PITTSBURGH (AIP) – Researchers at the Dew Institute of Social Thought have bad news for many American males: if your girlfriend or wife’s name is Mary, Patricia, Linda or Barbara there’s an 83 percent chance that she’s fucking around on you.
“The numbers are stunning,” said Dew researcher Clive Banister. “It turns out that women with those four names are pretty much unfaithful tramps who are banging someone else behind your back. Sixty nine percent of the time that is going to be a buddy you golf, bowl or play poker with.”
Banister said that the numbers can’t be argued with.
It's science," said Banister. "And unlike your old lady, the numbers don't lie."
“It’s a sure thing that Mary, Patricia – and that includes ‘Pat’- Linda and Barbara are in bed with a close friend of yours while you read this article,” continued Banister. “And she's probably wearing heels and that thing you purchased for her at Victoria’s Secret that she vowed she would never wear because it made her feel slutty.
“We’re not sure if the name causes the skank-like behavior, or the women just happened to have been suitably named at birth. Frankly we don’t know if the dog is wagging the tail or the tail is wagging the dog but either way Mary or Patricia or Barbara or Linda is getting wagged behind your back.”
More disturbingly, there’s a 96 percent chance that girlfriends or wives named McKenzie are having intercourse with that homeless guy who drinks in the park and hits you up for ‘an extra cigarette’ when you walk the dog.
“That explains the empty malt liquor cans, twigs and leaves in the sheets and the big green dumpster smell that greets me when I enter the bedroom after I come home from work” said Calvin McIntyre, a high school science teacher. “I thought I was just jumping to conclusions about McKenzie.”