CAMBRIDGE, MA (AIP) – Naturalist and researcher Dr. Michael Bovine, head of the School of Lavatory Science at Harvard University, has published a scientific paper in Biological Review that claims his research has shown that the natural position of the toilet seat is ‘up’, putting to rest that age-old question.
“Our team has studied thousands of naturally occurring toilets in the Amazon basin and has found that, in nature, the toilet seat itself is always in the upright position until moved by man,” said Bovine. “It has become a powerful but erroneous myth in western culture that the seat should be in the down position. We’ve proved that conclusively.
"It's settled science. Anyone who disagrees is just pretty much a Luddite."
Women For Fair Treatment (WFFT) President Gladys McMahon vehemently disagreed with the paper’s findings.
“That is bullshit,” said McMahon. “You ever sat down on a cold porcelain bowl in the middle of the night? Ever gone straight into the fucking water? I have. God didn’t mean it to be this way.”
The Very Reverend James Howard, head of the Washington National Cathedral, was inclined to disagree with McMahon.
“The Bible makes no specific reference to the natural position of the toilet seat,” said Howard. “There are some vague references to bowel movements in the second book of James, but nothing that would allow an expert to extrapolate that the seat’s natural and God-ordered position is down. That leaves plenty of room for Dr. Bovine’s hypothesis to be correct.”