AIKEN, SC (AIP) Local resident Carl Sneadaker, married to wife Mille for 37 years, was moments away from death due to CardioPulmonary Disease when he was granted another 12.75 years of life by the Mighty God, Lord of the Universe, Friday to make up for time he has previously lost waiting for Millie to ‘touch up’ her makeup, ‘freshen up a bit’ and ‘put on a new outfit’ over the course of their marriage.
“Management thought that the poor bastard deserved to recoup all that time he has previously pissed away, through no fault of his own, waiting for Millie to get ready to do something,” said God’s spokesman Melvin Gist. “The guy has the patience of a saint.”
Accountants in the Heavenly Father’s Bureau of Time Measurement had previously kept a running tally of time Sneadaker had cooled his heels while waiting for his lovely wife to ‘put on her face’ or decided what outfit to wear to the Golden Corral for the dinner buffet or over to the Maxwell’s for a night of canasta.
“I won’t lie, it’s been a struggle,” said Sneadaker. “But with this extra time I’m really feeling great. First thing tomorrow I’m divorcing the bitch. It’s a whole new world for me.”
Millie was unable to respond to reporters because she was in the powder room.