PLAINFIELD, VT (AIP) – Bowing to the intense national pressure brought upon it by conservatives across the country, tiny Goddard College has rescinded an invitation for cop killer Mumia Abu-Jamal to speak at its upcoming commencement and instead invited former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky.
“Our students deserve the opportunity to hear opinions and experiences that the Establishment might not find pleasing,” said Goddard College Vice Chancellor Magritte Van Damm. “We feel that Mr. Sandusky will offer our graduates a unique perspective on teamwork, strategy, strength, forced anal and oral sodomy, man-boy love and the 3-4 defense. It’s a wonderful opportunity.”
Many of the students, while upset that the original choice of Abu-Jamal was so enraging to a large number of Americans, are pleased that they could find a morally reprehensible alternative.
“The fact that we’re going to have a white boy-fucker instead of a black cop killer is okay by me,” said senior class president Marvin Christianson. “I know my dad was pissed off about Abu-Jamal and he does pay the tuition.”
Sandusky, interviewed by phone from Pennsylvania’s SCI Greene “supermax” prison where he is serving his 30 to 60-year sentence, was please at the invitation.
“I am excited to be around those young people,” said Sandusky. “I can’t wait for the opportunity to drill my ideas about life into them.”
Sandusky joins a list of notable but controversial commencement speakers that Goddard has invited over its 150-year history, which has included Richard Speck, Idi Amin Dada, Reinhard Heydrich, John Wayne Gacy, Pol Pot and Sarah McLachlan.