SANDUSKY, OH (AIP) – The local chapter of the Shriners International will be holding a fundraiser for 12-year old Mickey Johnson who went blind as a result of incessant masturbation, although his mother had repeatedly warned him might happen, this Saturday at the Jackson Street Pier.
“He wouldn’t listen,” said mother Tara Johnson at a press conference announcing the fundraiser. “We couldn’t leave him alone in a room with one of those Housewives shows on the TV without returning to find him jerking off like one of those monkeys in the Chimp House at the Zoo. I told him that if he didn’t stop he’d go blind but he wouldn’t listen.”
Johnson had been repeatedly warned by his mother that overwhelming scientific and anecdotal evidence has shown a clear link between jerking off and complete blindness. In spite of the evidence, he merely increased the frequency of his self-eroticism, pushing the limits of endurance.
“It’s settled science,” his mother told reporters. "I knew it wouldn't end happily.
"“When the other kids would be outside riding bikes or playing basketball Mickey would be in his room, watching the 3rd season of Bay Watch on Blue Ray and hammering Hal.”
Young Johnson, who formerly played short stop on his little league team and enjoyed camping and riding his bike, seemed unrepentant at the visitation of divine retribution for his sins of commission.
“Frankly I enjoyed running a batch,” said Johnson. "I really enjoyed making little elvis vomit."
Saturday’s fundraiser will include games for the children, numerous food vendors and an educational workshop about the dangers of pulling the pud.
“We want to get the message out that running a batch of knuckle kids has consequences,” said fundraising organizer Julian DelCato. “Unfortunately most young men don’t realize that blindness is a direct result of excessive burping the worm. Sure, it’s fun while you do it, but there’s a price to pay.”
Guess speaker at the fundraiser will be Ray Charles, national spokesman for the Don’t Snap One Off Foundation. For more information or tickets visit the group’s website at www.ifyoudon’tstop.com.