GLENNEAGLES, SCOTLAND (AIP) – Ryder Cup officials announced that the plane carrying the United States Ryder Cup team has been hijacked by terrorists connected with the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) and forced to divert and land somewhere in Northern Iraq and have threatened to behead each player on the team.
A spokesman for the Professional Golf Association (PGA) was quick to react.
“I hope they cut the fucking heads off of every one of those guys,” said PGA vice president Herb Langerfeld. “They embarrassed the entire nation with their weak-assed, duffer-like play. To ISIL I say ‘the sooner, the better’ and ‘send us video proof quickly’”.
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Barak Obama was clearly angry with this latest development.
“I play a little golf myself and I, along with the rest of the country, was appalled at that piss poor collections of players,” said Obama. “The combined security forces of the United States will not, I repeat not, be looking to rescue the team. The possible exceptions to that being we might try to find Patrick Reed and Jordan Spieth. The others will get what they so richly deserve.”