WASHINGTON (AIP) – Secretary of State John Kerry, speaking to a crowd assembled at Dulles International Airport upon his return from negotiations with Iranian officials in Lausanne, Switzerland, waived a signed agreement over his head and announced that he had reached a deal with ‘guarantees peace in our time’.
“We did it folks,” said a jubilant Kerry.
According to State Department officials, the deal requires the Iranians to ‘like’ the United States and not to be mean to us. In return, the American officials agreed to immediately remove economic sanctions against Iran that were first put into effect in an effort to stop Iran from enriching uranium in order to build a nuclear weapon.
“They like us, they really like us,” said Kerry to a cheering crowd.
Republicans were quick to point out that the agreement doesn’t actually require Iran to ‘like’ us, but only not to ‘hate us so much and quit calling us Satan’.
“The Secretary’s characterization of the plain language of the agreement is not accurate,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Analysts pointed out that no where does the agreement mention nuclear weapons or the enrichment of uranium.
“We found that the whole bomb thing was a real sticking point in negotiations so we dumped that demand,” Kerry told reporters. “Once we removed that sticking point the agreement pretty much worked itself out.”