Saturday, February 7, 2015

Local Fool At It Again

MELBOURNE, FL (AIP) - Local convenience store clerk Andy Rawl, whose history of near misses, blown chances, boneheaded moves and comings in second, has made him the stuff of local legend in a town chocked full of losers and edgy drifters will begin his epic and highly improbable attempt to swim from Melbourne to Lisbon,  Portugal tonight at 9:00 p.m..

"It's a dream I've had for weeks," said Rawl, who learned to swim two months ago at the local YMCA. "I'm finally going to do something great."

Discovery Channel producer Mitch Burdick and his film crew plan to document the historic event.

"We don't have enough people that we film actually dying in real time for our viewers," said Burdick. "This is about a sure a thing as we can hope for."

Rawl, only vaguely aware that his quest will most probably end with his own  certain death, seemed excited about his attempt.

"It's my one chance to do something great," said Rawl. "When I get to Lisbon there's gonna be a party. This is where the losing ends."

Rawl has a long history of aiming too high and missing horribly. The Discovery Channel is banking on his failure-filled past.

"We expect to wrap up filming by midnight, " said Burdick. "This attempt is pretty much a midget's middle finger raised to the heavens in defiance.  The poor, overreaching schmuck won't get 500 meters out before he dies."

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