Washington (AIP)- In a long expected move the United State Social Security Administration announced on Thursday that it will add “Shiftless”, “No account” and “Loser” to the list of disabilities that will entitle those suffering from such conditions to receive Social Security Disability benefits.
“We attempt to be a forward thinking Department”, said administration spokesman Gloria Vanderwood. “The newly added impairments make it extremely hard for those suffering to be able to provide for themselves and their families. “
The three new conditions join the list that includes such impairments as blindness, sickle cell disease, thyroid disorders and Parkinson’s syndrome. Those impaired by these newly addition syndromes will be entitled to benefits ranging from $657 to $863 a month.
“The addition of these three conditions to the disability list has been a long time coming,” said Shiftless advocate Ron Beal in a press conference held in his parents basement/rec room in Racine, Wisconsin. “The government has finally realized what the common people have known for years.”
“I’ve been No Account since birth and I’ve had no help” said Jim Winkelman, No Account community organizer from Chicago. “It’s about time that the government realizes it has a responsibility to help me.”
Reporters attempted to reach spokesmen from the National Loser Alliance, but Billy on the phone bank said that all the really important losers were "off somewhere doing something".