Friday, February 13, 2015

Apple offers New Valentine App

CUPERTINO, CA (AIP) Apple Incorporated has a new smart phone App that will be ready in time for Valentine’s Day this Saturday. The App allows the smart phone user to send his or her ex-paramour a faux instant message that causes the former lover to feel the incredible despair and emptiness that the App user felt when that lying bitch or bastard dumped them.

“It’s really an amazing application,” said Apple spokesman Stuart Mixton. “When the target opens the message you’ve sent, which isn't a text message at all but a cutting edge, psycho-electronic mind altering, military grade attack application, they are immediately plunged into a depressed night of the dark soul that the sender experienced for months after the target betrayed him or her."

Developed by recently jilted and revenge seeking 19-year old Chad Michaels of Pennington Gap, VA, who still can't come out of his room, the application allows the user to send an instant message to the asshole that lied about the depth of their feelings and their commitment to the former relationship.

The application transmits the message, which defeats the call block that the jerk has placed on your incoming calls and texts, searches the target’s cell to find the phone number of the new love of their life and makes its malevolent electronic package appear to come from that phone number.

“When the target opens the text, they are emotionally destroyed for up to four hours,” said Mixton. “They don’t feel like eating or going to work. They simply can’t face the day. All they really want to do is sit in their bedroom and listen to Creed and Air Supply and cry uncontrollably.”

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