Thursday, September 18, 2014

NFL Commissioner Unveils New Domestic Violence Program

CANTON, OH (AIP) – Recognizing the need to stem the increasing incidents of domestic incidents among professional football players, Nation Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, in a press conference at the Pro Football Hall of Fame, has announced that he has a put in motion a plan to quell the violence.

“This is a league problem and needs to be dealt with by the league and not the individual players,” said Goodell. “Far too many of our young men have fallen in with loud-mouth, no account, in your face ho’s and bitches. I personally plan to shut them up.”

To that end Goodell has announced that he has begun a program where he is personally traveling to every NFL team and individually ‘bitch-slapping and ho-bashing’ the wives and significant others of every player on the active roster of every one of the 32 teams.

Goodell has already made three visits.

“I have backhanded, bitch-slapped, cold cocked and ass whooped 156 women so far,” said Goodell. “I’ve scored 32 one-punch knock outs, 28 orbital bone or other facial fractures and I haven’t even counted the black eyes. I have a small black velvet bag jammed full of the teeth I have knocked out in an attempt to put these women in their place.

“If I didn’t do something we wouldn’t have enough non-suspended players to field teams on Sundays.”
All Pro running back Maurice Paddington is, for one, grateful that the league is finally taking action.

“I had no idea what a bitch Tammy was when I married her,” said Paddington. “Always with the mouth, that one. But after Commissioner Goddell’s little talk with her the bitch don’t say ‘Boo’ without express,written permission from the NFL. It’s going to take a while for her black eyes to go away but that’s a small price to pay.”

“I’ve got 29 teams left to deal with. That’s 1404 women to teach lessons to,” said Goodell. “All I can tell them is to watch their backs.”

Women’s rights groups, who have long complained about domestic violence in the NFL, were afraid to comment when contacted.


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