GAZA STRIP (AIP) – Number one draft pick Muhammad Sadiq, whose college career at Beirut University led fans to believe that he would ‘tear up the league’, was given his outright release after the Hezbollah Hajji’s season ended Sunday, surprising fans everywhere.
“The kid has the physical skills, but just didn’t perform for the kind of money we’re paying him,” said Hezbollah coach Norm Gentry. “We sent the kid out on seven suicide attacks this last season and he came back after every one. We were highly disappointed.”
“I just couldn’t get my rhythm,” said Sadiq. “Every time the spotlight was on me something happened. Do you know how disappointing it is to come back to the locker room after a failed suicide bombing?”
The season was a litany of errors for Sadiq, whose suicide vest twice failed to explode. In one botched attempt he packed the high explosives incorrectly and the vest merely fizzled, burning Sadiq over 60 percent of his body and keeping him off the field for three weeks.
“One time I sent him out to blow up an elementary school, something any rookie should be able to do,” said Gentry. “The kid got on the wrong fucking bus. We should have paid more attention to his Wonderlic test score before we drafted him.
"This kid couldn't find 72 virgins with two hands and a flashlight. "