WASHINGTON (AIP) – In what some are calling a stunning development, an envoy from the self-proclaimed non-radical Islamists For United Caring Universally faction (IFUCU) has arrived in the nation’s capitol to seek arms and financial support for their fight against the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL).
“We are not like those ISIL guys,” said IFUCU envoy Muhammad Abu-Penn, formerly a Huntington Beach, CA grocery store bag boy and part time convenience store clerk who traveled to Syria 18 months ago to allegedly wage war against ISIL. “We are the opposite of those people.
“We reattach the severed heads of decapitated western hostages, restore the hymens of girls raped by ISIL terrorists and reanimate the corpses of executed Iraqi soldiers. We’re the good guys you’ve been looking for.”
President Barak Obama met with Abu-Penn for five hours on Tuesday and had nothing but praise for IFUCU.
“These are really good folks,” said Obama at a joint news conference with Abu-Penn. “I have pledged Envoy Abu-Penn that the United States would provide both light and heavy weapons and $50,000,000.00 in direct financial aid to help in their fight against ISIL.”
Republican Senator Michael Nye (R, Nebraska) was skeptical of IFUCU’s claims.
“None of this has been independently verified,” said Nye. “Reattaching heads? Reanimating corpses? Restoring hymens? That is fantastical on its face. I have to call bullshit on all of this.“
Contacted hours after Senator Nye’s comments while boarding a cargo ship bound for Syria containing the bulk of promised weapons for the United States, Abu-Penn was dismissive of the Senator’s disbelief.
“That’s nonsense,” said Abu-Penn, waiving a $50,000,000.00 money order from the US government. “We’re those moderate Muslims that you people have been looking for for so long with such little success. We’re on your side. You can trust us. See ya.”