WRISTBEND, IN (AIP) – Researchers at the University of Indiana-Wristbend today announced the unexpected findings of a five year government-funded study that they say will be a “game-changer” in the science of masturbation.
“Our findings are going to change the way people jerk off worldwide,” said Dr. Mike Tomlinson, lead researcher. “Incredibly, we’ve found that men and women who fantasize about other people when they masturbate have a faster, more satisfying orgasm.”
The study, largest of its kind ever, included 6,800 volunteer subjects.
“Running a batch used to take 45 minutes, maybe an hour,” said volunteer Dalton Gray, a junior at the University and third chair clarinet in the school’s marching band. “I’d just sit there and think about myself, my life and keep rubbing. I’d often finish with blisters on my unit, if I could finish at all.
“But in this study I learned that if I thought of someone else, like Shelia Johnson in my applied chemistry class giving me a blow job, I could pop a load within minutes. It was eye opener.”
And, according to Tomlinson, females who participated in the study were found to have similar results.
“The difference is amazing,” said Mandy Nelson, a dental hygienist. “I’m a little overweight and what you might call ‘homely’ so my masturbation life hasn’t been that fulfilling. But when I learned that I could imagine Russell Crowe orally manipulating my clit things changed dramatically.”
Tomlinson said his staff will next study the effects of viewing photographs and movies depicting sex acts between adults on a group of volunteer masturbators.
“Traditional wisdom tells us that dirty pictures and movies have no beneficial effects on masturbation, but we’re going to challenge that assumption,” said Tomlinson. “The walls may be coming down.”