Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Local Girl Strikes Out

WEBER CITY, VA (AIP)- In what experts are calling the upset of the decade, Cathy Ann MacArthur was unable to find an inebriated local male to have sexual intercourse with at the J&K State Line Bar and Grill Friday night, despite her surgically augmented breasts, low cut neck line and obvious intentions.

“I was putting it out there,” said MacArthur, contacted at her mother’s home Saturday afternoon. “I would have fucked about anything that walked last night. I mean, I just didn’t care. I was bending over low when spoken to and spread my legs pretty wide when I got up to go piss so the boys could see I wasn’t wearing underwear but nothing was effective.”

Local auto mechanic and known slut hound Mickey Slaughters, who is usually ‘on it’ as the residents of the small town of Weber City say, was at the bar that evening and would normally have ‘hit it’ as local residents also often say, but didn’t.

“Yeah, she’s got the rack and some buddies have told me that she can suck-start a Boeing 787 Dreamliner,” said Slaughters, making jerky from a deer he poached out of season just outside the city limits. “Friday night I saw her at the bar and thought I might hit it, but I was really in the mood to discuss the poetry of Allen Ginsberg, the film career of Joseph Cotton or the artistic endeavors of van Gogh when he suffered hallucinations induced by absinthe, you know, the ‘high yellow’ paintings. I didn’t just want a bang and bye.”

Bartender Stacey McMartin, serving that night and the J&K was amazed.

"She was really slutting it up and frankly that was about the lowest cut top I've seen on a heavily chested woman," said McMartin. "She kept playing those CeeLo Green songs on the jukebox but no one was hitting on her. It was odd, because they say she can suck-start a Boeing.

"After about 9 p.m. her nipples looked like Titlieist Pro v1's and she clearly wasn't wearing panties. But the boys were at the other end of the bar arguing about the lyrics from the HMS Pinafore> and paid her no mind."

Despite the setback MacArthur said she would attempt meaningless and potentially dangerous unprotected sex with strangers again next Friday evening.

“I’ll pretty much do whatever they want,” said MacArthur. “Anal, oral, jerking them off with my feet; whatever they want. I got these pretty expensive tits and somebody is going to suck these nipples.”

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