WASHINGTON (AIP) – Beginning July 1, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has decreed that any psychopath, serial killer, bath salts addict or edgy drifter who murders a prostitute must dispose of the corpse in an EPA approved, environmentally friendly garbage bag and dumped only in EPA approved trash dumpsters.
“According to new scientific data the random disposal of murdered prostitutes in fields, alleys, gullies, unapproved dumpsters, drug houses and sewers is a major contributor to the increase in man-made climate change,” said EPA spokesman Clemet Morrison. “These new dumping regulations should go a long way toward ameliorating that problem.”
Climate change deniers and civil liberties activists are up in arms about the new regulations.
“It is bullshit to think that the dead prostitutes I’ve dumped in the desert have changed the earth’s climate one iota,” said Las Vegas area serial killer Martin Clayton Thomas, who has specialized in the murder and dumping of prostitutes since the early 90’s. “Just one more example of the nanny state trying to run my life.”
Activists vow a court battle over the new regulations.
“This government intrusion into what has previously been a self-regulating industry is going to have a chilling effect on the production of prostitute corpses,” said civil liberties attorney Luke Coverdale. “These new, extremely expensive costs of corpse disposal are going to make body dumping financially prohibitive for the local producer.”
Former Vice President Al Gore said that he's tired of climate change deniers.
“Anyone who denies that random dumping of prostitute corpses does not directly add to man-made climate change is ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence and should be severely punished,” said Gore. “This is the earth we’re talking about. Producers should be compelled to properly dispose of prostitute corpses in an eco-friendly fashion.”