SODDY-DAISY, TN (AIP) – Despite the fact that she occasionally ‘gets snaky’ Chad Hillhouse is still happy with his high maintenance girlfriend Lakota Custard whose outbursts of anger and stored up distrust have almost cost Hillhouse his life on more than one occasion.
“Oh, she’s definitely a cunt,” said Hillhouse, sipping a beer beside the pool at his parent’s home where he retreated after their last blowout. “She’s embarrassed me in front of friends, gone off on me in public and has pitched a bitch when she thought a waitress wasn’t being deferential enough to her at a diner, but I’ve learned to overlook most of it. I guess she’s okay in my book.”
Hillhouse’s friends disagree.
“She actually snapped her fingers under my nose like some proctor in an English public school,” said long-time Hillhouse friend Vander Mitchell. “She thought I was being disrespectful to her when Chad and I were joking about string theory one night in a physics discussion at the bar. She thought I was laughing about her. She was dead wrong and I would have punched her in the mouth but Chad gave me that ‘sorry dude’ look so I just let it go."
“Mega-bitch,” said Dr. Maurice McMillan, a childhood friend of Hillhouse and his personal physician. “She has a black heart. Seriously, I’m her doctor and have seen the color doppler sonograms of the thing. It’s black as a coal mine at midnight.
“Chad confided in me that the girl has to sleep in a freezer once a week to keep the blood in her veins ice cold.”
Nevertheless, Hillhouse has stated that he intends to remain with Custard.
“Really, she’s okay the majority of the time,” he said. “I mean, don’t most girls destroy the crockery and flatten the tires of the men they love? I mean, I can put up with it. Everything I say and do and think is ripe for misinterpretation and she gainsays my every positive action. Let's put is this way, I'm listening to one hell of a lot of Nirvana and really identifying with it.”