Wednesday, March 25, 2015

New Internet Rules Announced

WASHINGTON (AIP) – New United States Federal Internet Czar Johnston Franklin, in his first act as chief executive of the nation’s internet protocol, has decreed that going forward his office will install a filter that will disallow the online uploading and posting of cute videos or photos of children or animals.

“Frankly I’m tired of opening my email to find links to puppies doing cute shit or kids doing funny things,” said Franklin. “Yes, okay, it’s a kitten thinking that your shoelace is a menace and rolling over playing with it. Aren’t well all adults here? Shouldn’t our time be spent more wisely
“Well we are, and I’m going to see that we do.”

A national PEW pool found that most Americans are ambivalent about the new controls.

The poll showed that a stunning 68 percent of Americans ‘really don’t give a fuck’ if they ever see a warm and fuzzy two minute clip of a grown dog muzzling a small kitten. Twenty two percent of respondents are ‘goddamn tired of that shit wasting their time’ and 9 percent don’t actually understand the question.

Only one percent of American’s aren’t happy with the new filter.

“But it’s so precious,” said Katharine Millhouse. “I could spend hours watching cute toddlers falling face first into pie.”

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