WASHINGTON (AIP) – The System, in response to a previously announced Department of Justice (DOJ) investigation into its effectiveness, held a press conference Tuesday to deny allegations that it is failing to mold the children of today into good citizens and productive adults.
“I hear it all the time,” the System told reporters. “A kid gets shot in on the street by police because he fails to comply with police orders and attacks a cop and everyone is screaming that ‘the System’ failed. A kid steals a car and leads cops on a high speed chase that ends when an innocent bystander is run over and once again ‘the System’ failed. That’s bullshit.”
In response to reporter’s questions, the System denied failing, and launched a scathing attack on other factors in society.
“I’m expected to put clothes on their backs and food on their plates and free cell phones in their pockets,” said the System. “And then you expect me to rehabilitate these little bastards when they become criminals. Some of these kids are as bad as 6 month old mayonnaise. There ain’t no making them better.”
Effective Parenting, who retired from child care in the late 1960s, refused to comment specifically on the work of his successor but did make a general statement.
“I don’t think the System was designed or is capable of making children into good people,” said Effective Parenting. “I think society is asking way too much from the System and blaming it way too often when one of these little shits becomes exactly what he wants to be and dies committing a crime.”
DOJ spokesman Michael Manning said that his agency will continue to investigate the effectiveness of the System and said that charges against the System may be forthcoming.