VANCOUVER, BRITSH COLUMBIA (AIP) – In a spontaneous uprising unheard of in this normally peaceful city, citizens of Vancouver stormed the home of singer/song writer Terry Jacks, composer of the hit song Seasons in the Sun and tore him limb from limb using only their bare hands.
“It was stunning,” said Vancouver Mayor Jim Leavitt. “I’ve had reports from police that even young children were gouging at his eyeballs. There is some evidence that up to 2000 people were involved in this act of violence. ”
According to witnesses the crowd, which formed in the early morning hours, appeared to have had no real leader. Witnesses say that those involved seemed to be driven by the desire to destroy the writer of what may be the most depressing and maudlin song in the English language.
“I fucking hated that fucking song,” said one unnamed participant in the brutal killing. “We all did. We broke down his door and grabbed him out of his easy chair and literally ripped him apart. Some women were actually drinking his blood. I only wish we could kill him again.”
Seasons in the Sun, inspired by a French song and reworked by Jacks to commemorate a friend of his who was dying of leukemia was released in 1973 and went on to sell more than 10 million copies worldwide. The lyrics were written by poet Rod McKuen.
“Police officers were called when it became apparent that the crowd wouldn’t be content with just verbally castigating Jacks,” said Vancouver Police Chief Jacques Bell. “When we realized what they planned to do to the poor bastard we turned our phones and radios off and headed to the donut shop on the other side of town. Some of my men arrived at the scene roughly six hours later. There was nothing we could have done.”
Jacks limbless torso was hung from a light post in central Vancouver but witnesses say the head, with the tongue ripped out, was burned and the ashes scattered.
“I had almost been able to forget that damn song,” said one 53-year old participant in the killing. “But then that faggot boy band Westlife covered the song in 1999 and that brought it all back. Westlife better watch their asses.”
The Vancouver Medical examiner has record the cause of death as “accidental” and police chief Bell said he expects to make no arrests in the case.