PITTSBURGH (AIP) – Pharmaceutical giant Galaxo-Kline has received FDA approval to begin marketing its newest drug, a juvenile vaccine which testing has shown protects most children ages 4 to 11 from contracting cooties, a socially deadly disease in elementary schools across the country.
“We believe we’ve developed a real breakthrough drug,” said Galaxo-Kline spokesman Steve Taylor-Beckman. “For generations child contracting cooties have become social pariah amongst their classmates. This drug may well wipe out cooties in our lifetimes.”
Taylor-Beckman said that stockholders in his company should also be please.
“This thing is going to make our company a pot full of money,” said Taylor-Beckman.
First recognized in the early 1900s, cooties has spread to all 50 states. The disease, which infects children mostly on school playgrounds, marks those who get it for life. Children who are cootie-free generally will not speak to those who suffer and will neither play with them nor even touch them. The disease can lead to massive depression in the infected, scaring many for life.
“It’s hell,” said 42-year old cootie sufferer James Vandershine. “I have no friends, no companions. People will not even shake my hand in a business situation because of fear of contracting cooties. I only wish this drug had been developed earlier.”