Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Withers Makes Surprise Announcement

ALTOONA,PA (AIP) – Tuesday Karl Withers, at the usual daily briefing on his mental outlook, shocked reporters by announcing that he’feels pretty good today’, a sharp departure from his normal gloomy end of the world disposition.

"Not really sure why, but I’m kind of upbeat this morning,” said Withers, speaking as usual from the poarch of his double wide mobile home. “It’s odd, because I normally don’t feel this way and I really can’t put my finger on why the change, so I’ll just go with it.”

Careful fact checking revealed that Withers hasn’t reported feeling good since March 3, 2002 and that only lasted till noon.

Withers refused to speculate how long this good feeling might last.

“Life’s a minefield that we’re all dancing on,” said Withers. “Anything can set me off: bad news at work, the wrong song on the radio, a glance from a stranger. You never know. But right now I’m doing ok.”

Experts expect Withers to be distraught by 4:00 p.m. at the latest, when he once again realizes his actual disadvantaged position in the uncaring and fundamentally malignant universe that he inhabits.

“He hasn’t got a chance to make it 24 hours feeling good,” said Dr. Michael Bettis, professor at the University of Pennslyvania’s Mctrick School of Moods. “Once he comes down from his false euphoric high and understands how truly fucked he really is, the lightheartedness will disappear.”

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