Filmmaker Michael Moore Promotes New Documentary

(photo courtsey of Master Photographer Danny K)

LAS VEGAS (AIP) – Documentary film maker Michael Moore, whose insightfulness, slick editing and cunning manipulation of the facts has made him a darling of Hollywood intelligentsia decided to take a quick nap while speaking to reporters on his way home from picking up a bag of burgers at the White Castle after attending a session of the National Association of Broadcasters convention in Las Vegas on Tuesday.

“Time for Mr. Michael to catch some Z’s,” said Moore, who made himself comfortable propped up against a wall. “Genius occasionally has to saw some logs. Hell, it’s been a tough day.”

Moore is promoting his new film Hate Speech In America, which utilizes the aggressive interviewing of unsuspecting and unprepared non-spokespeople to zero in on the increasing number of individuals who are condemning radical Islamic fundamentalism in the United States.

“We’re pretty much begging these peaceful and deeply religious folks to cut off our heads in righteous indignation,” Moore said earlier. “I’m going to kick the shit out of the hate speech folks, just like I nailed Kmart in the Colombine thing,”

As Moore fell into a deep sleep he became unresponsive to reporters, who were forced to slap him into a semi-comatose state to complete the interview.

“It ain’t easy boys,” said Moore. “Manipulating the facts down to the point where they back my social position is like trying to put a six foot corpse into a two foot square Samsonite suitcase. It can be done, but you gotta cut some parts off.

“It sure isn’t easy to be the Leni Riefenstahl for the Left,” said Moore, falling back into what reporters agreed appeared a very self satisfied sleep.


feedback? ubetterubet129@hotmail.com

BMW Offers Breakthrough Safety Feature

CHICAGO (AIP) – Premier car manufacturer BMW has announced the latest breakthrough safety feature in the company’s continuing quest to build a safer car. Beginning with this year’s models, the BMW will no longer allow its owners to drive anywhere they are inappropriately dressed to go.

“It’s amazing,” said BMW 328S owner Marty Spankman. “Last week I came out of the house to go to the office and had inadvertently grabbed a green tie to go with my blue suit. The car stubbornly refused to start until I went back inside and got a red tie. The car probably saved my life.”

“Our new safety breakthrough will certainly avert many tragic events for our owners,” said BMW spokesman Klaus Goering.

Mary Suffield of Columbia, S.C. agreed.

“I had this suit on and my Bimmer told me that the pants made my ass look big,” said Suffield. “I switched to a dress and was the life of the party at the office Christmas luncheon.”

The new feature takes some getting used to, according to Michael Paine, of Gary, I.N.

“I spent about an hour trying to explain to the damn car that it was Casual Friday at the office but it still wouldn’t budge,” said Paine. “I finally phoned the dealer who told me that I had failed to purchase the Casual Friday upgrade when I bought the car. He was able to download it to the car and I was finally on my way to work.”

Goering was quick to dispel the notion that the safety feature may BMW models occasionally recalcitrant to take the owners where they need to go.

“The executive package software will take our owners wherever they want,” said Goering. “Along with the Casual Friday upgrade we also offer a Wal-Mart option that will allow the owner to drive to that location in his or her pajamas”.

Mexican Man Makes Scientific Breakthrough

MEXICO CITY (AIP) Local printer Emilio Escobar has stumbled unwittingly onto a revolutionary development in his field that he is sure will revolutionize the entire structure of his nation and perhaps the entire world.

“It’s called ‘moveable type’”, said Escobar. “This development will change everything.”

Moveable type, according to Escobar, is a system of printing that utilizes individual letters, numbers and punctuation on small lead blocks, allowing printers to reproduce a document an unlimited number of times quickly and easily.

“This will put an end to the old system of hand copying manuscripts,” said Escobar. “We will be able to mass produce copies of books, novels, plays. Everything.

“The people will be able to disseminate ideas, philosophies, scientific knowledge, poems and songs. This development will spread knowledge across out entire society; foster the exchange of ideas and technical breakthroughs. It’s revolutionary.”

Experts expect a renaissance in the culture of Mexico, similar to the one that revolutionized Europe in the in the middle of the 15th century when Johannes Gutenberg made exactly the same technological leap.

“There has been a dearth of world class Mexican writers, composers, poets and painters,” said Rubin Thomas, who studies social trends for Forbes Magazine. “Perhaps, with the advent of moveable type, we might expect to see some develop.”

And while moveable type is sure to move Mexico into at least the 18th century, Thomas noted that the nation still has a ways to go.

“Those people are at least three generations away from the development of incandescent lighting,” he said. “And it’s doubtful they will develop flush toilets any time soon.”

Baseball's Hamilton Admits Mistakes

LOS ANGELES (AIP) – Angels outfielder Josh Hamilton stunned the major league baseball world Sunday when he announced that he has come to understand that he is ‘only human’, the first time a major league baseball player has admitted to both humanity, with all its foibles, and mortality.

“I’m just a guy,” said Hamilton. “I face the same demons and struggles that other men face in life. I guess, like other folks, I am prone to mistakes and errors of judgment.”

Veteran baseball sports writer Hume McCracken was stunned by the announcement.

“I find it very hard to believe that a player of Hamilton’s ability and experience is actually human,” said McCracken, speaking to reporters Sunday evening. “This guy has had some shining moments and some real lows, but for him to think he’s only human is stunning. I’m speechless.”

Hamilton confessed to 60 Minutes host Scott Pelley that life ‘is sometimes hard’.

“I screw up occasionally Scott,” said Hamilton. “Some mornings I wonder what it’s all about and some nights, in an effort to ease the pain I have a couple beers. I know I’ve done wrong. I’m just a man.”

Major League Baseball spokesman Michael Johnson was outraged.

“Okay, so Hamilton is merely mortal? He’s looking at least a minimum 60 game suspension,” said Johnson. “Fallible? Well, he’s going to have to pay for that.”

Metcalfe Speaks With Reporters

GREEN RIVER, CO (AIP) – Meeting with reporters for the first time since the event, Karl Metcalfe was blunt.

“Fuck you”, said Metcalfe, clearly emotionally shaken and visibly upset. “I mean it. Just finally fuck you.”

Reporters questioned Metcalfe, who seemed unresponsive.

“I said fuck you and I mean it”, Metcalfe finally repeated. “How many ways can I say fuck you? I’m fresh out of any other more expressive ways to state my foundational feeling, which leaves you and me with fuck you.”

Metcalfe then began to sob silently. When reporters held him gently he deeply inhaled and then turned away.

“FUCK YOU,” he screamed, getting into his ’79 Trans Am and leaving the press conference.
Reporters doubted they would ever see him again so they turned on an Air Supply CD and wept bitterly.

Kerry Announces Iranian Deal

WASHINGTON (AIP) – Secretary of State John Kerry, speaking to a crowd assembled at Dulles International Airport upon his return from negotiations with Iranian officials in Lausanne, Switzerland, waived a signed agreement over his head and announced that he had reached a deal with ‘guarantees peace in our time’.

“We did it folks,” said a jubilant Kerry.

According to State Department officials, the deal requires the Iranians to ‘like’ the United States and not to be mean to us. In return, the American officials agreed to immediately remove economic sanctions against Iran that were first put into effect in an effort to stop Iran from enriching uranium in order to build a nuclear weapon.

“They like us, they really like us,” said Kerry to a cheering crowd.

Republicans were quick to point out that the agreement doesn’t actually require Iran to ‘like’ us, but only not to ‘hate us so much and quit calling us Satan’.

“The Secretary’s characterization of the plain language of the agreement is not accurate,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Analysts pointed out that no where does the agreement mention nuclear weapons or the enrichment of uranium.

“We found that the whole bomb thing was a real sticking point in negotiations so we dumped that demand,” Kerry told reporters. “Once we removed that sticking point the agreement pretty much worked itself out.”

Burns Releases New Documentary

COLUMBUS , OH (AIP) – Famed documentary director Ken Burns, whose previously popular series include films about the Civil War and the jazz age, has turned his attention to Youth League baseball in his newest film It's A Game Of Sex.

“It was pretty appalling,” said Burns, speaking to reporters by phone. “The game has a dark underbelly.”

The highlight of the film is an interview with famed youth league coach Barton McQuire, six times manager of national championship teams.

“Basically we started the youth league here in Columbus so men my age could have unlimited and unsupervised access to large numbers of young boys,” said McQuire. “The situation comes with a built in trust relationship that can easily be manipulated. I’m the coach, do what I say. Suck my cock. It’s surprisingly easy.”

Fellow coach Marty Johnson agreed.

“The parents would literally leave their boys in my possession,” said Johnson. “Those weekend road games were something out of Arabian Nights. Oh, we played baseball, but at night we just played.”

Burns said filming the movie was a real eye opener.

“I asked a number of parents about this and they all said the same thing,” said Burns. “They all told me that ‘it’s just part of the game’.”

“After 25 years of coaching all I can tell you is there are a large number of young men in the greater Columbus area that will never walk straight,” said McQuire.