CAIRO, IL (AIP)- Nelson Adams, a 21-year old employee at the Kalob Avenue WAWA convenience store has officially broken up with Tiffany Waller citing "irreconcilable differences".
"Every time I act in a way she doesn't expect or understand she thinks something is 'going on' with me", said Adams, soon to receive his GED. "Tiff doesn't understand chaos theory or randomness. She thinks I'm fucking around on her when all I'm really doing is watching Iron Man 2 with my homeboys.
"I mean if I get a little depressed or down contemplating the human condition or or upset about events in the Middle East and become a tad distant Tiff thinks I'm screwing Brittany. "
Brittany confirmed that she and Nick were not, in fact, fucking.
"Nada," said Brittany.
"If I read something stunning like T.S Elliott's 'I should have been a pair of ragged claws, crawling across the floors of silent seas' and it kinda blows my mind then I might seem slightly distant," said Adams. "The Middle East is exploding and the Russians are in the Ukraine and Tiff thinks she's the fucking center of the universe and I'm cheating on her. Its stunning."
Waller, contacted by reporters, has her own view of Nelson's occasional emotional withdrawal.
"He's liar," Waller said."He isn't that deep. He's cheating and I can feel it. He's banging that slut Brittany."
"If occasionally Tiff would just watch Housewives-of-some-fucking-suburb or work the crossword puzzle and let me deal with the bigger questions in life we'd get along so much better," said Adams. "I love Tiff but her attempts to shackle my mind disturb and offend me.
"How the hell am I supposed to advance String Theory or finish the aria for the central character in the opera I'm working on with Tiff constantly thinking I'm just banging Brittany?"