was crushed. That’s just one example of Acme’s bad faith and lax product control.
“Then there’s the incident in Duck Dodgers in the 241/2th Century when Marvin the Martin used what he thought was a prop Acme Disintegrating Pistol, but which turned out to be the real thing and actually disintegrated Daffy Duck. Mr. Duck’s family was devastated.”
Unlike many other cases, the money the plaintiffs receive from Acme may well make things better.
"This is about the money," said York. "My clients plan to hire some highly talented artists who may possibly be able to redraw their lost loved ones. Reanimate them, if you will."
Attorneys for the Acme Corporation said they will appeal the ruling.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
““This is a major victory for my clients,” said attorney Stu York, lead attorney for CAG. “The Acme Corporation produced some horrible implements which they knew or should have known were inherently dangerous and would eventually maim or kill cartoon characters. Those people had no quality control.”
York cited the horrific death of actor Wile E. Coyote on the set of the film Going! Going! Gosh! on August 23, 1952.
“The script called for fellow actor Road Runner to drop an Acme anvil on my client’s head,” said York. “It was supposed to be a prop anvil, but Acme had inadvertently provided a real 160 lb. anvil. Needless to say my client's skull was crushed. That’s just one example of Acme’s bad faith and lax product control.
“Then there’s the incident in Duck Dodgers in the 241/2th Century when Marvin the Martin used what he thought was a prop Acme Disintegrating Pistol, but which turned out to be the real thing and actually disintegrated Daffy Duck. Mr. Duck’s family was devastated.”
Unlike many other cases, the money the plaintiffs receive from Acme may well make things better.
"This is about the money," said York. "My clients plan to hire some highly talented artists who may possibly be able to redraw their lost loved ones. Reanimate them, if you will."
Attorneys for the Acme Corporation said they will appeal the ruling.
feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
CDC Confirms First Outbreak Of Ebola In US
ATLANTA (AIP) – Dr. Geoffrey Spellman, spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today confirmed that there are, in fact, 72 confirmed cases of Ebola among residents of the small town of Soddy-Daisy,a small town near Chattanooga, Tennessee.
“The tests have come back positive,” said Spellman. “There are 72 citizens of Soddy-Daisy out of an entire population of only 12,000 who have the disease. We are taking all possible steps to contain this outbreak.”
At first responders from the CDC were mystified as how it was that a rural town like Soddy-Daisy could suddenly be home to the first major North American outbreak of the disease. Soon, however, they found the answer.
“All of the victims received an email from a supposed recently deposed Nigerian prince offering to split his vast wealth with the individuals if they agreed to allow the prince to deposit his entire fortune into their bank accounts as soon as they forwarded, via Western Union, a small transfer fee,” said Spellman. “The 72 infected folks actually opened those emails and were immediately infected with the virus.”
The CDC has long issued warnings about not opening emails from Nigeria, Sierra Leone or any other West African nation.
“Ebola doesn’t kill,” said Spellman. “Stupidity and greed kill. If you’re a Caucasian American from the Deep South who’s never been more than 15 miles from your birthplace, don’t expect to be picked to receive a fortune from someone you’ve never known. That’s just having shit for brains.”
“The tests have come back positive,” said Spellman. “There are 72 citizens of Soddy-Daisy out of an entire population of only 12,000 who have the disease. We are taking all possible steps to contain this outbreak.”
At first responders from the CDC were mystified as how it was that a rural town like Soddy-Daisy could suddenly be home to the first major North American outbreak of the disease. Soon, however, they found the answer.
“All of the victims received an email from a supposed recently deposed Nigerian prince offering to split his vast wealth with the individuals if they agreed to allow the prince to deposit his entire fortune into their bank accounts as soon as they forwarded, via Western Union, a small transfer fee,” said Spellman. “The 72 infected folks actually opened those emails and were immediately infected with the virus.”
The CDC has long issued warnings about not opening emails from Nigeria, Sierra Leone or any other West African nation.
“Ebola doesn’t kill,” said Spellman. “Stupidity and greed kill. If you’re a Caucasian American from the Deep South who’s never been more than 15 miles from your birthplace, don’t expect to be picked to receive a fortune from someone you’ve never known. That’s just having shit for brains.”
Monday, December 8, 2014
New Paper Refutes Previous Beliefs
CAMBRIDGE, MA (AIP) – Naturalist and researcher Dr. Michael Bovine, head of the School of Lavatory Science at Harvard University, has published a scientific paper in Biological Review that claims his research has shown that the natural position of the toilet seat is ‘up’, putting to rest that age-old question.
“Our team has studied thousands of naturally occurring toilets in the Amazon basin and has found that, in nature, the toilet seat itself is always in the upright position until moved by man,” said Bovine. “It has become a powerful but erroneous myth in western culture that the seat should be in the down position. We’ve proved that conclusively.
"It's settled science. Anyone who disagrees is just pretty much a Luddite."
Women For Fair Treatment (WFFT) President Gladys McMahon vehemently disagreed with the paper’s findings.
“That is bullshit,” said McMahon. “You ever sat down on a cold porcelain bowl in the middle of the night? Ever gone straight into the fucking water? I have. God didn’t mean it to be this way.”
The Very Reverend James Howard, head of the Washington National Cathedral, was inclined to disagree with McMahon.
“The Bible makes no specific reference to the natural position of the toilet seat,” said Howard. “There are some vague references to bowel movements in the second book of James, but nothing that would allow an expert to extrapolate that the seat’s natural and God-ordered position is down. That leaves plenty of room for Dr. Bovine’s hypothesis to be correct.”
“Our team has studied thousands of naturally occurring toilets in the Amazon basin and has found that, in nature, the toilet seat itself is always in the upright position until moved by man,” said Bovine. “It has become a powerful but erroneous myth in western culture that the seat should be in the down position. We’ve proved that conclusively.
"It's settled science. Anyone who disagrees is just pretty much a Luddite."
Women For Fair Treatment (WFFT) President Gladys McMahon vehemently disagreed with the paper’s findings.
“That is bullshit,” said McMahon. “You ever sat down on a cold porcelain bowl in the middle of the night? Ever gone straight into the fucking water? I have. God didn’t mean it to be this way.”
The Very Reverend James Howard, head of the Washington National Cathedral, was inclined to disagree with McMahon.
“The Bible makes no specific reference to the natural position of the toilet seat,” said Howard. “There are some vague references to bowel movements in the second book of James, but nothing that would allow an expert to extrapolate that the seat’s natural and God-ordered position is down. That leaves plenty of room for Dr. Bovine’s hypothesis to be correct.”
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Fundraiser To Be Held For Boy Stricken By Blindness
SANDUSKY, OH (AIP) – The local chapter of the Shriners International will be holding a fundraiser for 12-year old Mickey Johnson who went blind as a result of incessant masturbation, although his mother had repeatedly warned him might happen, this Saturday at the Jackson Street Pier.
“He wouldn’t listen,” said mother Tara Johnson at a press conference announcing the fundraiser. “We couldn’t leave him alone in a room with one of those Housewives shows on the TV without returning to find him jerking off like one of those monkeys in the Chimp House at the Zoo. I told him that if he didn’t stop he’d go blind but he wouldn’t listen.”
Johnson had been repeatedly warned by his mother that overwhelming scientific and anecdotal evidence has shown a clear link between jerking off and complete blindness. In spite of the evidence, he merely increased the frequency of his self-eroticism, pushing the limits of endurance.
“It’s settled science,” his mother told reporters. "I knew it wouldn't end happily.
"“When the other kids would be outside riding bikes or playing basketball Mickey would be in his room, watching the 3rd season of Bay Watch on Blue Ray and hammering Hal.”
Young Johnson, who formerly played short stop on his little league team and enjoyed camping and riding his bike, seemed unrepentant at the visitation of divine retribution for his sins of commission.
“Frankly I enjoyed running a batch,” said Johnson. "I really enjoyed making little elvis vomit."
Saturday’s fundraiser will include games for the children, numerous food vendors and an educational workshop about the dangers of pulling the pud.
“We want to get the message out that running a batch of knuckle kids has consequences,” said fundraising organizer Julian DelCato. “Unfortunately most young men don’t realize that blindness is a direct result of excessive burping the worm. Sure, it’s fun while you do it, but there’s a price to pay.”
Guess speaker at the fundraiser will be Ray Charles, national spokesman for the Don’t Snap One Off Foundation. For more information or tickets visit the group’s website at www.ifyoudon’tstop.com.
“He wouldn’t listen,” said mother Tara Johnson at a press conference announcing the fundraiser. “We couldn’t leave him alone in a room with one of those Housewives shows on the TV without returning to find him jerking off like one of those monkeys in the Chimp House at the Zoo. I told him that if he didn’t stop he’d go blind but he wouldn’t listen.”
Johnson had been repeatedly warned by his mother that overwhelming scientific and anecdotal evidence has shown a clear link between jerking off and complete blindness. In spite of the evidence, he merely increased the frequency of his self-eroticism, pushing the limits of endurance.
“It’s settled science,” his mother told reporters. "I knew it wouldn't end happily.
"“When the other kids would be outside riding bikes or playing basketball Mickey would be in his room, watching the 3rd season of Bay Watch on Blue Ray and hammering Hal.”
Young Johnson, who formerly played short stop on his little league team and enjoyed camping and riding his bike, seemed unrepentant at the visitation of divine retribution for his sins of commission.
“Frankly I enjoyed running a batch,” said Johnson. "I really enjoyed making little elvis vomit."
Saturday’s fundraiser will include games for the children, numerous food vendors and an educational workshop about the dangers of pulling the pud.
“We want to get the message out that running a batch of knuckle kids has consequences,” said fundraising organizer Julian DelCato. “Unfortunately most young men don’t realize that blindness is a direct result of excessive burping the worm. Sure, it’s fun while you do it, but there’s a price to pay.”
Guess speaker at the fundraiser will be Ray Charles, national spokesman for the Don’t Snap One Off Foundation. For more information or tickets visit the group’s website at www.ifyoudon’tstop.com.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Obama Announces Latest Executive Action
FERGUSON, MO (AIP) – Saying that he was tired of the ‘honky bullshit’ President Barack Obama today flew to Ferguson and announced that the White House will offer a $100,000 bounty for the capture of former Ferguson police officer Darren Wilson ‘dead or alive’.
“If I had a son he would have looked like Trayvon and if I had a second son he would have looked like Michael Brown,” said Obama to a gathering of reporters outside of a recently burned down grocery store in Ferguson. “I can’t wait for these white devils to kill off my entire imaginary family before taking action.
“The American people are tired of congress not passing legislation that allow black folks to ignore any law that they don’t like. I’ve got a pen and a phone and a Glock and I’m going to use them.”
The Reverend Al Sharpton was ecstatic about the president’s latest edict.
“We’re going to show white American just how angry we are about… things,” said Sharpton. “The example of Gandhi showed just how effective non-violent looting and arson can be for a people seeking freedom.
The White House website – www.fuckwhitefolks.com – announced that the $100,000 bounty would be paid when Wilson’s body is produced at the gate of the White House. No questions will be asked. Officials will accept Wilson’s head in lieu of the entire body.
“If I had a son he would have looked like Trayvon and if I had a second son he would have looked like Michael Brown,” said Obama to a gathering of reporters outside of a recently burned down grocery store in Ferguson. “I can’t wait for these white devils to kill off my entire imaginary family before taking action.
“The American people are tired of congress not passing legislation that allow black folks to ignore any law that they don’t like. I’ve got a pen and a phone and a Glock and I’m going to use them.”
The Reverend Al Sharpton was ecstatic about the president’s latest edict.
“We’re going to show white American just how angry we are about… things,” said Sharpton. “The example of Gandhi showed just how effective non-violent looting and arson can be for a people seeking freedom.
The White House website – www.fuckwhitefolks.com – announced that the $100,000 bounty would be paid when Wilson’s body is produced at the gate of the White House. No questions will be asked. Officials will accept Wilson’s head in lieu of the entire body.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Buccaneers File Suit Against Health Care Company
TAMPA (AIP) – The National Football League’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers have filed a civil law suit against Ammogenesis Health Group, alleging that the team has paid the company upwards of $120,000 to provide its players with performance enhancing drugs that the team claims were ‘substandard’.
“We’ve paid Ammogenesis a lot of money to provide our players with top-shelf HGH, Beta-2 Agonists, dimethylamphentamine and Ritalin, among other things,” said team spokesman Marc Thibadoux. “That’s a lot of money to be 2 and 10. Clearly our guys aren’t getting the same quality of drugs that the Eagles or Cardinals are taking.”
“That’s bullshit,” countered Link Christianson, President of Ammogenesis. “The thing is, you’ve got to have a modicum of talent for these drugs to be effective. The Bucs just don’t. I could pump every player on that team full of pure cocaine and they still couldn’t beat Oakland.”
Longtime fans agree.
“The only way our team wins more than two games is if the visiting team happens to fly Malaysian Airlines,” said fan club president Marvin Isabella. “All the drugs in the world aren’t gonna enhance the performance of these losers.”
“We’ve paid Ammogenesis a lot of money to provide our players with top-shelf HGH, Beta-2 Agonists, dimethylamphentamine and Ritalin, among other things,” said team spokesman Marc Thibadoux. “That’s a lot of money to be 2 and 10. Clearly our guys aren’t getting the same quality of drugs that the Eagles or Cardinals are taking.”
“That’s bullshit,” countered Link Christianson, President of Ammogenesis. “The thing is, you’ve got to have a modicum of talent for these drugs to be effective. The Bucs just don’t. I could pump every player on that team full of pure cocaine and they still couldn’t beat Oakland.”
Longtime fans agree.
“The only way our team wins more than two games is if the visiting team happens to fly Malaysian Airlines,” said fan club president Marvin Isabella. “All the drugs in the world aren’t gonna enhance the performance of these losers.”
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