ATLANTA (AIP) – Dr. Geoffrey Spellman, spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today confirmed that there are, in fact, 72 confirmed cases of Ebola among residents of the small town of Soddy-Daisy,a small town near Chattanooga, Tennessee.
“The tests have come back positive,” said Spellman. “There are 72 citizens of Soddy-Daisy out of an entire population of only 12,000 who have the disease. We are taking all possible steps to contain this outbreak.”
At first responders from the CDC were mystified as how it was that a rural town like Soddy-Daisy could suddenly be home to the first major North American outbreak of the disease. Soon, however, they found the answer.
“All of the victims received an email from a supposed recently deposed Nigerian prince offering to split his vast wealth with the individuals if they agreed to allow the prince to deposit his entire fortune into their bank accounts as soon as they forwarded, via Western Union, a small transfer fee,” said Spellman. “The 72 infected folks actually opened those emails and were immediately infected with the virus.”
The CDC has long issued warnings about not opening emails from Nigeria, Sierra Leone or any other West African nation.
“Ebola doesn’t kill,” said Spellman. “Stupidity and greed kill. If you’re a Caucasian American from the Deep South who’s never been more than 15 miles from your birthplace, don’t expect to be picked to receive a fortune from someone you’ve never known. That’s just having shit for brains.”